Category: <span>Relationships</span>

Couples Men's Work Relationships By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

25 Ways Men can Prevent Gender Differences From Sabotaging Their Modern Marriage

We are at a point in history that women are increasingly less happy in their marriages. Consider the fact that, of the educated women in the U.S. who divorce, the wife initiates 90% of those divorces.

There are a variety of reasons that this is becoming more of the norm, but one factor from the world of psychology which is becoming more apparent is gender differences (or perhaps more appropriately, sex differences).

These gender differences have been developing throughout evolution for our survival. However, like most things, our genetics are still playing catch up to the modern world. The modern marriage, coupled with the gender equality movements are highlighting these gender differences for better or worse.

I understand that this is a sensitive subject. Even writing about this gives me cause for concern. However, as a couple’s counselor I see these gender differences everyday, and often when couples are armed with the knowledge of their biological differences they experience more healing and resolution.

I find that denying that they exist is more harmful than recognizing that they are real and impacting our relationships. It is not a thing of equality, but the awareness that we can be very different creatures.

Research confirms that these differences are far from some genetic determinism. Our psychology is still sensitive to developmental and socioecological contexts. This means that culture, family upbringing, and even exposure to hormones in our foods are factors in how someone presents as male, female, or otherwise.

This article is specifically geared more towards men, due to the fact that women are more commonly the “lesser happy spouses” in marriages today. I find that men are often less educated on healthy relationships, and their biology puts them at a disadvantage when navigating their marriages and intimate relationships.

Furthermore, this article contains several common gender differences that I see frequently influence contention in relationships. Each concept contains a “What Men can DO” section. This is because men often work much better with concrete, actionable steps. This is key for women to remember when assuming that the expression of their thoughts and feelings will teach men how to then meet these needs; when in reality, they don’t have a clue.

**Information found in this article is based on select research, which approaches the gender differences as group averages, NOT individual differences. This means of course that none of the material is under the assumption that ALL men and woman are the same.

 

“We need to talk about this” vs. Shutdown/Avoid/Defend

In my experience, the most common goal stated within the first session of couples counseling is “we need better communication”. Most often it’s the woman that asserts this complaint. Communication has many facets, but core gender differences are a fundamental deterrent to healthy communication.

Harvard researchers found that infant males got emotionally charged quicker than the infant females; the boys also took longer to calm down. Other studies have found this gender difference to be a constant throughout the lifespan. (sorry ladies)

Research also has shown that from an early age, girls’ verbal (and nonverbal relational skills) tend to be superior to young boys. Then to top it off, adult men tend to speak less in private. One study found that men say 3X as many words in public than in private, and women say 3X as many words in private than in public.

Men’s biology gets in the way of having healthy conflict. When faced with difficult emotion, their fight/flight/freeze response tends to be more sensitive than women. This translates into men’s most common behaviors during a marital conflict of shutdown (freeze), walking away/avoidance (flight), and defensiveness (fight).

Once in this emotional state, men’s frontal lobe goes offline, and thus less likely to think clearly, empathize, self-reflect, and are more likely to have destructive impulses. Because of this difference, men are more likely to see their partner’s complaints (or concerns for that matter) as personal attacks. 

Women on the other hand, with higher levels of oxytocin and a differing brain structure, can sit in interpersonal conflict much easier. Then, find it difficult to understand when her partner quickly shuts down or walks away. They become increasingly frustrated with their male partner’s inability to sit with their distress.

Another reason men tend to get charged up so fast is that their body often appraises the discussion as a something they will either win or lose. The testosterone in a man doesn’t like losing. It can emotionally turn into a battle in which most women have no such desire to participate; they above all are looking for empathy, understanding, and resolve.

What Men can DO:

1. Internally reframe conflict as a necessary and inevitable occurrence in meeting her needs and increasing emotional intimacy and safety within the relationship.

2. Understand that your body and mind will likely escalate into a reactive state. Be mindful of your body’s physical response, as this is the most fundamental clue to your emotional state. Understand your own triggers in communication and how this disconnects you from your partner. Learn ways to listen and stay present to the best of your abilities.

3. If on a scale of 1-10 of emotional distress, you’re escalating past a 6-7, respectfully remove yourself. After taking a time-out, practice using various skills to let your emotions subside (remember this typically takes longer for males). However, if using the timeout, you MUST initiate a reengagement. If not, she will start to not trust you with her emotional world, a recipe for long-term insidious disconnection.

4. Consider the complaints if they’re presented.  Women tend to have a much better temperature of the relationship (and perhaps of you), use this to your advantage and within time consider her points when emotions have settled. Your partner can often be a great mirror to see your places of personal and relational growth. A difficult balance when you need to consider at the same time your own truth, boundaries, and needs. That being said, the complaints are often not cut and dry. If she’s upset about you not replacing the paper towel roll we all know its not about the paper towels, its about some deeper, more global attribute or an angst that exists somewhere else in the relationship.

5. Understand that it’s not about winning or losing. This doesn’t mean you can’t express your disagreements and true intentions. Practice putting your ego aside and embrace the avoided, uncomfortable feelings such as humility, healthy shame, and remorse. Above all, take some responsibility.

6. Search for the proactive things you can do to meet her needs, or if need of clarification, make a request for her to reframe her concerns into more concrete ideas. Although, you must then follow through if you say you’ll do something. Nothing is more unattractive and destabilizing to her trust in you.

7. Utilize loving reassuring statements, physical touch, and a soft tone.

 

Romance vs. Sex

“The success of romantic relationships is largely dependent on ongoing sexual interplay – from flirting to climax and back again. As the male meets the females’ need for romantic connection, she responds sexually, meeting his deepest need, and so they go round and round in a feedback loop that replenishes itself.” –Kathryn Foster, Ph.D.

Men typically come equipped with higher amounts of the hormone testosterone. Testosterone is known to be linked to the will to win, aggression, pursue goals, seek power and money, and sex. As it pertains to sex, the hormone allows a man to feel aroused and desire for sex more readily.

The presence of estrogen in females increases the hormone oxytocin, which stimulates empathy, nurturing behavior, and emotional/physical bonding (Romance).

Thus, men having more testosterone than estrogen are sometimes less equipped to reap the benefits of oxytocin for relationship building.  Consequentially, with an increase in sexual arousal in men, oxytocin is even more limited.

From a biological standpoint, when men feel stress, testosterone peaks and sex becomes a release of that stress. After sex, men get a heavy dose of oxytocin. Sex in this way becomes one of men’s primary ways to connect in a relationship, a top priority in general. Some say that for men, physical experiences (like sex) tend to be more meaningful (Just think about sports, home projects, conquering lands, etc).

Women may feel the desire for sex, but their arousal isn’t always as available. Their motivation for sex tends to be ramped up by emotional closeness, romance, masculine/feminine polarity, and nonsexual touch. Sex for women becomes an integrated part of the whole relationship, as opposed to men where sex can more easily be compartmentalized. For some women, their evolution has made romance a much higher priority.

When sex is optimized for both genders, it’s an essential component of a healthy relationship. If not, it can be an insidious issue that can slowly erode the stability of the relationship. During the first few years of being together, mother nature makes sex an automatic priority, after that, many relationships have to then work on their sexual harmony.

What men can DO:

8. Expect your biology will want to skip foreplay, non-sexual touch, and emotional intimacy. Open conversations about sex; explore her preferred modes of foreplay and arousal. Expend conscious effort to DO those things to the best of your ability.

9. Be mindful of how you’re adding value to the partnership. Things like completing household duties will typically increase your partner’s emotional connection leading to more openness to sex.

10. Put effort into romance; start to better understand what helps build emotional connection and intimacy with your specific partner.

11. Foster an environment where she can access her feminine side, and your masculine. A good sex life can be fueled by the passionate magnetic pull of the masculine and feminine polarity.

12. Learn conflict resolution skills to clear the emotional air after conflict. Also, if either partner has harbored resentments over the years, work to heal them. Having sex, (one of the more intimate activities) without feeling safe and connected emotionally can foster feelings of angst and disgust instead of deep intimacy.

13. Finding ways to bring her into the present moment and co-regulate her emotions by using playfulness, humor, and appropriate levels of assertiveness to can help to relax her, increasing sexual desire.

 

Felt vs. Fixed

 To add to the communication disconnect, many are aware of the common gender difference of men wanting to fix their partners rather than allow them to feel felt. Let’s take a closer look…

The female brain has a larger corpus callosum and anterior commissure. These brain structures allow for more communication between the left and right (facts and feelings) hemispheres of the brain.

Because these areas of the brain are smaller in men, it leaves them at a disadvantage when engaging in communicating about the emotional component of the conversation. They are more likely to live in the left (facts) side of the brain.

When men see women in distress, they’re even more likely to move away from the emotional and into the analytical. They start to dwell on the facts and solution finding during the conversation. They find it difficult to stay with the emotional message and just want to know the bottom line so that they can DO something about the distress.

Women are typically designed to crave the interpersonal and emotional connection with their partners. When communicating, this tends to be accomplished when women feel felt, understood, and validated in what they experience, the problem is that it’s usually the emotional experience they want to be validated, an experience that men are less acutely aware.

This becomes one of the largest frustrations for the genders, one is desperately seeking validation and emotional comfort while one is drifting off into an analytical fix-it land.

What men can DO:

14. Become mindful of your brain pulling you into solution finding and learn to engage differently with her distress. Be engaged as you possibly can muster, while utilizing reflective listening, and genuine compassionate curiosity. See it as more of a challenge and opportunity than something to tolerate. Same goes for the more  “positive” emotions like excitement, joy, or love; better understanding her (and your) emotional world will allow clues to her deepest truths and enhance connection.

15. Practice putting on your relationship hat. Many people have demanding jobs that require them to “put out fires”, engage in problem-solving, and steamroll past emotions to get bottom line results. These qualities may be useful at work and other areas of life but not in your relationship. Create a mental and emotional ritual of consciously removing your workday hat and put on your relationship hat. Over time this will become more unconscious.

16. A popular concept in counseling is “riding the wave” of emotion. This is based on the concept that emotions rise to a peak, and then slowly dissipate. If managed correctly, emotions typically last no longer than 2-3 minutes. Use this in the context of her emotion. Ride the wave with her, so when she’s back on shore you’re right beside her, instead of fuming with anger throwing beach chairs, completely disconnected with her.

17. Work on your emotional intelligence. Practice surveying your own emotional world so that when the time comes you can better connect with what your partner is experiencing (empathy). If you truly can’t understand, that’s OK, you don’t have to… just take the moment to enter her world the best you can.

18. Remember that emotion can distort our thinking. If you or she are experiencing intense emotion, don’t take what you or your partner is saying too seriously. Getting caught up in the spoken word is often less important than the emotional dance. 

19. Allow your solutions and facts to enter when the time is right or has been requested. The key is that when your partner feels understood first, they will then be more likely to listen to your point of view. Your solutions and facts, at the right time, can add value and balance to her world.

 

Shared Activity vs. Relationship Building 

Men have a common need for side-by-side shared activity in their relationships. Just take for example their male friendships, usually spent playing/watching a sport/game.

Compared to most women, who you’ll find sitting face-to-face, with sustained eye contact, sitting close together and speaking about intimate personal issues, emotions, and people. Their biology tends to be more interested in creating intimate bonds and enhancing their relationships.

This gender difference can cause havoc in a marriage, as each party places value on different ways of bonding within the relationship.

What men can DO:

20. Explore shared activities that you know you’ll both enjoy AND make sure to engage in some light discussion about the activity afterwards. Such middle ground activities could be a workout class, dancing, skiing, or even a puzzle.

21. Find activities that can be done with other couples, so that on occasion, each gender can have a similar counterpart to get their needs met during the activity.

22. Cultivate your own male friendships aside from the marriage that provides a much-needed outlet so that you don’t place all responsibility on your partner for the time of relationship bonding you desire. Today, it’s becoming even more common that men have very few if any individual male friendships. Research has shown that having deeper friendships outside their romantic partners provides happier, longer lasting relationships with their spouses.

 

Us vs. Me

One of the areas of the brain responsible for making dopamine (the feel-good hormone) is the ventral tegmental area. This area has been found to be more active in men.

“Dopamine is a selfish hormone, about your own fun, finding what interests you, pumping up for your next goal. Thus, compared to women, men are more about their own activities and goals and less about their relationships….Because testosterone encourages enterprising and stimulates the pursuing of goals, it causes a man to feel gratified living in his own plans more than in the relationship. Men can give only a limited part of themselves to a relationship for fear it will drain them of the energy and focus they need to succeed outside of it.”  -Kathyrn Foster Ph.D.

Not only that, but throw in the fact that men score lower on empathy tests; this lowers their ability to feel their partner’s needs, dreams, and values at the same depth.

Women, on the other hand, tend to naturally expend more effort into their relationships. They are more apt to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship.  They then can become frustrated, when the effort and motivation aren’t reciprocated, while he can be more interested in his own personal endeavors.

This isn’t to say that men can’t love, cherish, and appreciate their relationships. It just doesn’t always match his partner’s overall interest in the health of the partnership.

What men can DO:

23. Regularly survey the allocation of your energies in work, play, and romance. Make sure to maintain a healthy balance of effort and interest into all three. Work, in this sense, could also be translated to purpose. Make sure to not compromise your journey, mission, or purpose. This is what often fills you up, and if you surrender that part of your life too much, the relationship will suffer and you’ll most likely have less to then give to your intimate relationship.

24. John and Judy Gottman are leading researchers on couples therapy. They suggest that some of the happier couples find shared meaning throughout their lives. This involves how the couple prioritizes its resources and builds a life together creating shared meaning. The couple joins to make their own culture, breeding its own rituals, beliefs, mission, and legacy. If a man can sometimes be “me” oriented, the conscious creation of shared meaning with his partner is an avenue to incorporate each individual’s interests synergizing their relationship as they move through life together. It’s a practice of the ultimate compromise, a mutually gratifying win-win for both genders.

25. Reframe requests as, “If I do this, how can it also benefit me.” Then find the nugget of self-improvement that’s hidden in the request. So often people fail to see how the behavioral changes requested in a relationship can easily be reframed for personal value. It can change the attitude of “I have to do this” to “I want to do this”.

 

Progress not Perfection

Again, I want to emphasize these gender differences are far from black and white. For instance, I have seen countless times that the concepts shown in this article can easily be flipped; having the other gender act more like the other. My intention is that within some relationships, the exposure to these differences aid in alleviating some common relationship anguish.

We are rapidly evolving as a society; it is only natural that our relationships must evolve alongside it. Understanding our natural differences is necessary if we intend to thrive in our relationships for the long haul.

If this article resonated with you as a man, review the gender differences that relate most to your current areas of relationship growth. Consider the suggestions and create your own. Then readily ACT and PRACTICE the integration of them. Remember its progress, not perfection, especially in the realm of relationships.

 

Communication Relationships By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

Conflict Resolution 101: Owning Your Emotions to Avoid a Fight

We are the authors of our emotions

Every moment of the day we are the authors of our emotion. Whether it is conscious or subconscious, it is ours to own. These emotions are inevitable; the key is how we respond to them. The subtle ways we communicate/manage them can either escalate or smoothly repair conflict.

Take a look at this exchange between Katie and Todd as an example how not owning your emotions in conflict can backfire.

Take 1: Katie NOT owning her emotions

Katie has a dating history full of deceit, cheating, and manipulation. In an effort to change her relationship destiny, she decides to start dating Todd. Todd is caring, considerate, faithful, and an all-around secure and solid dude.

Four months into the relationship Todd is out with his friends at a baseball game. Typically, Todd will text Katie within a reasonable amount of time and has never given her any reason to suspect he is untrustworthy. One of his buddies from college is visiting and they have been catching up while at the game.

Throughout the night Todd hasn’t been as attentive to his phone; Katie had texted several hours before he eventually texted her back at 1am on his Lyft ride back to her house.

Todd arrives to an irate Katie.

“You made me so anxious!”

“Every minute you didn’t text me, you made me angrier and angrier!”

“You made me not want to trust you…”

Once Katie has made the accusation of “you made me feel ________”, she’s taken the stance of a victim, and is in the process of blaming Todd for how she feels.

Todd is now more likely to go into a defensive mode. Once the brain interprets it’s being attacked, it will be less likely to listen, empathize, and reflect on content the other person is presenting (The opposite of what they both would want in this situation).

Todd’s default defensive response is to shut down and walk away; he leaves the house and slams the door behind him. They are both left angry, hurt, confused, and questioning the longevity of the relationship.

Taking responsibility for our emotions doesn’t neglect the fact that someone may have influenced them bubbling up.

When Todd didn’t text back, his behavior influenced an emotion tied to an unmet need of consideration and attention for Katie. Just like smelling homemade pasta sauce may stimulate an emotion tied to a need for hunger or comfort; Todd or the pasta sauce didn’t MAKE anyone feel anything. The emotion that’s created is dependent on the specific person (Perhaps in another person smelling pasta sauce leads to disgust).

*Important note: there are exceptions to the above excerpt, and unique moments that this is not appropriate. Outright abuse is not a time to worry that you aren’t taking enough responsibility for your feelings. In those cases, you have a right to feel a sense of victimhood and utilize those emotions to take necessary action.

In the case of Katie and Todd, Katie’s personal history, mood, and context created within her caused the emotion, not Todd. Let’s replay the situation so that they can have a great evening together.

 

Take 2: Katie owning her emotions

Todd arrives to a calm and assertive Katie…

(After Katie has already acknowledged her personal trust issues have been brought to the surface, she mentally takes ownership and calms herself down. Katie also has been practicing what she can do to resolve her unmet need within herself, instead of placing all responsibility on Todd. However, she consciously decides this still needs to be addressed with Todd.)

Katie – “How was the game?”

Todd – “Great! They won and it was awesome catching up with my old college buddy”

Katie – “I’m glad you had fun! This may sound crazy, but when you were gone and I didn’t hear from you, I made myself worry, I scared myself into thinking that you met up with someone. This is something I’m working on from my past, would you be willing to check in with me at least once throughout the night next time?” (Notice the “I” statements, short and sweet, and a request is made at the end)    

Todd – “Sure, I understand how not hearing from me could cause you to worry. I will intend to make more of an effort to check in at least once throughout the night next time.” (Notice Todd’s ability to empathize, effectively listen, and better understand now that he’s not threatened, and repeats her request with a genuine intent to change)

Katie – “thank you, I appreciate your understanding”

Katie and Todd embrace and continue the evening together.

I know what you’re probably thinking…

“That’s a textbook exchange, there’s no way that would actually happen!”

Yes, this is probably best-case scenario and I wouldn’t expect anyone to do this every time they are in conflict. It’s more important initially to understand the concept and at the very least start owning your emotions internally. The goal is to be more aware of the choice we have in these moments.

Additionally, taking the step to slow down and see why you’re upset or feeling the way you do allows more attention on your internal world, which will increase self-knowledge and mastery.

The example was in the context of a romantic relationship, but throughout the day people, places, and things are generating emotion in us. However, the emotions surrounding these moments are not set in stone, and we can eventually choose others that are better suited for a certain event… but that’s for another day.

This week, don’t put pressure on yourself to complete this exercise outwardly if it’s a new concept. Just try to mentally/physically explore your personal emotions at various moments. See how they are unique to you and practice the responsibility of owning them.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

Personality Relationships By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

How Someone Becomes a Narcissist

Popular psychology is really good at labeling mental disorders, but there seems to be a lack of education given to the preventable causes of these disorders.

There may always be debate on the causes, and some are less in our control (genetics, culture, etc).  However, if you look closely, there is enough information available to begin the education of how to minimize the creation of these sometimes life-debilitating disorders.

My hope is that as I present the theory of how narcissists are created, it can help shed some light on other disorders that are oftentimes co-created by other people and circumstances.

I would just like to point-out that beneath any disorder, there is still a human being that deserves the respect, compassion, and equality that we would hope for ourselves.

I see no better example of this then in the development of a Narcissist.

 

 “Nurturing” the Young Narcissist

As a quick reminder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined as:

“a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.”

The origins seem to be a mix of genetics, cultural norms, and parental treatment/environment. I will mainly be speaking to the more preventable parenting styles that foster NPD. There are two main parenting styles thought to create a narcissist:

  1. Parents with their own self-serving agenda, dictate what the child should be; and use the child as a complementary extension of themselves. The child begins by expressing their self naturally, but the parent devalues, ignores, or humiliates them unless it’s in line with their agenda. The parent may also give inconsistent or absent messages around issues such as achievement and performance.
  2. The other parenting style may place just as much judgment of what the child should be, except in the form of spoiling, doting, and overvaluation.  The child is “put on a pedestal.” They are expected to be the best, instead of being given more balanced messages of their strengths. This is often coupled with low levels of affection, empathy, and emotional attentiveness.

In either case, the child slowly learns that their value is not based on who they are inherently, but rather on the constant evaluation from the parent. Even if the judgments from the parents are positive, the child still understands that their behavior is consistently hanging in the balance of disapproval or neglect.

This theory is working under the assumption that we partly learn how to express ourselves based on the interactions with the people closest to us. Some of the messages a young narcissist is given are, “certain parts of you I don’t want you to express”, and “there are winners and losers, and you must be a winner.”

They begin to develop a “false self” out of the reflection of what the parent sees as acceptable. The parent’s love and acceptance is now a conditional prize to be won. A prize they must win when they depend upon them for survival.

Inherently, this builds an insecure attachment with the caregiver. Their only chance for safety is in the representation of what the parent wants. The child may even develop subconscious feelings of anger/aggression towards the parents, but expressing these would not be met with empathy, but rather with hostility or disregard.

They begin to believe deep down that their only choice in their evaluation of self is that they are to be “all-good” or “all-bad.” This split makes it intolerable for them to feeling anything but “all-good” which then creates their dependency to feel superior to others. The psychological nourishment to their fragile ego takes the form of Narcissistic Supply (NS).  NS is simply the attention, admiration, and positive opinion from others.

I imagine the internal world of a young narcissist may look like trying to keep a balloon from hitting the ground, with every NS the balloon gets hit higher into the air, but without it, the balloon slowly begins to drift toward the dangerous ground represented by the narcissists mostly subconscious reality of worthlessness and shame.

Therefore, the narcissistic personality becomes a necessary defense to avoid feeling the deeper sense of inadequacy, or even emptiness. A learned representation of self that includes being superior, entitled, and self-important beyond reason. Some narcissists live more with the belief that they are “all-bad” which gets displayed more as a depression than those that live with more of an aggressive tendency to fill their NS.

 

Their Challenging Adult Relationships

Now that the narcissistic psyche is primed… adult relationships, among other areas of life, become a pervasive problem.

Once the people in their life suspend their NS, there is no need for them, empathy and unconditional love are not in their toolbox to nourish a reciprocal relationship (As a child they never received a trusting and loving relationship, so in turn are unable to display it).

Furthermore, the two emotions that they tend to avoid at all costs are remorse and gratitude. This is because their sense of self depends on avoiding flaws and not being in need of others. They inherently are more challenged to do the repair work necessary for relationship maintenance. This creates immense frustration with the partners they choose.

As much as a true narcissist may anger, hurt, or exploit you; this theory allows for some compassion that under the guise of superiority, contempt, and vanity is someone that hides their unexpressed weak sense of self. A true self that was never acknowledged by their caregivers for being “good enough” was a fate more or less given to them not by choice.

The ironic part is that treatment for someone with NPD often requires a focus on building genuine empathy and connection within relationships. This is something that may need professional involvement and if you’re in a relationship with a true Narcissist understand that change is possible if you and your partner are both willing to work. Part of what will make the relationship successful is your work to understand yourself and the type of person you picked.

 

Narcissism Today

Even though Narcissism is a more popular term these days, many psychologists confirm that NPD only represents a small fraction of society.

Although one may wonder what the changes in societal values and technology are doing to the minds of young parents and children. Social media provides more of an audience, hence more of a pressure on someone’s child “looking good” instead of naturally flawed and human. Prevention is in building strong emotional bonds between caregiver and child that reflect realistic and loving feedback.

The positive initial relationship with caregivers breeds a healthy self-esteem and narcissism that a child can bring into adulthood to face life’s challenges and successfully build mutual satisfying relationships. If you’d like more information on healthy narcissism check out my blog, Healthy Narcissism: The Psychological Sweet Spot.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

Couples Couples Therapy Relationships By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

5 Lessons for the Conflict Avoidant Couple

Dave and Gina are newly married. It’s a Tuesday, and Dave had to stay late at work. Already irritated, he plops down in front of the TV without greeting his wife. Gina is annoyed; she hasn’t heard from Dave all day and now he didn’t even say hello!

Dave can already sense the negative sentiment from Gina in the air. He’s further triggered by her tone of voice but refuses to address it, as she avoids voicing her grievances to avoid a fight. They continue on with the evening as a small emotional seed has now been planted. Ten more Tuesdays go by as resentment, anger, and fear continue to build and drive them further apart.

A hundred Tuesdays later, Dave and Gina are so defeated and miserable they are both secretly contemplating divorce.

Gina and Dave would be considered a “Conflict Avoidant” couple at this stage.

Signs that conflict was overdue for Gina and Dave:

  1. Underlying resentment, anger, and frustration.
  2. Emotional disconnection.
  3. Increased desire to fill self with other people, substances, etc.
  4. Feeling a lack of authenticity.
  5. Passive aggressiveness.

1. Accept That Conflict is Inevitable

The story of Gina and Dave is a sad, but all-too-common tale. In the early stages of a relationship, lack of conflict is somewhat normal. But as time goes on conflict becomes inevitable and necessary.

This is where many couples begin to place judgment on themselves and their partner. They may interpret it as a sign the relationship is “bad” or that they chose the wrong person. Their expectation that they had found “the one” is now in serious jeopardy. These judgments can create a strain in the relationship as prospective conflict continues to be swept under the rug.

It doesn’t matter if Gina and Dave are from the same town, have similar beliefs, and both love sushi; they are inherently two different people.

Having an expectation that conflict will arise no matter what will ease their hesitation to avoid it all costs.

2. Sweat the Small Stuff (At Least Initially)

There are of course times in a relationship to not sweat the small stuff. However, for a couple like Dave and Gina there are plenty of times the “small stuff” needs attention.

Dave arriving late and snubbing Gina could be seen as a small event. Yet, every time Gina didn’t confront Dave her frustration was tucked away into her unconscious. This robs Gina of the present moment as it stirs inside until it eventually spills into other parts of the relationship creating more havoc.

Their nervous system was receiving emotional information to avoid, defend, or attack their partner. Instead, Dave and Gina would hope to nurture their approach (social engagement) system.

Letting things build over time also chips away at the trust in a relationship. The person that you’ve built resentment towards may have no idea, and thus is blindsided and somewhat betrayed when things break down.

3. Embrace Rupture and Repair: The Super Nova Metaphor

“It is not conflict that leads to relationship dissolution so much as it is the failure to repair and re-connect following relationship ruptures.” – Sue Johnson and Lorrie Brubacher

Conflict in relationships can be seen as a constant rupture and repair. The process is similar to the balance of chaos and order within our daily lives.

A representation of this is the explosion of a star, a Super Nova (rupture/chaos).

Before the star explodes, it holds more dense and complex elements than when it was first formed. After the explosion, the elements scatter all over the universe to form more complex entities like our planet (repair/order).

Without allowing the rupture (or conflict) to happen naturally in our relationships, it’s like a pressurized star building with tension, heat, and overflow of superior elements waiting to scatter.

The repair process allows the couple to put their relationship back together in a more evolved, complex order than if it hadn’t ruptured in the first place.

With this perspective we can see that conflict is an opportunity (which sounds a lot less scary).  It’s a chance for the couple to gather information on what’s important to the other person, a moment to connect and love them specifically tailored to their needs.

We can see that the absence of conflict is more of a death sentence for a relationship then the alternative. It allows us an opportunity to be our authentic selves – allowing ourselves to be genuine and honest through conflict can allow for greater compromise, safety, and stability.

4. Learn to Tolerate Disharmony

Many people avoid conflict because of the initial feeling of disharmony. They feel that bringing something up or engaging in whatever their partner is upset about, will overwhelm them and create more negative emotion within the relationship.

It is key to remember that this initial disharmony is in service of a greater harmony. Just like in the super nova metaphor, there is a richer and safer relationship on the other side of this initial discomfort.

It is here that the conflict avoidant couple must learn to what I call, “Sit in the shit.” There are many ways to do this; becoming mindful of your emotions, taking short time-outs, not taking things personally, and finding your own emotional anchors to get through the rupture are some of the more effective coping skills.

5. Cultivate Healthy Repair

It’s one thing to stop avoiding conflict, but to finally introduce it without proper skills presents another set of challenges. Since conflict may have been foreign for so long it can get messy and end further hurting the relationship. Issues that are resolved appropriately can be extremely healing, gratifying, and liberating.

For this, there are countless skills and coping methods especially tailored for intimate relationships.

Sources of conflict could also be the result of deeper and more complicated emotions, thoughts, and previous experiences that may need to be sorted out with the help of a professional.

Thankfully, not all is lost for Dave and Gina, working together on better navigating conflict can not only dissolve their resentments, but help evolve their relationship to a new level of satisfaction.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

 

Communication Relationships Social Life By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

12 Hacks to Spark a New Relationship (Friendship, Dating, or Otherwise)

If you’ve read my previous post about friendship, I mentioned how I’ve noticed people becoming discouraged when trying to find new friendships/relationships. 

They are unaware of where to even start. Some are in a new city, new job, or other circumstances have left them with a shortage of quality relationships. People of all ages struggle with this, so no matter your stage in life you are not alone.

 Historically speaking, we never really had to go out and find people to connect with. They were already there….in our small tribe or community and were more or less chosen for us. Now we are left with too many options.

Listed below are some strategies, backed by research, to keep in mind when generating a new relationship in any context.

*Some can be found in the timeless book How to Win Friends and Influence People I cited in my post about soft skills.

  1. Know what you’re looking for.

Especially in dating it’s important to have a general idea of what you’re looking for. The criteria of course should not be too specific. Trying to find someone that drives a Lamborghini and has an indoor bowling alley might be ideal, but not all that likely. Instead, qualities such as trustworthiness and having similar beliefs are a better way to start. Consider who you’ve gotten along with in the past, or not gotten along with to help narrow down what’s most important.

  1. Don’t be quick to judge.

If you’ve ever seen a reality show where random people are put into a house it’s always interesting to hear people’s critical first impressions, and by the end of the show the same person they called “a pretentious bitch” is now their best friend.

Give it time and don’t always believe your first impressions. Our minds have been programmed to give these snap judgments, but allow them to develop and evolve over time. Of course this is not always the case, but being cognizant of our predisposition to do this can help us be patient.

  1. Generate deeper discussions and LISTEN.

Anyone can have a conversation about the weather. Not everyone can ask questions that stimulate a more enriching exchange. Cultivating this type of conversation is more akin to what you would find in a friendship and causes their subconscious to conclude they must feel safe with you. Make sure to listen, if you don’t people will pick up on it and the connection with fail.

However, without your input they could leave feeling too vulnerable, so make sure to offer at least a little more information about yourself then you normally would to a stranger.

Some people will take the lead and talk anxiously without pause (you know these people), so know when to assert yourself back into the conversation. 

  1. Be interested in their interests

In general, people love to talk about themselves. One of the easiest ways to connect with someone is get him or her to speak about what’s important to them. If someone mentions they own a cupcake business they are probably passionate about baking. Ask questions about cupcakes and watch them light up.

  1. Find someone with similarities

We tend like people who are similar to us. Think back to high school or college and the pods of friends you would see together. In adulthood it may not be to that extreme but it definitely still applies. Similarities can provide validation to our beliefs, interests, and characteristics. We also tend to surround ourselves with people that mirror our physical attractiveness.

  1. See them often

This goes along with my “strangers-in-a-house” reality show example. The Propinquity Effect says the more we see someone the more prone we are to like him or her. When finding new relationships try signing up for something that allows you to see the same people more often. Even better, pick something that aligns with your interests to ensure similarities and kill two birds with one stone (softball, magic cards, leather conventions, mom groups). This is one of the reasons people often find love and friendships in the workplace.

  1. Act like you like them.

This one is simple. We like people who like us. A great example is when dogs are SO excited to see you after a long day away. If you want to be friends with someone, be friendly and positive when you see them.

  1. Ask them for a favor.

When we do someone a favor we tend to like them more. This is because it would create too much cognitive dissonance in our minds to do something for someone we didn’t like. Thus, we justify our behavior by assuming “I must like this person if I did them a favor.” Again, use your best judgment with this one; it can be something as small as getting them to pass you a pen.

  1. Be competent… but not too competent.

We generally like to surround ourselves with competent people. However, too much competence or a constant managing of outward perfection can have the opposite effect. When people make mistakes they are found to be more likeable. It’s uncomfortable to be around someone that puts on an act of perfection all the time; instead someone that projects an imperfect human side is safe.

Just make sure these human moments are in less important areas. Your boss would rather see your humanness in dropping a cup of coffee instead of being incapable of coming to work on time.

  1. Use conditioning.

Unless you’re Will Ferrell in Wedding Crashers, you are less likely to connect with someone at a funeral than at a concert or party. We like people who are nearby when we feel good. This is also why some suggest going to an amusement park on a first date. The person will begin to associate feelings of excitement, joy, and thrill with being in your presence.

  1. Smile and use their name.

If all else fails, just smile and remember their name. A simple smile sends a positive message about you and the other person that then becomes an emotional reward for being in your presence. Make an effort to remember someone’s name. Using their name is a small but powerful compliment and displays respect.

  1. Curb your fear of rejection.

Remember that many people are lonely these days; they could be starving for friendship and you may not even know it. Move the fear aside the best you can and realize that if it doesn’t work out it isn’t a rejection, but rather simply a friendship that wasn’t meant to be. Humans have fragile egos and these feared “rejections” often keep people from fulfilling connections—even at their detriment.

Whether you want to ask out a potential friend for coffee or a potential date for dinner… what is the most you have to lose? Oftentimes, there is much more to gain.

Start small and have faith in the process.

As you’ve noticed it takes some initiative to make new connections. If this is outside your comfort zone then it may be awkward or even draining to implementing these at first, but with practice will come more naturally. I promise.

Along with being proactive, its important to maintain an attitude of faith that you will find quality relationships. Going into the experience with a pessimistic attitude will only stunt the process.

Try implementing one friendship initiative within the next week. Start small. Ask someone that you don’t normally talk to how his or her day is going and listen intently. Ask a new acquaintance questions about their interests. New relationships are always just around the corner.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

Personal Development Relationships Social Life By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

The Decline Of Friendship And Why We Need It More Than Ever

“Of all the means to insure happiness throughout the whole life, by far the most important is the acquisition of friends.”  – Epicurus

I’ve recently noticed a silent epidemic in our country. Despite all the ways we can connect with others, loneliness seems to be on the rise from a lack of quality relationships. I worry we have become so isolative that even in cities with millions of people, many are living without even one solid friendship.

In Western culture, we have quietly pushed down our need for human connection as happiness has slowly declined along with it. Studies have shown that in the U.S., the number of friends that people “felt they could discuss important matters with” has been steadily declining for decades.

Technology that allows us to text, email, and use social media has made it easier to stay connected… yet often superficially. We have replaced quality with quantity.

I recently heard of a sorority that wouldn’t let girls join unless they had a minimum number of followers on Instagram. A sad but common example of the culture changes that have left quality friendships as a thing of the past.

Now more than ever we should reflect on how much we need to value our support systems, and consider what they actually do for us.

A Quick Philosophy Lesson on Friendship

Many ancient philosophers mention the importance of friendship in their teachings; my personal favorite is Epicurus. Throughout his writings he maintained a stance towards egoistic hedonism (the motive behind human behavior to move towards pleasure and away from pain). However, he loved friendship so much that it was the exception, and it could override someone’s natural tendency of egoistic hedonism.

In other words, we no longer just crave our own pleasure; we also seek pleasure for our friends. They are no longer separate, but a part of our selves.

Epicurus also started a school on the countryside of Athens called “the Garden” — a commune in which he lived and spent time with close friends developing his philosophy.

I’m sure he wouldn’t be pleased to see the state of friendship in our modern day culture.

Why We Need Friends

When considering the benefits of friendship, we need to keep in mind that it’s possible to have friends but still feel lonely. It is not until we have true social attachment and connection that the real benefits of friendship are realized.

  • Research has confirmed friendship is one of the best predictors of longevity and happiness throughout the lifespan.
  • People who feel supported by others are able to tolerate stressful experiences with greater ease and their level of optimism increases.
  • Our mood suffers when we focus too much on the self, friendship offers a buffer from self-absorption that often results in self-critical reflection. Suddenly, the incessant focus on our self dissolves… causing a moment of freedom from our own “problems.”
  • Whether you like it or not, your friends influence you for better or worse. Friends can easily impact your attitudes, moods, and behaviors. Be careful whom you choose to be around.
  • Quality friendships give us an outlet to have more substantial conversations; this allows for much more cathartic communication than the everyday small talk.
  • Friends can offer honest feedback when others might not feel as comfortable to let us know we need to fix our haircut. Along with this they should also elicit a sense of safety, trusting they have our best interests at heart.

The Most Valuable Friendship We Will Choose

The truth is that in today’s culture we are most likely to find our greatest source of friendship in a romantic relationship. This has become more prevalent as the family unit has become more removed from the community culture.

Research has shown that someone who is married with no friends is happier than an unmarried person with close friends. Married people also report that friendship in a marriage is more than five times as important as physical intimacy.

This brings up two important points:

  1. When picking a partner we need to gauge our level of friendship with that person. This includes having mutual respect and enjoying spending time with them.
  2. When we do find the person we wish to marry (if that is your goal), then we have to be careful they don’t become our only source of friendship. We put more demands on our spouse than at any other time in history. This can lead to an over dependence while we often repress our need for a variety of human connections.

Final Friendship Thoughts

Quality relationships need to remain a constant throughout the lifespan. Friendship is not only needed on the playground at recess, but also during bingo at the nursing home.

Again, the people we spend most our time with significantly influence our life. Surrounding ourselves with kind and supportive people is a way to ensure that influence is positive.

Unfortunately, we don’t get to choose our family. We do however get to choose our friends and these people can be the loving, supportive, caring people you may not have had in childhood. Friendship then becomes a tool for healing the dysfunctional past.

I often meet people that struggle with meeting friends and developing new meaningful relationships. They may be new to a city, have grown apart from friends over time, or other circumstances have left them alone.

If this is the case then I have put together some tips from the world of psychology to give you a leg up.

12 Hacks to Spark a New Relationship (Friendship, Dating, or Otherwise)

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

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Relationships: The 9 Key Ingredients For Lasting Commitment

A friend of mine recently got married. I proudly stood as his best man as he said his vows – a commitment to be with his wife for as long as they both shall live. And as I gave my speech, highlighting their love for each other and my confidence in their longevity as a couple, I couldn’t help but consider how often this commitment breaks down.

It seems that over the last century, this commitment has slowly eroded to a flimsy promise to stick around for the long haul.

However, we remain optimistic. We are hopeful we will find the person to commit to – take a deep breath – and hope that this pledge will leave us feeling safe; comfortably in love for all eternity.

Yet how often do we stop and sincerely consider what commitment actually means?

Whether you are single or currently in a relationship, reminding yourself the characteristics of a healthy commitment will better affirm a successful partnership.

11. Commitment is action

It’s easy for anyone to say they are committed to something. Simply saying “I do” on your wedding day can be the equivalent of drunkenly screaming out your New Years resolution.

The commitment in a relationship doesn’t just happen without effort; it’s the day-in-day out choice and action towards the lifelong journey with this person for better or worse.

2. Commitment is having a growth mindset

When I work with a couple that is genuinely committed there is an undeniable feeling in the room of “how will we make this work?” not “will we make this work.” This is a mindset of growth, rather than a fixed mindset of “this hasn’t worked, and will never work.”

Coming from a place of how allows the couple to make changes with less resistance, increases imagination, and creates a feeling of safety.

If you find yourself slipping out of a growth mindset, but would like to continue working on the relationship, try to act as if you had more of the “how can we make this work” attitude. It’s possible to have your doubts and still maintain a positive outlook.

3. Commitment is maintaining gratitude

Commitment is making a choice to see the positive qualities in your partner. It’s having gratitude for who they are instead of building resentment for what they are not.

Having appreciation for your significant other won’t only reinforce commitment, but will enhance the quality of the relationship as a whole. Remind yourself regularly why you were attracted to this person in the first place, and what qualities make you continue to fall in love with them.

4. Commitment is embracing vulnerability

When making a commitment to someone, we surrender ourselves to every possibility. For better or worse, a commitment affects our freedoms, family, finances, emotions, lifestyle, etc (no wonder it can be so scary). But without this vulnerability we stunt our ability to form adequate intimacy, and cheat ourselves from having the relationship we deserve.

Again, this isn’t something that is just assumed when you say “I do”. Vulnerability is required at every stage in a relationship. This allows us to develop closeness, connection, and authenticity to solidify our commitment.

5. Commitment is creating safety

Relationships cannot thrive without an undercurrent of safety. Research is finding that security is a human being’s primary need.  Our romantic relationships are ground zero to achieve a life of emotional security.

Intact commitment offers us safety in that “we are in this together, this person has my back”. The mere presence of our loved one soothes us into a feeling of “I’m safe with this person, I’m free to be myself”

6. Commitment is unconditional AND conditional love

“In a healthy person, loyalty has its limits and unconditional love can coexist with conditional involvement”   -David Richo

It is possible to love unconditionally but place conditions around that love. This allows us to respect our own self-love without losing ourselves to an unhealthy relationship.  “I love you, and I care for myself by not supporting your addiction.”

This part of a relationship is never black and white. We must be keen to reasonable expectations in a relationship, but also set high enough standards that we remain fulfilled.

All relationships are different, and all have their own unique challenges. However whenever there is any form of abuse, we must take care of our mental and physical wellbeing first.

7. Commitment is reviewing and healing the past

When committing to someone you have a personal responsibility to review how the past may contribute to your ability to successfully commit. Reviewing your past models of relationships from family and friends may of lead to your current belief system of what commitment looks like.

This also includes looking at our previous relationships that may have left us feeling betrayed, abandoned, or hurt – leaving us guarded. Unless we fully heal and learn from prior relationships we risk repeating the past.

Imagine discovering internal beliefs of “no one can be trusted” or “men will eventually just leave me.” Successfully confronting these beliefs are vital to allowing a successful, long lasting partnership.

8. Commitment is finding the Win-Win

It’s a Sunday afternoon and Holly wants to go to the store, but Jay wants to get the car washed. Their ability to work towards the win-win during these seemingly insignificant situations sets a tone that will answer the question, “Will this person meet my needs for the long haul?”

Certainly, Holly and Jay were put to the test in this high pressure situation… but intuitively understand that it’s the balance of giving and receiving core needs that leave both parties feeling fulfilled for the long term.

9. Commitment is having patience

Finally, be patient. Commitment does not come easy. It consistently challenges us to be imaginative, courageous, and responsible with a person that hopefully returns the favor. It allows us to develop the qualities that make us human. It forces us to put aside our ego, utilize empathy, and evolve. It may take a lifetime to fully understand the depth and qualities necessary for a healthy commitment.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.