Category: <span>Personal Development</span>

Difficult Decisions Personal Development By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

Faced With a Difficult Decision? The 15 Attributes of Effective Decision Makers

“He who has choice has trouble” -Dutch Proverb

“Life does not ask what we want. It presents us with options.” -Thomas Sowell

We make hundreds of decisions a day. Some are made for us or have an obvious choice, and some have been made so many times we are no longer conscious of them (your route to work, when to brush your teeth, etc).

All decisions, even minor ones, can have an impact on the direction of our life – but we tend to give the most attention to the difficult ones.

A difficult decision is one that has no inherent obvious choice. It assumes:

  • Choice A isn’t better than Choice B
  • Choice B isn’t better than Choice A
  • Neither choice is better than the other overall, they both have merit

A difficult decision can be as arbitrary as deciding between two TV shows to watch. Neither option is better than the other, both are equal. The decision is indeed difficult, but usually doesn’t keep us up at night.

However, our life will eventually hit multiple crossroads, requiring us to make those difficult life decisions. These are the ones that keep us up at night, cause impulsive pro/con lists, and have us asking every friend, family member, and random acquaintance their opinion on the matter.

Deep down we know that our decisions are important, but the overwhelming responsibility of choice can paralyze us.

We start to let ourselves drift, allowing life to make our decisions for us. This robs us of our rightful agency to direct our own path. We need to balance the gravity of our decisions, along with the willingness to accept their outcomes.

Some people are better at attacking these decisions than others. The following is a list of the attributes that effective, efficient, and thoughtful decision makers use to move through their dilemmas with greater ease.

 

1. They Use Multiple Perspectives 

Difficult decisions create a barrage of scattered thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. After a while, the amplified emotion and cognitive distortions start to cloud our judgment and creates blind spots. Effective decision makers know how to slow down, and spend time looking at the choices from multiple perspectives.

My favorite example of this concept is shown in this video from The School of Life

The video describes the decision making perspectives of: courage, caution, death, enemy, and gut.

These vantage points allow us to sort out those scattered thoughts and feelings while decision making. It can help us separate our “parts” that are in conflict.

Take for example the common clash of the heart vs. mind. The heart tells us what we want to do, while the mind says what we should do.

Seeing these separate parts clearly, we can see that we are not just one self. Instead, we are a composite of multiple selves, that have their own motivations, values, and opinions. A decision is difficult when these selves are at a stalemate, no one is winning the chess match.

Being able to honestly assess these different perspectives and selves provides for a more well informed decision making process.

Remember: Use multiple perspectives

 

2. They Limit Their Options

Research has shown how we can become quite illogical when faced with the possibility of a loss of options while decision making.

People in these studies will try to keep a less desirable option available, when logically, it should have been eliminated a long time ago.

This fear can force us to keep too many options open. Effective decision makers know they’re better off limiting their options.

You can see this play out in the dating app culture. Choosing someone to date is like seeing all those options of cereal at the grocery store. You pick one that you like, but after a week you start to wonder if you’d be happier with a different cereal. You can imagine the process being a bit easier in a small town without any apps, compared to the thousands of matches on your bumble account.

Effective decision makers may still fear the loss of options, but they can better manage the feeling. They can let go of unnecessary options so they can focus on the ones that make most sense.

Remember: Limit your options.

 

3. They Accept The Future is Largely Unknown

Part of why we get stuck with decisions is believing we can predict the future. Frivolously imagining the perceived outcomes, we begin to believe in our fortunetelling abilities.

Learning to let go of irrational attempts to predict the future allows more fluidity in our decision making process. It can help us live in the present moment, instead of trying to overly control our imagined outcome.

This concept is tough for those that like control and perfectionism. Making difficult decisions requires some level of surrender to the reality that our lives are largely unpredictable.

Of course there’s a balance, being thoughtful and conscious when making decisions is important, but only to a certain degree before we end up in fetal position wishing someone would decide for you.

Remember: Be willing to let go of the belief that you can predict the future. 

 

4. They Know Their Values/Purpose/Goals  

As we make decisions, we have the chance to guide our life towards our core values, goals, and purpose. If we are unaware of what these are for ourselves, we have no footing when making assertive decisions.

Without knowing and using our values, our life is tossed around aimlessly like a napkin flying around a windy baseball park. We’ve become lost, confused, and passive.

Research has found that individuals who are goal-oriented, and with higher self-awareness, performed better on decisions-making tasks.

Spending time reflecting on your values, goals, and direction colors the decision making process with what’s important to you. It’s so easy to fall into social norms and pressures while contemplating a decision.

Being keen to your prioritized values is also helpful when doing decisions making exercises such as a pros/cons list.

Remember: Allow your values, goals, and purpose to inform your decisions.

 

5. They Do Their Homework 

Tonya had always wanted to work in advertising. She started taking classes at the local college and after her first year, was still inspired by the career choice. The following summer she started to have floating thoughts about her passion for teaching (her mother was a teacher at the a grade school.)  She was now torn with which to pursue her sophomore year.

She accepted a new homework assignment for the summer. She interviewed people already in the two careers, did a pros/cons list, shadowed someone that taught summer school, allocated time to self-reflect, and listened to her intuition.

Effective difficult decision makers know that doing their homework is a responsible action step in helping along their process. However, they also know that it may not always give them a clear-cut answer. It’s just another step in the process.

*Make sure that if you’re involving others in your decision process that they are trustworthy, well-intentioned, positive resources. 

Remember: Do your homework

 

6. They Actively Avoid “Choice Overload”

Take a second to think about the amount of decisions you make in one day.

What to have for breakfast, what line to get into at the grocery store, which pasta sauce to buy, when to take the dog out, etc.

The researcher, Sheena Iyengar, specializes in the study of choice. Her research sheds light on a concept she calls, “choice overload problem”.

More so in western culture, we are constantly bombarded with an overload of choices. There’s no better example than what we see in a consumer culture with thousands of choices. Just going to the grocery store, scanning Netflix, or online shopping can cause decision fatigue.

There’s a reason why people like Mark Zuckerberg and the late Steve Jobs wore the same clothes every day. It’s one less decision, allowing that energy to be put towards more important decisions.

In order to have sufficient energy to make the important decisions, we have to adjust to a culture saturated with meaningless decisions.

For life decisions, it’s important to be mindful of when you’re spending time thinking about the decision. Is it at the end of long day after you’ve already had to make multiple decisions during the work day? Probably not the best time to seriously reflect on your upcoming decision whether to propose to your girlfriend.

Remember: Reduce energy spent on arbitrary decisions. 

 

7. They Accept There’s No “Right” and “Wrong” Decision

 “The problem is that we have been taught to “Be careful! You might make the wrong decision!” A wrong decision! Just the sound of that can bring terror to our hearts.” -Susan Jeffers

Some decisions are a matter of quantifiable variables. Imagine you’ve just caught two fish, but you only have room in the boat for one to bring home. The decision which to keep can easily be solved by weighing the fish. One is heavier than the other, easy.

We can get trapped into believing our life decisions are like weighing two fish. We want to assume there is an objective, measurable “right” choice. We dream of having a decision manual to find on page 46 a clear, impartial answer to our dilemma.

But with life decisions, we don’t work with definitive measurements – instead we are using personal values. These won’t get us an exact “right” decision . Your value of having more free time or making more money when deciding between two jobs isn’t like choosing which fish is heavier.

We assume that a ‘wrong’ decision will deprive us of some pleasure. When in reality, most difficult decisions have their own unseen and not-yet-rationalized pleasures that happen once a decision is made.

Decisions give us the freedom to live how we want. Another person with the same decision might not choose the same thing. There is no objective “right” choice.

Existentialism reminds us that as human beings, we carry the burden of making rational decisions despite the fact we live in an irrational universe. At times, our human super power of reason gets the best of us – failing to remember the chaotic and irrational world we live in. The ‘universe’ doesn’t work with absolute rights and wrongs, so why should we?

Remember: Accept there’s no “right” and “wrong” decision.

 

8. They Understand The Cost of Not Making A Decision

We sometimes assume that the choices in front of us are the ones that hold the most risk – while failing to realize the risk of not making a decision.

Let’s consider the dilemma whether to move to Seattle or Portland. Each location has its merits, but remains a difficult decision – one where neither option is objectively better than the other.

We spend countless days and months trying to decide, neglecting the fact that living in our current city may be having negative consequences (Job sucks, your ex keeps inviting themselves over, and your apartment doesn’t have air-conditioning).

It’s the status-quo bias:  when we stay in a certain situation so long that we become blind to the negative elements. Over time, we have adapted, and are somewhat ignorantly immune to our own reality.

Effective decision makers take into account the cost of non-action. Thoroughly understanding that not making a decision is the same as making a decision to keep their current circumstances.

Because of this, they ‘acknowledge today’s choice.’ They fully embrace the decision they have made for that 24 hours to decide to NOT make a decision. This allows them to continue to blend this perspective in with their current choices.

Remember: Acknowledge the cost/benefits of NOT making a decision

 

9. They Aren’t Hard on Themselves 

Wrestling with a difficult decision could easily awaken our inner critic. It starts barking at us, “if only you were smarter you would know what to do”.Decisions are tough enough without an onslaught of self-deprecation.

We only have so much information at our disposal. Again, these decisions don’t always have black and white solutions; they are complex, as we are ever-evolving with an unknown future.

If we hold our decisions to a standard our competency, then when we DO choose something and it doesn’t pan out as we had hoped; we are more likely to get upset with ourselves.

Instead, realizing our humanity at the front end of a decision, will allow a more balanced, and compassionate view of ourselves, and the decision, no matter the outcome.

Remember: Practice self-compassion throughout the process.

 

10. They Can Tolerate The Feeling Of Responsibility 

Research has found the  feeling of responsibility to be a major factor in people’s “choice avoidance.” People would rather choose a default option or maintain the status quo then assume responsibility. They also found that the feeling of responsibility increases depending on if other people would be affected by the decision.

As responsibility increased, so would the chances that a participant would rely on another person to choose on their behalf.

Our comfort level with taking responsibility in our everyday lives will likely impact our comfort level in making decisions, even small ones.

Effective decision makers usually come equipped with a healthy narcissism. They can still account for the effect the decision may have on others, while maintaining a confidence that if the decision were to have “negative” implications that their self-esteem would still be intact.

Tolerating the feeling of responsibility for our decisions allows us to take greater responsibility for our lives. A virtue of integrity, that can make life even sweeter.

Remember: Get comfortable with the feeling of responsibility. 

 

11. They’re Confident They Can Handle Any Outcome

“Security is not having things; it’s handling things.” -Susan Jeffers 

A difficult decision is usually littered with fear of what could happen. If we are anxious about a decision, we start to catastrophize, dreaming up the worst case outcomes.

Behind all fear is a belief that “I will not be able to handle the outcome.”

We can get stuck during the decision making process when we underestimate our ability to DO something once the “worst” happens.

  • DECISION:“What if I choose a new career and I don’t make enough money, my partner’s upset, and I burn through all my savings!
  • I Can’tHandle It:“Oh man, that would suck!” (thought process stops)
  • I CanHandle It:“I will find a way to make money, we could go to couples therapy, and I’ll devise a budget over the next 3 years to recoup my savings.

Reminding yourself of your agency to handle any outcome can reduce fear and help put the decision in a clearer perspective.

Remember: Remind yourself of how you can (and will) handle the perceived negative outcomes of your decisions. 

 

12. They Make Time to Mindfully Reflect 

A difficult life decision warrants uninterrupted, mindful time for reflection. To sit down and map out your perspectives, write pros/cons, and do the homework to make a decision with integrity.

It doesn’t have to be hours on end, sometimes a few 5-10 minute mindful reflections could transform our stance on an impending decision.

People can underestimate how much their emotions can impact their decisions – being able to settle our mind and emotions during reflection is key to a sound decision making process.

Remember: Take time to mindfully review your decision.  

 

13. They Curb Impulse And Avoid Analysis Paralysis 

Difficult decisions can be stressful, there are two ends of the spectrum we would hope to avoid when under stress of a dilemma.

  1. When we think about a decision for far too long, and start to overthink it – we can fall into ‘anaylsis paralysis.’ We’re frozen in time, delaying making a choice.
  2. There is also something called action-bias. It’s what happens when we are stressed while with a decision and become impulsive instead of thoughtful. “I have to do something even though I don’t know what to do!”

Effective decision makers land somewhere in the middle, where they don’t make rash, impulsive decisions just to make one – and they don’t let themselves fall prey to analysis paralysis.

Remember: Don’t make an impulsive decision just to make one, and don’t allow yourself to fall into analysis paralysis

 

14. They Whole Heartedly Commit To Their Decisions (And Close Doors Behind Them)

There is no better metaphor for this than the story of commander Xiang Yu. Xiang led his army across the Yangtze River to attack the army of the Qin Dynasty. Him and his troops docked on the shores of river to rest for the night before the invasion. Upon awakening, the troops were surprised to find Xiang had set fire to all the ships and had smashed all their cooking supplies.

Xiang explained that without their ships or supplies they had no choice other than to win the battle, or die trying. The troops went on to win nine consecutive battles against the Qin army.

Commander Xiang’s actions help us understand the importance of closing doors behind us and wholeheartedly committing to our decisions.

When we commit to our decisions, we save valuable energy that would be spent thinking about our exit strategies – we’re not half in and half out. The 100% commitment allows for greater attention, focus, and effort to the direction we have faithfully chosen.

Remember: Wholeheartedly commit to your decisions.

 

15. They Have Faith in the Long Game

After making a decision, It’s easy to make a snap judgement on how “good” the decision was. Effective decision makers know the game isn’t over yet. A decision’s outcome could take months, or years to see the positive return.

Someone’s “wrong” decision to go to law school (after not becoming a lawyer) becomes the decision that lead to them meeting their future husband or wife, utilize knowledge from the program a decade later, or reconnect with a former peer which leads to a key opportunity.

They also understand that a decision may not provide absolute happiness every day after they make it. They have faith in the process after a decision is made, often less focused on the immediate product.

Remember: Be patient after making a decision, and enjoy the process.

 

The 15 things to remember when faced with a difficult decision

  1. Use multiple perspectives
  2. Limit your options.
  3. Be willing to let go of the belief that you can predict the future. 
  4. Allow your values, goals, and purpose to inform your decisions.
  5. Do your homework
  6. Reduce energy spent on meaningless decisions. 
  7. Accept there’s no “right” and “wrong” decision.
  8. Acknowledge the cost/benefits of NOT making a decision
  9. Practice self-compassion throughout the process.
  10. Get comfortable with the feeling of responsibility. 
  11. Think of how you can (and will) handle the perceived negative outcomes of your decisions
  12. Take time to mindfully review your decision.  
  13. Don’t make an impulsive decision just to make one, and don’t allow yourself to fall into analysis paralysis
  14. Wholeheartedly commit to your decisions.
  15. Be patient after making a decision, and enjoy the process

 

Last Reminder – Relearning the Art of Courage

“The pain of regret far outweighs the pain of risk.” -Jay Shetty

“Indecision steals many years from many people who wind up wishing they’d just had the courage to leap.” -Doe Zantamada

“We need to vigorously re-learn the art of courage, to remember that the happiest lives have invariably had inflection points where people did the slightly unexpected and weird thing, took a gamble, and won.” -The School of Life

These quotes remind us that at the heart of the decision making process is a need for courage. It reminds us that decisions can be scary, and that taking a risk causes far less pain than the feeling of regret. Only problem is that regret might not be felt for years, maybe decades later.

Courage allows us to act, to not let life choose for us, and not always take the safest option.

Part of my mission as a therapist is to help others actualize a fulfilling life. To me, a fulfilling life requires moments of making the “slightly unexpected and weird” decisions. It’s scattered with courageous acts, where fear was replaced with faith, and indecision replaced with committed action.

We need to understand the potential consequences of our decisions, but also realize the power of courageous choice at those inflection points throughout our lifespan. Our limited time on earth would  hopefully be marked by the embrace of the immediate pains of risk, rather than the delayed agonies of regret.

 

Personal Development Thoughts By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

“You Are Not Your Thoughts”: A Beginners Guide to the Thoughts in Your Head

“The stream of thoughts surges through the mind of an ordinary person, who will have no knowledge whatsoever about who is thinking, where the thought comes from, and where the thought disappears. The person will be totally and mindlessly carried away by one thought after another!” -Tulku Urgen

As a young student of psychology, I would hear people say, “you are not your thoughts.”

Whoever said this never elaborated and I was left with many questions…

“What do you mean I’m not my thoughts?”

“What are thoughts?”

“Why has no one taught me what thoughts are?”

“Who the heck have I been listening all these years?!”

Depending on your history with thoughts, they can be quite annoying, depressing, obsessive, insecure, you name it. Although, at some point, everyone has some variation of an uncomfortable thought.

So to walk around believing that I was not those thoughts sounded like fantastic news.

Also, we have 1,000s of thoughts a day. A ubiquitous part of our everyday life. So the thing that happens 1,000s of times a day inside our heads was never explained to me and yet it had an enormous impact on my daily reality? That’s *%(#@!

Finally, I was able to grasp the idea that I wasn’t my thoughts and have since built a much healthier relationship with them.

So here’s a brief primer to thoughts: what they are, who it is that thinks them, and what to do with them.

 

First, what are thoughts?

“The brain secretes thought as the liver secretes bile.” – Pierre Cabanis 

Thoughts are a natural occurrence – a product of being human. But even with all the progress in the world of psychology and neuroscience a true understanding of our mental processes remains somewhat of a mystery.

What we do know, is that thoughts are a small part of a larger scope of mental activity.

Mental activity includes: thinking, emotion, planning, perception, memory, etc.

One of the byproducts of this mental activity is “thought” in the form of images, language, memories, ideas, dreams, and perspective.

People sometimes assume that thoughts are completely conscious, but most are automatic, and out of our conscious awareness. It’s more likely that we become conscious of thoughts from the incessant bubbling of the unconscious mind.

Don’t believe me? If you were really consciously thinking all the time then you could willingly stop them from happening. Try it out…. you can’t.

The brain/body reacts to internal or external cues constantly. Shooting into the unconscious; thoughts, feelings, and impulses at a speed of 50-100 milliseconds. Your conscious brain can pick up on these events at 500- 1500 milliseconds after the fact.

Your unconscious holds pleasant and unpleasant thoughts – and it doesn’t really care what it holds, actually – it just wants what’s best for you. Kind of like a 6thsense…

The sixth sense they forgot to mention

 “The purpose of thinking is to let the ideas die instead of us dying” -Alfred North Whitehead

Evolutionary psychologists regard the ability to think as an adaption. Just like our sense of sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing have been advantageous to our survival – so has thought.

Buddha had a similar idea, regarding the mind as an equal contributor to our reality as the other five senses. Our thoughts become another way to filter and interpret the world.

Thinking about your next meal might be seen as a similar process to seeing the buffalo tracks, or smelling the buffalo herd’s remains.

As the quote from Alfred North Whitehead suggests, the function of thinking can be seen as an exercise in survival. To play out situations in our minds, allows us to guess the outcome, giving us a better chance at survival.

Dan Siegel takes the opinion of the Buddha one step further. Stating the sixth sense as the body, the seventh as mental activities (such as thoughts, feelings, and memories), and our eighth as the relational sense or our interconnectedness with others.

Nonetheless, this perspective allows for a depersonalization of our thoughts. Our thoughts are just interpretations, suggestions, and opinions on how to get through this thing called life.

 

 Who’s thinking these thoughts? 

“Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.”  - Eckhart Tolle

When we are not mindfully aware (or in consciousness) of our internal world we are left prone to identify with thoughts and feelings as who we are.

Instead of simply “having a thought/feeling”, many get swept away by its influence. As we engage with it, we forget to honor its transitory nature, a temporary existence. Like clouds moving in the sky.

So the general consensus becomes that we are the observer of our thoughts.

We are the consciousness, the spirit, behind the thoughts. We are the watcher: laying on the grass watching the clouds float on by.

***This can be too “spiritual” for some people, so whatever word or concept (spirit, consciousness, the observer, etc) feels comfortable is the one you should go with when starting a relationship with your thoughts.

Even just partially understanding this approach to thoughts can be immensely useful. Again – it depersonalizes our thoughts, especially when they are unpleasant, leaving us more likely to be in the present moment than engaging in unconscious chatter.

That’s it? That’s really who I am?

As I continued to explore this notion of “you are not your thoughts”, I found some dead ends to the logic that all our thoughts and feelings are just fleeting mental stimuli.

At the very least I can see how it could cause distress in believing that none of the mental chatter, memories, ideas, are associated with who we are. To think that all we are is consciousness, an observer, a soul, or any representation of the who behind the scenes can induce a small existential crisis.

I would be remiss if I didn’t address this side of the concept, and for that I give this perspective…

Our state of mind and body has continuing qualities. The thoughts and feelings that have a repeated presence in our lives can be imagined as a part of our “self”. Let’s take a moment to define what the “self” really is…

“The self – a term signifying an internal sense of identity, sometimes including one’s body, personality, or membership in relationships and/or groups. There are many “selves” of a healthy individual. The self is often seen as a singular noun, where is it may be better considered as a “plural verb”. Includes functions of the self, such as somatic, linguistic, emotional, reflective, and social self.” -Dan Siegel

What we identify as our “selves”, such as extrovert, liberal, teacher, depressed, or nurturing are all strengthened pathways of our brain that create a repetitiveness, a generalized state of mind. These identifications come with their own set of implicit thoughts and feelings. 

  • As the watcher of the clouds in sky, we notice dark rain clouds becoming more repetitive. (Depression Self)
  • We may notice passing creative thoughts about our upcoming presentation. (Creative Self)
  • A doctor will have thoughts about how to cure their patient. (Doctor Self)

Our identities change throughout life, once a child now an adult, once a student now a teacher, etc. These identities allow us the ability to call upon the dominant pathways associated with the identity in order to play the roles we engage in throughout the day.

So the distinction becomes, your selves (identity) exists in flux, as an ever-evolving process that contains subsequent patterns of thinking.

The who (observer, soul, consciousness) is an ever-present and never-changing deeper authenticity from birth to death (and beyond if you believe so).

Some would consider this “self” as the “ego”. The theory of ego would just further caution people not to identify with a past/future self, represented in the mind, but instead of an identification with the present moment, conscious awareness.

“Character” Thoughts

 One last interpretation is that our deeper true/authentic self exists with its own eternal disposition. (possibly a part of the observer)

This holds the most core principles of our being. These principles could be seen as core values, interests, motivations, and truths. Part of our general character.

Our character can be considered as giving us “thoughts.” The skill becomes discerning which thoughts are coming from the varied parts of your being. (It can be confusing, I know)

 

What could I do with these thoughts?

1. Don’t always take them seriously

Most of our problems with thoughts come from taking them too seriously. When we see our thoughts as a truth, we give them more attention than necessary. When we give them more notice, they become louder and more engrained into the psyche.

This of course becomes a problem when they are uncomfortable, negative, anxiety-filled, etc. We don’t complain about intrusive thoughts when they give us an ingenious idea to solve a problem. We usually welcome those, and judge them as useful.

2. Become more mindful

Yes, more reason to meditate. Integrating more mindfulness (through meditation or other mindful practices) into our day provides the ability to access the observer. We access the consciousness of who we are.

It also gives you a powerful skill to observe the types of thoughts that inhabit and dance around your mind. This turns off the autopilot of unconscious thinking (often stemming from things out of your control) and gives you pause to consciously construct the types of thoughts you’d rather have guiding you throughout life.

3. Develop the wisdom to know what thoughts are telling you

For the most part, intrusive thoughts are not coming from some deeper message. They can in fact just be nonsense interpretations, and distorted opinions. Especially under intense emotion. “Never believe your thoughts when you’re angry.”

However, there is a wisdom to understanding the nuance of when thoughts are nudging us about something, or are just random and nonsensical. For instance, our daydreaming/nightdreaming could be calling us to act on some unsolved problem (usually relationship oriented). Your unconscious mind is trying to help you feel more secure, in less pain.

Also,  thoughts can be a great way to enter into other unconscious processes. For instance, perhaps you have a friend that is strongly opinionated, and respectfully assertive with their views. Maybe this gives you thoughts of, “Oh man, I hate that about him”. This thought can be seen as a clue, to a part of you that wishes you were more like your friend. Thoughts can be useful in this manner, a way to better understand your personal areas of growth.

I know this is adding more confusion, but coupling these perspectives with experience can help you move to a new, healthier relationship with your mind.

4. Create them when needed

It is clear we need thoughts, we need them for our survival and the pursuit of happiness. Knowing how to deal with intrusive, weird, and disturbing thoughts is one thing, but not the whole story.

There are times we need to creatively look at our future, self reflect on past mistakes, or mentally rehearse an upcoming presentation. These thoughts we can consider to be more conscious in nature, and provide a positive utility to our lives.

5. Don’t Think – Do

When you find yourself struggling with thoughts, get into the present moment and DO something. Being engaged with an activity, can put attention on the moment and not your internal chatter.

6. Search for the emotion

“Most of us think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel, but we are actually feeling creatures that think”– Jill Taylor

Remember, the brain and body are connected. The emotions you experience have significant impact on thoughts.

“Story Follows State.”

Not having enough attention on your emotional world can lead you to identify with thoughts more often.

Understanding that your body is feeling anger can help you not take the thought “I should just punch Norm in the face and steal his car” so seriously.

Cultivating a higher emotional intelligence can allow for a better knowledge of the mind/body connection relative to thoughts.

7.  Ask, “Who does this belong to?”

Sometimes the thoughts in our head were not created by us. If you’re thinking, “I will never be successful.” Take a moment to ask yourself – who does this belong to? Perhaps it’s your Aunt Helen that always seemed to criticize your endeavors.

Thoughts and beliefs like this have their way of creeping into our subconscious, because its not always a conscious choice to believe Aunt Helen, we are more likely to assume we came up with the thought.

Seeing these connections can lead you to create more positive, accurate thoughts about yourself and the world around you.

 

Our Culture Loves Thinking (too much) 

Lastly, it’s important to address how our culture (particularly Western) overvalues thinking on a broader scale. Yes, there are plenty of reasons why this has been advantageous for the growth of many industries and general prosperity.

However, we are in LOVE with thoughts, and this has its consequences. This may force us to identify with our (and others) personal narrative, getting lost in our heads, and disembodied from the world. Is that a world you want to live in?

We need to start fostering more of a balance. Creating a culture that focuses less on the selves, and ego’s inside and around, and instead allow for more attention on the human being behind these constructs.

A community that can see beyond thoughts, is a community that supports the human, and not just the constructs of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that temporarily inhabit that human being.

Action Step 

This week, get to know your current relationship with your thoughts. Start to practice more nonjudgmental, mindful awareness of what’s happening in your mind. Let these practices give you a better window into the who behind the thoughts, and hopefully come to a better understanding that “you are not your thoughts”.

Motivation Personal Development Self-improvement By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

Start The Day With These 15 Strategies to Improve Your Motivation, Mind, and Mood

 

Before your feet hit the floor in the morning, a lot can go on in your mind and body. Perhaps its used to something like this:

Wake up.
“Noooo”
Sigh
Snooze
Rollover
“Crap, that’s right I gotta do that today”
Dread
Snooze
More Dread
“S*&%, better get up now”

You finally roll out of bed, do the normal mindless routine, and carry around the disposition you woke up with to start your day (and it’s probably not the most optimal).

I am a firm believer that taking advantage of at least the first 5 minutes after waking up (if not up to the first hour) is a chance to set the tone of the day. There are 1,000 minutes in a day, so what’s 5 minutes to get a leg up?

If you’ve been planning on putting more energy into mental health, finding a few minutes in the morning to dedicate towards self-improvement, mindset, and general well-being can gradually transform your life for the better.

Why the morning?

  “It’s been said that the first hour is the rudder of the day”
-Steve Pavlina

Imagine your self as a ship that’s been docked overnight. Wouldn’t you want to refuel the engine, restock supplies, tidy up the ship, and properly set the rudder towards your destination for that day’s voyage? Rolling out of bed without these proper steps before you set sail increases the likelihood that your boat will endure more stress, breakdown, or get lost at sea. Integrating positive habits in the beginning of the day better ensures a successful day at sea.

For most people, once the day starts, it gains momentum in your routine, responsibilities, and general flow. By the end of the day, sometimes the last thing you want to do is integrate self-improvement activities that you may or may not be totally sold on in the first place. The longer you wait, excuses build up, “I’m tired, don’t have time, and can start tomorrow”

Completing some of the strategies that will be mentioned in this article sends a message to your unconscious at the very beginning of your day that you matter, that “I value myself enough to apply these techniques”. It helps provide an internalized message that “I am worth it”. After giving to yourself in this way, the chance of burnout decreases and can enable you to give more willingly throughout the day to your job, responsibilities, children, coworkers, partner, etc.

It’s also an exercise in being a proactive participant in life, rather than reactive. Most people live in a reactive state, having things come to them and reacting to just get through the day. Adding more intention to what you want for the day allows for a proactive approach. It gives the sense of agency and responsibility to your life direction.

After working with clients on this issue, I have compiled some of the more effective strategies to consider implementing in the early moments of the day. I have broken them down into the 3 M’s (Motivation, Mood, and Mind). Each is listed below, with a menu of items to add to your morning. Pick and choose your favorites from each to start optimizing the start to your day.

Morning Motivation

The morning is primetime to consciously program your unconscious for the rest of the day. Our minds love to go on autopilot as the day goes on, so mindfully programming your software to guide you in the right direction throughout the day is key. Motivation, in this sense, goes beyond just the obligation to complete “the stuff I have to do today”. It can be about inspiration, excitement, passion, values, and goals that can enliven your day.

Motivation Menu

1. Mental Modeling.

Many CEOs develop this habit, probably out of necessity. It involves spending a few moments to set up a minute-to-minute mental map of the day’s events. This includes visualizing accomplishing your responsibilities and how you would like to be while completing them.

Example – Imagining your meeting at 11am, approaching the situation with confidence and openness.

However, your day rarely turns out exactly how you intend, so it must also be accompanied with an attitude of flexibility to allow diversions. Setting up this mental model for the day reduces the chance you will waste time, procrastinate, or simply not do something because you don’t feel like it.

2. Set Your Intentions.

They can seem cheesy but try them out. Setting an intention acts as another way to tell your unconscious what you believe about the day ahead. “I intend to have a productive day at work”…  “I intend to be confident in my actions”… “I intend to be kinder to everyone I meet today”.  These could also be called “Morning Manifestations.”

3. Review Values and Purpose.

Motivation doesn’t exist without attaching values. Reminding yourself of your values can provide better direction and meaning throughout the day. Having a value of being a supportive father could influence your decision to ask your daughter about her basketball practice. Having a value of professionalism could affect your behavior and attitude going into your workday.

Also, Creating a purpose statement, framing it, and putting it on your nightstand can remind you of your why at that current period of your life.

4. Embody Your Motivated Self (or Role Model).

Let your mind drift to a moment you felt most motivated. Your mind may give you an image or a movie reel of this. Go into that moment again, embodying yourself at your peak motivation. Notice what it felt like and allow that feeling to flood your body…then double that feeling.  Perhaps you remember how laser-focused you were, or how your body felt light and energized.

Also, “acting as if” you were someone you know, or a character in a movie or book that emulates how you’d like to be that day can be helpful.

5. Review Goals.

Having short-term and long-term goals allows you to revisit what you’ve been working on daily. This will hopefully increase attention and action towards your goals. Goals are rarely achieved in one day, so behaving in ways that are aligned with your goals everyday is a key to long term success. Making S.M.A.R.T. goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Results-Focused, Time-Oriented) can give you an advantage.

*It’s easiest to have your values, purpose statement, goals, and intentions written so that you don’t have to remember them every morning. You will also be more likely to take action towards goals if they are written out. Remember all of these should be revisited regularly and modified as time goes on.

Morning Mood

Imagine you just woke up from a bad dream, it’s raining outside, you think of a report that’s due, and your team lost the game last night. These things you can’t control, but can greatly affect your mood as you wake up. Starting the day with a mood more in your control can positively influence your disposition, thoughts, and behavior.

Mood Menu

6. Gratitude.

Research continues to confirm that listing a few things you are grateful for can significantly provide a more positive mood.It can be as simple as having running water or clothes in your closet. Working on boosting your self-worth? Make sure there’s one about a personal attribute like, “I’m grateful that I’m caring/creative/resourceful”.

7. Exercise and Body Movement.

Your brain constantly takes cues from your body about how you’re doing in the world. If you start your day with making your arms wide (power pose), running in place, jumping jacks, push-ups, or even a simple stretch can be incredibly mood-boosting increasing serotonin levels. You don’t have to do a full workout; just 30 seconds of any of these can make a difference (Although integrating exercise of any length of time or intensity is beneficial).

8. Air and Water.

Water and oxygen are our body’s most essential resources. Drinking a tall glass of water can assist your body in waking up for the day. Taking a few deep breaths from your abdomen gives a heavy dose of oxygen. Focus solely on your breath as you inhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 7, and exhale to a count of 8 is an approach that can calm the body, especially for those that carry extra anxiety in the morning. Do these and feel your body thank you.

9. Manage Default Emotions and Thoughts.

It’s common to have your mind drift to more distressing places as you wake up, perhaps something that provokes anxiety, stress, or even grief from a recent loss. If you continue to entertain these thoughts/emotions they will linger throughout the morning, which will then generate a mood. I’m not advocating to not reflect or honor the thoughts that caused the mood, but rather to decide a reasonable amount of time to consider them so they can naturally subside and not impact your mood for the day.

10. Music.

Create a morning playlist that stimulates the emotional systems you wish to target. Find moments to intently focus on the sound and lyrics to get the most out of your favorite mood-boosting songs.  Can’t play music? Just imagining a song playing in your head can have similar effects; personally, I like to use the Superman Theme song by John Williams (Stimulates confidence and motivation for me)

Morning Mind

If you haven’t noticed our mind can be very active in the morning. Random thoughts of stresses, to-do’s, anxieties, and even disturbing images can flood the mind. The majority of these thoughts are not under our control. Finding a way to calm the mind and inject your own prescribed thoughts for the day can allow you to start seeing your mind as a tool rather than a nuisance.

Mind Menu

11. Meditation/Mindfulness.

Mindfulness is simply noticing anything in the present moment with an attitude of non-judgmental awareness. This could be items in your room, physical sensations, things outside your window, sounds, smells, etc. Starting your day with this activity improves focus, attention, non-reactivity, improved emotional regulation, immune functioning, and stress relief to name a few. Meditation is just another method to integrate this skill into your morning routine. Research shows just 10 minutes a day can improve many mental and emotional issues. Even just a couple minutes of sitting in silence while focusing on the breath, or using a guided meditation can be helpful. I find mindfulness to be one of the most essential tools for maximizing the power of the mind.

12. Thought Defusing.

This is similar to what you might do in meditation but can be a separate activity. This involves observing your thoughts as they bubble up from your unconscious. Imagine sitting on the banks of a river (your stream of thought) and seeing the floating leaves pass by (thoughts).  Having an attitude of curiosity, openness, and non-judgment is key. This allows more confidence in your ability to distance yourself from the sometimes-incessant chatter in the back of your mind. As I mentioned we have different types of thoughts. Discerning the helpful from unhelpful types can help in reducing negative emotion, increasing awareness, and reduce time wasted on the more unhelpful types of thought.

13. Quotes.

The mind is pliable and always capable of integrating new perspectives and attitudes. Finding quotes, sayings, or passages from books can aid in expanding your mind. Introducing new ideas in this way changes our minds. Try revisiting the ones that resonate with you the most as you begin your day. Perhaps even using quotes of admiration, appreciation, or encouragement from yourself, friends, and family members.

14. Write Stuff Down.

Our minds love to remind us of our to-do’s, anxieties, let downs, etc. They can float around up there occasionally tugging on us until it gets sufficient attention. Writing what you need to do that day, or doing a simple 5-minute journal (just writing whatever comes to mind) can allow your mind to organize prominent thoughts. This helps free up space for attention, focus, and creative thought. Writing is a sophisticated form of thinking. Writing things down early in the morning can help you better think through your approach to the day/week/month events. This can allow for more conscious action towards your most valued facets of life.

15. Reading.

It takes focused attention to read. Reading generates a different state of mind compared to checking email, scrolling social media, or thinking of how much you have to do that day. As a bonus, you can choose to read material such as self-help books that may provide positive mind changing ideas and perspectives.

 

Morning Questions

As a bonus, start your day by asking yourself some thoughts provoking questions.

Question Menu

What am I looking forward to today?
Longer term, what am I looking forward to in the future?
Am I in my body enjoying the gift of being alive?
What do I intend for the day?
What am I grateful for today?
What do I wantto do today/long term?
How can I act with passion today?
What is my purpose?
Am I displaying my true self or false self?
Am I doing things that lead directly to my goals?
What do I value most today?
Which e-motions are moving me through the day? (excitement, fear, joy)
Am I being my best friend and supporter?
What are my most dominate thoughts as I wake up?
How am I feeling?
How do I want to be today?

“But I’m Not a Morning Person!”

Yes, this was me too. However, I’ve found that the power of this statement is more in the belief itself than in some biological predisposition.  Many of us crave that extra 5-20 minutes of sleep, but at what cost? Does it really matter THAT much? When there’s a will there’s a way, and I would challenge you to confront this belief. Try going to bed to a little earlier, or reducing time on other habits to ease your anxiety.

The Morning Begins at Night

Priming your next morning during the last minutes before bed is an essential step. This helps in making the mental and emotional commitment to change the behaviors/habits/routines of the morning ahead.

1. Reflect on how you’d like to start your day, perhaps using the 3 M’s menu items.

2. Think more clearly on how this new system will be integrated into the other necessary responsibilities (walking the dog, showering, brushing your teeth).

3. Visualize yourself completing this new system, possibly feeling the sensation of pride/motivation/eagerness while going through the set actions.

4. Be mindful of the thoughts you have about the morning to come. There’s a big difference between thinking “dang, I have to wake up in 6 hours to start my crappy day”, and “I can’t wait to start my day with more focus, motivation, and gratitude.”

Give Yourself Flexibility, Compassion, Patience, and Room for Discovery

Flexibility– The morning routine you settle on should have variations that it can be done in just a few minutes or as long as you wish. Having an attitude of flexibility will lower your resistance to completing it, and possible loss of momentum because you didn’t have your usual allotted time.

Self-Compassion – Let’s face it; you’ll probably skip a day or lose motivation at some point. This is not a time to sit in self-deprecation. Be kind to yourself and become loving yet firm with yourself knowing that you are still committed and plan on picking up where you left off tomorrow morning.

Be Patient – Habits don’t form overnight. Give yourself enough days in a row to allow more automaticity to your new morning routine. There will be days you will not feel like doing it, just like you may not feel like going to the gym. Fall back on your values and purpose for starting the new routine in the first place. As I always say, “Principle over Discomfort.” Building this kind of morning routine is an investment in yourself, overtime you will begin to see the Return On Investment, further your motivation to keep it up.

It’s a Process of Discovery – Like most endeavors in life, this is a process of discovery of what your optimal morning could look like. None of these strategies is set in stone; this should only be used as a starting point. Let yourself experiment with new and creative ways to energize and systematize your morning. No one has the same set of values, goals, personality, and expectations. After integrating these new strategies into your routine, make room to reflect on how they have impacted you during the previous weeks and months. Finding even the smallest benefits acts as a necessary positive reinforcement.

This week choose a few menu options and morning questions to get started. Wake up eager to prepare your ship for the day, then set sail with a brand new sense of motivation, mood, and mindset.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

Personal Development Self-improvement By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

Forgetting How to Fly: Why Adults Need to Go Back to Neverland

In the movie Hook, Robin Williams plays a grumpy, middle-aged man that’s dispirited by everyday life. We later find out that he is Peter Pan, but left Neverland (and the memory of Neverland) many years ago to start a family.

The story continues when his nemesis, Captain Hook, kidnaps his children and now must return to Neverland to save them. Robin William’s character eventually goes back but has forgotten how to fly, fight, and crow (hallmarks of his younger self). He had forgotten who he was, disenchanted by the stresses of adult life away from Neverland.

Forgetting How to Fly

So many of us race to grow up. We can barely contain ourselves to reach the age to drive, leave home, turn 21, have children, etc.

We may forget to cherish the purpose of childhood—a stage in life meant to foster curiosity, imagination, and wonderment for this new world we find our selves in.

Then, as if mocked by the childhood self left behind, many will find themselves lost and burdened by the harsh truths of adulthood and —much like Robin William’s character—forget who they are. They have left the childlike spirit that at one point allowed them to be in touch with their true nature.

Similar to how Peter Pan in Hook rediscovered how to “fly, fight, and crow”. Let’s take our own trip to Neverland and explore the ways in which we may have forgotten how to fly…

1. Language

“Language is both limiting and liberating”

As adults, language becomes a necessary tool. As we label things in everyday life, we also simultaneously discount their wonderment. In Neverland, we see how language can be quite limiting.

We lose the innocent sense of awe for this weird-looking-bird-thing that somehow survives in below freezing temperatures. This creature simply becomes “penguin” and we move on with our day. Language narrows our view of the world that was once pure emotion, sensation, and discovery.

  • Neverland Lesson 1: See the world without labels.

2. Purpose

As a child explores the world they learn their unique strengths and interests. So many of us reach adulthood without properly exploring and/or integrating these attributes from childhood, leaving us directionless.

The Japanese term Ikigai is translated as “the reason for being” and sums up this concept quite well. We have a responsibility to find our own specific Ikigai, a purpose for life that elicits the excitement and passion comparable to the experiences left in Neverland.

  • Neverland Lesson 2: Find and nurture your Ikigai.

3. Mind

A child laughs, cries, plays and then simply… moves on. As adults, we like to get lost in our heads. We overcomplicate, overthink, take things too seriously, and stress over the simplest of decisions.

We are frequently left with the heavy weight of unnecessary stress and anxiety. Life is complicated enough without the agony of deciding what cereal to buy. Instead, we must find moments to be present. Truthfully, I’m not sure it’s the childhood moments themselves that were gratifying… but that we instead allowed ourselves to be completely immersed in whatever we are doing in that moment.

  • Neverland Lesson 3: Get out of your head.

4. Play

If you were lucky, childhood was filled with experimentation in sports, music, art, dance, and beyond. As adults, we often sacrifice these outlets for more hours on the job, watching TV, or staring at our phones. Our romantic relationships also suffer once our playfulness is curbed by automatic and routine interactions with our partners after the honeymoon phase.

Believe it or not we have an emotional pathway hard-wired for play…we are essentially designed to play. Activities that allow us to play bring joy to our lives. We should see our hobbies and interests not as “something I might get around to” but as a priority for a fulfilling life.

  • Neverland Lesson 4: Go have some fun

5. Creativity

If you were given a cardboard box in Neverland it wouldn’t just be a brown thing to put things in. You’d look at it and see 1,000 different possibilities. Within the offshoots of your mind you’d imagine using it as a car, fort, pirate ship, instrument, cave, the list goes on.

Divergent thinking is a non-linear, open-ended style of thinking that involves generating several different free-flowing ideas to a question. It has been seen as a tool to foster creativity. Research has shown that children tend to be much better at it than adults.

To lose our ability to think divergently is to inhibit our ability to problem solve efficiently, think outside the box, and proudly create something that didn’t exist the day before.

  • Neverland Lesson 5: Think Divergently

6. Friendship

Finally, what would Neverland be without The Lost Boys. As children, time spent with our friends stimulated a sense of adventure, imagination, and amusement. Nowadays, hanging out with friends looks more like getting a drink and talking politics… not a play-date The Lost Boys would particularly enjoy.

Last summer, a few friends visited me in Chicago. Now, months later it wasn’t the more popular “adult” activities such as going to dinner and drinks that stuck in their minds. Instead, everyone recounts the random adventures and novel experiences. When we found ourselves underneath the train tracks playing an impromptu stickball game, or when we randomly started dancing to funk music.

  • Neverland Lesson 6: Utilize friendship for adventure, spontaneity, and novelty.

 

Neverland’s Forgotten

I must also give mention to the people that never had the luxury of their own childhood Neverland. Learning how to fly and getting into mischief with the Lost Boys was last on their list (and not by choice). They may have had to assume adult roles far too early, had smothering/absent caregivers, or were subject to abuse that left them feeling stunted and fearful. They were tragically robbed of their ability to fly.

For them, returning to Neverland is like exploring a foreign land, but it’s never too late. As humans, we have an uncanny ability to endure and survive—despite the circumstances or odds. For these people, they must gently allow themselves to channel the energy once used to protect themselves into a resource for curiosity and growth.

Going back to the “real world”

As the movie ends, Robin William’s character returns home from Neverland. He is still an adult and functions as so, but this time with a sense of joy and zest for life.

The challenge isn’t to act immature or relinquish your responsibilities (Ironically often called Peter Pan Syndrome). It’s to utilize Neverland’s lessons in the small moments of life: to see something ordinary and find the wonderment, to get out of your head and enjoy one of life’s simple pleasures, or have an adventure with friends.

This week I challenge you to find your own inner child that once lived in Neverland, and actively integrate them within your present self.

Life is too short to forget how to fly.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

Mindfulness Personal Development By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

Stuck on Autopilot? Using Mindfulness to Defeat the Wandering Mind

“This is the real secret of life – to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play.”                     -Alan Watts 

                                                                                            

Our mind is a strange place. As John Milton suggested, it can either be our own personal heaven or hell. It can be our greatest resource or enemy. It’s a lively place that has plenty of tricks — one of which is to wander.

Most of us know the feeling of driving somewhere familiar and upon arrival realizing you remember nothing about your journey. We can “drive” for miles on autopilot as the Wandering Mind (WM) takes us on a separate journey to our to-do list, a difficult conversation we had earlier, or scheming what we would do if we won the lottery.

The WM has just robbed us. A little piece of life we will never get back.

Not only does the WM take us out of the moment for much of our lives, but it can also take away our happiness.

 

Wandering Away From Happiness

Killingsworth and Gilbert conducted a study that asked people to report throughout the day what they were doing and how they felt. They found that over 50% of the time the participants’ minds were wandering.

In addition, over 50% of that time the mind had wandered, it went to neutral or unpleasant topics.  Regardless of the activity, this made people significantly less happy than if they were present with what they were doing. If the mind wandered to a pleasant topic, the participants were no happier then if fully present.

The researchers explained:

“A human mind is a wandering mind, and a wandering mind is an unhappy mind. The ability to think about what is not happening is a cognitive achievement that comes at an emotional cost.”

 

Mindfulness To The Rescue

Mindfulness is kryptonite to the Wandering Mind.

Simply put, mindfulness is the act of having non-judgmental awareness of what is happening in us and around us. It allows us to be present, and divert attention back to the current activity.

It’s a skill that can be cultivated during meditation or at any moment during the day.

For example, instead of being swept away by the WM during your drive home; roll your window down and feel the warm breeze on your arm, or listen to the variety of sounds from the passing street.

Of course, being present with a task is easier when its something more novel, stimulating, or challenging that requires more focus. The real trick is when it’s something a little more mindless, such as washing dishes or taking a stroll through the park.

This is one of the reasons why achieving a state of “flow” is so desirable. While in flow we lose track of time, and are totally immersed in the activity as the WM is sidelined.

 

Defeating The Wandering Mind

I must give caution: when starting to integrate mindfulness, you will be given only a small amount of kryptonite to defeat the WM. But with each time you practice your brain will be given another small amount until after weeks, months, and years of practice the kryptonite will be so powerful the WM will have no choice but be at your mercy.

Although the WM will always be a part of your daily life, it will now be better managed through mindfulness, so that doing the dishes doesn’t become 10 minutes of mind wandering to why your partner is a lazy bum.

As we become more aware of our thoughts, feelings, and environment from moment to moment, we give ourselves the power of freedom and choice; and allow ourselves a greater sense of happiness (and who doesn’t want that?).

Slowly we can become unglued to our mind’s proclivity to be placed on autopilot, which in the past had a destination that wasn’t always in our favor.

Try catching the WM this week; be curious where your mind went. Notice the activities that bring about the WM more often than others.  Download apps like Calm and Headspace to start your education and practice of mindfulness daily.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

Personal Development Relationships Social Life By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

The Decline Of Friendship And Why We Need It More Than Ever

“Of all the means to insure happiness throughout the whole life, by far the most important is the acquisition of friends.”  – Epicurus

I’ve recently noticed a silent epidemic in our country. Despite all the ways we can connect with others, loneliness seems to be on the rise from a lack of quality relationships. I worry we have become so isolative that even in cities with millions of people, many are living without even one solid friendship.

In Western culture, we have quietly pushed down our need for human connection as happiness has slowly declined along with it. Studies have shown that in the U.S., the number of friends that people “felt they could discuss important matters with” has been steadily declining for decades.

Technology that allows us to text, email, and use social media has made it easier to stay connected… yet often superficially. We have replaced quality with quantity.

I recently heard of a sorority that wouldn’t let girls join unless they had a minimum number of followers on Instagram. A sad but common example of the culture changes that have left quality friendships as a thing of the past.

Now more than ever we should reflect on how much we need to value our support systems, and consider what they actually do for us.

A Quick Philosophy Lesson on Friendship

Many ancient philosophers mention the importance of friendship in their teachings; my personal favorite is Epicurus. Throughout his writings he maintained a stance towards egoistic hedonism (the motive behind human behavior to move towards pleasure and away from pain). However, he loved friendship so much that it was the exception, and it could override someone’s natural tendency of egoistic hedonism.

In other words, we no longer just crave our own pleasure; we also seek pleasure for our friends. They are no longer separate, but a part of our selves.

Epicurus also started a school on the countryside of Athens called “the Garden” — a commune in which he lived and spent time with close friends developing his philosophy.

I’m sure he wouldn’t be pleased to see the state of friendship in our modern day culture.

Why We Need Friends

When considering the benefits of friendship, we need to keep in mind that it’s possible to have friends but still feel lonely. It is not until we have true social attachment and connection that the real benefits of friendship are realized.

  • Research has confirmed friendship is one of the best predictors of longevity and happiness throughout the lifespan.
  • People who feel supported by others are able to tolerate stressful experiences with greater ease and their level of optimism increases.
  • Our mood suffers when we focus too much on the self, friendship offers a buffer from self-absorption that often results in self-critical reflection. Suddenly, the incessant focus on our self dissolves… causing a moment of freedom from our own “problems.”
  • Whether you like it or not, your friends influence you for better or worse. Friends can easily impact your attitudes, moods, and behaviors. Be careful whom you choose to be around.
  • Quality friendships give us an outlet to have more substantial conversations; this allows for much more cathartic communication than the everyday small talk.
  • Friends can offer honest feedback when others might not feel as comfortable to let us know we need to fix our haircut. Along with this they should also elicit a sense of safety, trusting they have our best interests at heart.

The Most Valuable Friendship We Will Choose

The truth is that in today’s culture we are most likely to find our greatest source of friendship in a romantic relationship. This has become more prevalent as the family unit has become more removed from the community culture.

Research has shown that someone who is married with no friends is happier than an unmarried person with close friends. Married people also report that friendship in a marriage is more than five times as important as physical intimacy.

This brings up two important points:

  1. When picking a partner we need to gauge our level of friendship with that person. This includes having mutual respect and enjoying spending time with them.
  2. When we do find the person we wish to marry (if that is your goal), then we have to be careful they don’t become our only source of friendship. We put more demands on our spouse than at any other time in history. This can lead to an over dependence while we often repress our need for a variety of human connections.

Final Friendship Thoughts

Quality relationships need to remain a constant throughout the lifespan. Friendship is not only needed on the playground at recess, but also during bingo at the nursing home.

Again, the people we spend most our time with significantly influence our life. Surrounding ourselves with kind and supportive people is a way to ensure that influence is positive.

Unfortunately, we don’t get to choose our family. We do however get to choose our friends and these people can be the loving, supportive, caring people you may not have had in childhood. Friendship then becomes a tool for healing the dysfunctional past.

I often meet people that struggle with meeting friends and developing new meaningful relationships. They may be new to a city, have grown apart from friends over time, or other circumstances have left them alone.

If this is the case then I have put together some tips from the world of psychology to give you a leg up.

12 Hacks to Spark a New Relationship (Friendship, Dating, or Otherwise)

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

Motivation Personal Development By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

Feeling Trapped? How A Lack of Freedom Could Be Affecting Your Health

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Image by Hayley Rippy

“Freedom is the oxygen of the soul”

                                -Moshe Dayan

Dr. Robert Sapolsky is an award winning researcher, neuroendrocrinologist, and even a certified “genius” (according to the MacArthur Fellowship). He famously studied a troop of baboons and their hierarchal social structure. Surprisingly, he found that the subordinate males in the troop had higher levels of stress, lowered immune function, and a higher risk of illnesses such as heart disease than the dominant and suppressive alpha males.

To reapply this study in a modern day setting, researchers studied hierarchal structure within an organization – often referred to as “the corporate ladder.” The study showed similar results: lower ranking employees in the company displayed negative physical and mental conditions. Just like the outranked baboons!

One interpretation of this phenomenon is that the lower ranking baboons and employees experience a decrease in freedom. As for the employees, they may answer to a boss, punch a clock, and are constantly micromanaged.

This led me to consider what other ways we may feel restrained. Whether it is in the workplace, relationships, or even within our own minds. These constrictions become more commonplace then we even realize, causing us to be subjected to the adverse mental and physical symptoms of our suppressed baboons cousins.

Freedom is an essential need

The concept of freedom is nothing new. However, it doesn’t just reside in the declaration of independence or the emancipation proclamation. Nor is it merely an artificial idea derived from a philosophy lesson. The motivation for freedom should instead be seen as a primal need, something tattooed into our psyche and as visceral as hunger, thirst, or belonging.

Consider a tiger that’s been placed in a cage. It will react with aggression and rage in order to free itself.  The feeling of being restrained, trapped, or stopped is uncomfortable for a reason – it threatens our livelihood and ability to move freely throughout the world.

As time goes by, the tiger has an uncanny ability to adapt. It may become exhausted, discouraged, and lose hope until it lies down in defeat. This can easily happen to us if we feel restrained by our own situation or life. We adapt and become numb over time, only to forget ever being placed in the cage.

The Imprisoned Mind

We can then apply this theory to the feeling of being trapped by our own thoughts, emotions, or behavior. Take for instance someone struggling with obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The disorder can become exacerbated by the added frustration one may feel from the uncontrollable compulsions, intrusive thoughts, and incessant anxiety.  Someone may feel anger or rage for being restrained by the condition, then over time become complacent, discouraged, and disillusioned.  They have become the defeated tiger in the cage…

Setting Ourselves Free

Thankfully we are not as powerless as the tiger in the cage. We have a brain that allows us the advantage to gain awareness of our restraints and find a way to free ourselves (even if that is simply choosing a different perspective).

We can choose not to panic, and allow ourselves to focus on what we can control. All cases are different, but here are some things to remember in your quests for freedom.

  • We can choose to become more aware of the things that restrain us, by listening to our mind and body. Perhaps you can finally feel the anger and rage you have been suppressing. The ability to simply identify what we are going through will give us the insight needed for change.
  • We can choose not to dwell on the rules, restraints, or obligations of our daily lives and instead choose to become empowered to change our perceptions, reactions, or situation.
  • We can choose to be proactive; whether it be reaching out for help, leaving an unhealthy relationship, or asking your boss for your own project at work. How often do we let inaction keep us trapped?
  • We can choose to widen our view. Sometimes we get so consumed by our immediate situation we rarely step back to see ways to escape. Imagine a mouse in a maze that now has a bird’s eye view to freedom.
  • We can choose to set boundaries. Perhaps we are trapped in old relationship patterns that leave us drained and burnt out. Setting appropriate boundaries can free us from years of emotional imprisonment.
  • We can choose to be patient. I am reminded of the prisoner that slowly chips away at the concrete wall with a dull knife, persevering to free himself.
  • We can choose to simply take responsibility for our own freedoms.

Take the time to consider your own prisons. How can you create a greater sense of freedom?

It may take patience, perseverance, and hard work but just ask the tiger that’s finally released from the cage. It’s worth it.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

Personal Development Social Life By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

The Skills for Success That Are Missing From Our Education

“The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee. And I will pay more for that ability, than any other under the sun.” -John D. Rockefeller

 During the early 1900s, Dale Carnegie was becoming a well-known educator and lecturer. He first conducted educational courses in public speaking, but soon realized his students needed much more; they required a comprehensive lesson in basic interpersonal skills.

He set out to find there was a stark difference between the skills we traditionally teach students in preparation for a successful career, and the skills research was confirming to be much more reliable predictors of personal and professional success.

Dale would eventually become an expert on the topic. Eventually helping others reach new levels of success by teaching his newfound understanding of effective interpersonal skills. In 1936, he published How to Win Friends and Influence People. It has since become one of the best selling books of all time.

We are now 80 years removed from Carnegie’s publication with little to no progress. There continues to be a lack of appreciation for a set of skills that are now known as soft skills. They are the attitudes, behaviors, and personality traits that follow us into our careers, first dates, or grocery check out line. Listed below are commonly referenced soft skills:

  • Emotional intelligence
  • Interpersonal communicative skills
  • Creativity and self-confidence
  • Critical thinking
  • Listening skills
  • Reliability
  • Discipline
  • The ability to cope with uncertainty
  • The ability to work under pressure
  • Time management skills
  • Adaptability

They can be vague, intangible, and subtle, further adding to their lack of recognition. However, their importance is undeniable. When considering the professional realm, research conducted during the days of Daniel Carnegie has been confirmed by recent studies. Soft skills end up being much more desirable for employers, and are a better predictor of long-term job success with some studies showing up to 75%-85% more importance than hard skills (such as technical knowledge).

An employer would much rather hire someone that can communicate effectively, displays enthusiasm and leadership, and can build positive relationships with potential clients and coworkers. This is especially relevant in today’s competitive job market where there are plenty of applicants with the same set of hard skills.

Soft skills will not only boost your employability, but will positively impact your personal life. I cannot think of anything more relevant than in the arena of romance. Whether it comes to a first date or interacting with a spouse of 40 years, our soft skills can be the difference in a thriving relationship or coming home to divorce papers.

Couples with qualities such as conscientiousness, emotional intelligence, and the ability to successfully communicate their needs will be well equipped to meet the inevitable challenges of a relationship. Even the use of something as simple as ‘I’ statements could defuse the nightly argument about the paper towel holder.

The good news is we can work on our soft skills at any age. Since our education may not address these skills in the classroom, we must intentionally work on them in the “real world”. Self-reflection, or asking a trusted friend or colleague could assist us in identifying the skills that may need the most attention.

We can then implement strategies for working on the specific skill. Perhaps someone would like to work on their active listening. A simple strategy would be to pick a time to eliminate all distractions, focus only on what’s being communicated, and offer a few hints to the speaker that you’ve heard what was said. The trick is to put these skills in action; learning about them will only do so much.

Although soft skills have been recently getting more attention, our schooling doesn’t reflect this shift. The typical college student will learn the fundamental hard skills needed for their profession, but with a lack of formal training on the skills that will probably determine if they sink or swim after graduation. Even when some of these skills could be developed with classmates, isolating online courses are becoming more common, albeit at what expense?

John Dewey once said, “Education is preparation for life,” but it may be time to reflect on what we value in education, and give soft skills the respect they deserve.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

Personal Development Teenage By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

The Essential Step to Overcoming Any Identity Crisis

I’ve always remembered the day my sociology professor introduced the concept of the psychosocial moratorium. Her definition sounded something like, “It’s a time during adolescence where someone should go climb a mountain, smoke a doobie, and think about who they are.” 

Of course, to a 20-year-old college student it may of just been another excuse to smoke a doobie on a mountain,  but I was intrigued by the theory. I could already see that many of my peers had difficulty formulating an identity, general life direction, core values, career choice, etc.

Since then, I’ve had my own successful psychosocial moratoriums and have explored the concept further.

At the end of adolescence, the hope is that a young adult will have a firm understanding of their identity. This identity will allow them to better navigate the upcoming adult years. It will impact their decisions when it comes to college, vocation, relationships, etc.

To ensure this process is completed, developmental psychologists created the concept of the psychosocial moratorium. Usually this is done by taking a break from all other responsibilities to solely focus on self-exploration. It’s the time in life that an adolescent (or anyone in an identity crisis) pauses and reflects to form a deeper emotional understanding of who they are and where they are going.

Some people would argue this could only cater to the privileged. They would be more likely to afford a trip across the country, or take considerable time off from pursuing college or the workforce. While being able to halt all responsibilities and travel around the world may be ideal, not everyone has that opportunity. The beauty of the moratorium is that it can take any form, even if its allowing time in the beginning of the day for intentional self reflection.

When developmental psychologists created this concept, they considered adolescence to end somewhere in the early 20s. In our current culture, I think most would agree, adolescence has been extended into the mid-to-late 20s range.

Furthermore, it seems to be even more common (for a variety of reasons) for people to drastically reinvent themselves throughout the lifespan, or at the very least feel empowered to change life direction. It’s my assertion that we no longer consider the psychosocial moratorium be used for the 18 year old, but as a tool for all ages and stages of life.

It’s an active process

Sorry, (and my professor would agree) it isn’t enough to sit on a mountain with a doobie. This must be an active process. Whether it’s in the comfort of your home or at the top of the Grand Canyon, it’s important to set aside time to reflect on your self-concept and direction. Here are some questions to consider during the process:

  • What are my core values, interests, and beliefs?
  • What are my limiting beliefs about myself, the world, and the future?
  • What do I love?
  • What do I want?
  • What are the messages that have been given to me by family, friends, and society?
  • What messaging from the past is helpful and unhelpful to my direction?
  • What roles have I historically been drawn to?
  • Who do I envy? Who do I admire?
  • What excites me?
  • Which patterns in my life need to stop? Which need to continue?
  • What am I good at?
  • Where am I playing the victim in my life?
  • Who do I want to be?
  • How would I want people to talk about me at my funeral?
  • What are my priorities? (family, work, romance, friendship, adventure)
  • How do others perceive me?
  • What’s my ideal day look like?
  • What are the things from my past that still bring up heightened emotion? Do these need to be processed?
  • What am I still carrying around?
  • Who do I need to forgive? Who’s holding me back?
  • What are the current state of my relationships?
  • What are my dreams for the future?
  • Do I even currently see a future?
  • What are my strengths/weaknesses?
  • Write down everything that comes to mind.
  • Seek feedback from trusted friends or family members.
  • Accept that it can be a confusing and difficult process that takes patience as your identity develops and evolves.

Be responsible in who you choose to become 

We must take ownership and responsibility for our identity and direction. It’s easy for someone to fall into a negative mindset and say to themselves, “I’m a sad, ugly, lazy person that no one will ever love.” The values, philosophies, and labels we believe about ourselves sends a blueprint to our subconscious of how to interact with ourselves and the world. As you form your identity, imagine your brain whispering back, “your wish is my command.”

A quick word to the parents 

Remember this is the time in life where an adolescent develops their identity. This is not a time to control or persuade their choices. Adolescents already have a difficult enough time during this stage of development; they don’t need a parent adding to the confusion.

Let this be a time for your own reflection, so that your insecurities and failures don’t project onto them. They are their own person, and if there is anytime to realize this it is during this stage of their life.

Parents would be wise to utilize compassion, acceptance, and patience. They can even encourage an adventurous moratorium. The more a parent is able to be supportive and respectful of the process, the more likely an adolescent will trust the parent to share in the journey with them.

An adolescent is still developing cognitively and emotionally, resulting in some funky thinking and behavior. Accepting that this is a natural process will help a parent loosen their grip. Of course always use your best judgment if the health and safety of your child is in question.

It’s a never ending process

Even though a psychosocial moratorium may only last so long, it doesn’t mean the process is over. We are constantly evolving, making it even more critical to get in the habit of regularly taking time for self reflection.

If we become more vigilant with questioning our identity throughout the lifespan, we become less likely to allow old unhelpful concepts of who we are define, and shape our lives.

No matter your age, I encourage you to have your own moratorium. You may be surprised what you find.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

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Motivation Personal Development By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

Need Motivation? Look No Further Than Your Death Bed

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Image by Lexii Jaye @lexjaye

We’ve all heard stories of people confessing regrets from their deathbed. They include everything from working less, valuing relationships, and facing fears. We probably have the sudden urge to act on our current regrets, then letting the feeling fade as we continue to scroll through our Facebook feed.

There are also countless stories of people having near death experiences or given a few months to live only to then develop a newfound outlook on life.

It happens when we are threatened by other losses. I’m sure we are all familiar with the moment someone is faced with an imminent break-up, health issue, or death of a loved one. We race to make up for lost time, change our lifestyle, or admit things we have neglected to say for years.

We live each day as if we are immortal, allowing ourselves to succumb to procrastination, fear, and complacency. How often do we set out on a new endeavor only to lose steam, or put off our dreams until we realize it’s too late?

Yes – considering our mortality can be depressing or even debilitating. However, we often fail to realize its power as an effective motivational tool.

We may not be diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, but there is nothing stopping us from acting as if we had little time left. It’s simple. Allow your imagination to wander to that day you are on your deathbed. What would you say to your current self? What relationships would you value? What fears would you face? What chances would you take? Who’s opinion would matter most?

There’s an immediate boost in willpower. We may find the needed motivation to construct a life we have naively been putting off for years.

It can increase our level of gratitude and appreciation of the present moment. Suddenly, it isn’t such a drag to pick up our kids from school, hang out with grandma, or change a flat tire.

This is not meant to be an excuse to be destructive, giving us permission to eat every cupcake in sight. It’s meant to responsibly challenge our current values, behaviors, and course of life.

As humans we have been given the existential anxiety of realizing our own mortality. So we can either wallow in this reality or embrace it to our benefit, the choice is yours.

I suggest this tool isn’t just used every birthday or New Years Eve. Instead this can be used more regularly, perhaps even daily. The trick is finding your own personal ways to slow down and remind yourself. It could be the sight of your children, the drive to work or set a reminder on your phone.

However you decide to integrate it, my wish is that if you do end up interviewed on your deathbed, you will confidently say, “I have no regrets.”

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.