Category: <span>Social Life</span>

Communication Relationships Social Life By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

12 Hacks to Spark a New Relationship (Friendship, Dating, or Otherwise)

If you’ve read my previous post about friendship, I mentioned how I’ve noticed people becoming discouraged when trying to find new friendships/relationships. 

They are unaware of where to even start. Some are in a new city, new job, or other circumstances have left them with a shortage of quality relationships. People of all ages struggle with this, so no matter your stage in life you are not alone.

 Historically speaking, we never really had to go out and find people to connect with. They were already there….in our small tribe or community and were more or less chosen for us. Now we are left with too many options.

Listed below are some strategies, backed by research, to keep in mind when generating a new relationship in any context.

*Some can be found in the timeless book How to Win Friends and Influence People I cited in my post about soft skills.

  1. Know what you’re looking for.

Especially in dating it’s important to have a general idea of what you’re looking for. The criteria of course should not be too specific. Trying to find someone that drives a Lamborghini and has an indoor bowling alley might be ideal, but not all that likely. Instead, qualities such as trustworthiness and having similar beliefs are a better way to start. Consider who you’ve gotten along with in the past, or not gotten along with to help narrow down what’s most important.

  1. Don’t be quick to judge.

If you’ve ever seen a reality show where random people are put into a house it’s always interesting to hear people’s critical first impressions, and by the end of the show the same person they called “a pretentious bitch” is now their best friend.

Give it time and don’t always believe your first impressions. Our minds have been programmed to give these snap judgments, but allow them to develop and evolve over time. Of course this is not always the case, but being cognizant of our predisposition to do this can help us be patient.

  1. Generate deeper discussions and LISTEN.

Anyone can have a conversation about the weather. Not everyone can ask questions that stimulate a more enriching exchange. Cultivating this type of conversation is more akin to what you would find in a friendship and causes their subconscious to conclude they must feel safe with you. Make sure to listen, if you don’t people will pick up on it and the connection with fail.

However, without your input they could leave feeling too vulnerable, so make sure to offer at least a little more information about yourself then you normally would to a stranger.

Some people will take the lead and talk anxiously without pause (you know these people), so know when to assert yourself back into the conversation. 

  1. Be interested in their interests

In general, people love to talk about themselves. One of the easiest ways to connect with someone is get him or her to speak about what’s important to them. If someone mentions they own a cupcake business they are probably passionate about baking. Ask questions about cupcakes and watch them light up.

  1. Find someone with similarities

We tend like people who are similar to us. Think back to high school or college and the pods of friends you would see together. In adulthood it may not be to that extreme but it definitely still applies. Similarities can provide validation to our beliefs, interests, and characteristics. We also tend to surround ourselves with people that mirror our physical attractiveness.

  1. See them often

This goes along with my “strangers-in-a-house” reality show example. The Propinquity Effect says the more we see someone the more prone we are to like him or her. When finding new relationships try signing up for something that allows you to see the same people more often. Even better, pick something that aligns with your interests to ensure similarities and kill two birds with one stone (softball, magic cards, leather conventions, mom groups). This is one of the reasons people often find love and friendships in the workplace.

  1. Act like you like them.

This one is simple. We like people who like us. A great example is when dogs are SO excited to see you after a long day away. If you want to be friends with someone, be friendly and positive when you see them.

  1. Ask them for a favor.

When we do someone a favor we tend to like them more. This is because it would create too much cognitive dissonance in our minds to do something for someone we didn’t like. Thus, we justify our behavior by assuming “I must like this person if I did them a favor.” Again, use your best judgment with this one; it can be something as small as getting them to pass you a pen.

  1. Be competent… but not too competent.

We generally like to surround ourselves with competent people. However, too much competence or a constant managing of outward perfection can have the opposite effect. When people make mistakes they are found to be more likeable. It’s uncomfortable to be around someone that puts on an act of perfection all the time; instead someone that projects an imperfect human side is safe.

Just make sure these human moments are in less important areas. Your boss would rather see your humanness in dropping a cup of coffee instead of being incapable of coming to work on time.

  1. Use conditioning.

Unless you’re Will Ferrell in Wedding Crashers, you are less likely to connect with someone at a funeral than at a concert or party. We like people who are nearby when we feel good. This is also why some suggest going to an amusement park on a first date. The person will begin to associate feelings of excitement, joy, and thrill with being in your presence.

  1. Smile and use their name.

If all else fails, just smile and remember their name. A simple smile sends a positive message about you and the other person that then becomes an emotional reward for being in your presence. Make an effort to remember someone’s name. Using their name is a small but powerful compliment and displays respect.

  1. Curb your fear of rejection.

Remember that many people are lonely these days; they could be starving for friendship and you may not even know it. Move the fear aside the best you can and realize that if it doesn’t work out it isn’t a rejection, but rather simply a friendship that wasn’t meant to be. Humans have fragile egos and these feared “rejections” often keep people from fulfilling connections—even at their detriment.

Whether you want to ask out a potential friend for coffee or a potential date for dinner… what is the most you have to lose? Oftentimes, there is much more to gain.

Start small and have faith in the process.

As you’ve noticed it takes some initiative to make new connections. If this is outside your comfort zone then it may be awkward or even draining to implementing these at first, but with practice will come more naturally. I promise.

Along with being proactive, its important to maintain an attitude of faith that you will find quality relationships. Going into the experience with a pessimistic attitude will only stunt the process.

Try implementing one friendship initiative within the next week. Start small. Ask someone that you don’t normally talk to how his or her day is going and listen intently. Ask a new acquaintance questions about their interests. New relationships are always just around the corner.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

Personal Development Relationships Social Life By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

The Decline Of Friendship And Why We Need It More Than Ever

“Of all the means to insure happiness throughout the whole life, by far the most important is the acquisition of friends.”  – Epicurus

I’ve recently noticed a silent epidemic in our country. Despite all the ways we can connect with others, loneliness seems to be on the rise from a lack of quality relationships. I worry we have become so isolative that even in cities with millions of people, many are living without even one solid friendship.

In Western culture, we have quietly pushed down our need for human connection as happiness has slowly declined along with it. Studies have shown that in the U.S., the number of friends that people “felt they could discuss important matters with” has been steadily declining for decades.

Technology that allows us to text, email, and use social media has made it easier to stay connected… yet often superficially. We have replaced quality with quantity.

I recently heard of a sorority that wouldn’t let girls join unless they had a minimum number of followers on Instagram. A sad but common example of the culture changes that have left quality friendships as a thing of the past.

Now more than ever we should reflect on how much we need to value our support systems, and consider what they actually do for us.

A Quick Philosophy Lesson on Friendship

Many ancient philosophers mention the importance of friendship in their teachings; my personal favorite is Epicurus. Throughout his writings he maintained a stance towards egoistic hedonism (the motive behind human behavior to move towards pleasure and away from pain). However, he loved friendship so much that it was the exception, and it could override someone’s natural tendency of egoistic hedonism.

In other words, we no longer just crave our own pleasure; we also seek pleasure for our friends. They are no longer separate, but a part of our selves.

Epicurus also started a school on the countryside of Athens called “the Garden” — a commune in which he lived and spent time with close friends developing his philosophy.

I’m sure he wouldn’t be pleased to see the state of friendship in our modern day culture.

Why We Need Friends

When considering the benefits of friendship, we need to keep in mind that it’s possible to have friends but still feel lonely. It is not until we have true social attachment and connection that the real benefits of friendship are realized.

  • Research has confirmed friendship is one of the best predictors of longevity and happiness throughout the lifespan.
  • People who feel supported by others are able to tolerate stressful experiences with greater ease and their level of optimism increases.
  • Our mood suffers when we focus too much on the self, friendship offers a buffer from self-absorption that often results in self-critical reflection. Suddenly, the incessant focus on our self dissolves… causing a moment of freedom from our own “problems.”
  • Whether you like it or not, your friends influence you for better or worse. Friends can easily impact your attitudes, moods, and behaviors. Be careful whom you choose to be around.
  • Quality friendships give us an outlet to have more substantial conversations; this allows for much more cathartic communication than the everyday small talk.
  • Friends can offer honest feedback when others might not feel as comfortable to let us know we need to fix our haircut. Along with this they should also elicit a sense of safety, trusting they have our best interests at heart.

The Most Valuable Friendship We Will Choose

The truth is that in today’s culture we are most likely to find our greatest source of friendship in a romantic relationship. This has become more prevalent as the family unit has become more removed from the community culture.

Research has shown that someone who is married with no friends is happier than an unmarried person with close friends. Married people also report that friendship in a marriage is more than five times as important as physical intimacy.

This brings up two important points:

  1. When picking a partner we need to gauge our level of friendship with that person. This includes having mutual respect and enjoying spending time with them.
  2. When we do find the person we wish to marry (if that is your goal), then we have to be careful they don’t become our only source of friendship. We put more demands on our spouse than at any other time in history. This can lead to an over dependence while we often repress our need for a variety of human connections.

Final Friendship Thoughts

Quality relationships need to remain a constant throughout the lifespan. Friendship is not only needed on the playground at recess, but also during bingo at the nursing home.

Again, the people we spend most our time with significantly influence our life. Surrounding ourselves with kind and supportive people is a way to ensure that influence is positive.

Unfortunately, we don’t get to choose our family. We do however get to choose our friends and these people can be the loving, supportive, caring people you may not have had in childhood. Friendship then becomes a tool for healing the dysfunctional past.

I often meet people that struggle with meeting friends and developing new meaningful relationships. They may be new to a city, have grown apart from friends over time, or other circumstances have left them alone.

If this is the case then I have put together some tips from the world of psychology to give you a leg up.

12 Hacks to Spark a New Relationship (Friendship, Dating, or Otherwise)

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

Personal Development Social Life By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

The Skills for Success That Are Missing From Our Education

“The ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee. And I will pay more for that ability, than any other under the sun.” -John D. Rockefeller

 During the early 1900s, Dale Carnegie was becoming a well-known educator and lecturer. He first conducted educational courses in public speaking, but soon realized his students needed much more; they required a comprehensive lesson in basic interpersonal skills.

He set out to find there was a stark difference between the skills we traditionally teach students in preparation for a successful career, and the skills research was confirming to be much more reliable predictors of personal and professional success.

Dale would eventually become an expert on the topic. Eventually helping others reach new levels of success by teaching his newfound understanding of effective interpersonal skills. In 1936, he published How to Win Friends and Influence People. It has since become one of the best selling books of all time.

We are now 80 years removed from Carnegie’s publication with little to no progress. There continues to be a lack of appreciation for a set of skills that are now known as soft skills. They are the attitudes, behaviors, and personality traits that follow us into our careers, first dates, or grocery check out line. Listed below are commonly referenced soft skills:

  • Emotional intelligence
  • Interpersonal communicative skills
  • Creativity and self-confidence
  • Critical thinking
  • Listening skills
  • Reliability
  • Discipline
  • The ability to cope with uncertainty
  • The ability to work under pressure
  • Time management skills
  • Adaptability

They can be vague, intangible, and subtle, further adding to their lack of recognition. However, their importance is undeniable. When considering the professional realm, research conducted during the days of Daniel Carnegie has been confirmed by recent studies. Soft skills end up being much more desirable for employers, and are a better predictor of long-term job success with some studies showing up to 75%-85% more importance than hard skills (such as technical knowledge).

An employer would much rather hire someone that can communicate effectively, displays enthusiasm and leadership, and can build positive relationships with potential clients and coworkers. This is especially relevant in today’s competitive job market where there are plenty of applicants with the same set of hard skills.

Soft skills will not only boost your employability, but will positively impact your personal life. I cannot think of anything more relevant than in the arena of romance. Whether it comes to a first date or interacting with a spouse of 40 years, our soft skills can be the difference in a thriving relationship or coming home to divorce papers.

Couples with qualities such as conscientiousness, emotional intelligence, and the ability to successfully communicate their needs will be well equipped to meet the inevitable challenges of a relationship. Even the use of something as simple as ‘I’ statements could defuse the nightly argument about the paper towel holder.

The good news is we can work on our soft skills at any age. Since our education may not address these skills in the classroom, we must intentionally work on them in the “real world”. Self-reflection, or asking a trusted friend or colleague could assist us in identifying the skills that may need the most attention.

We can then implement strategies for working on the specific skill. Perhaps someone would like to work on their active listening. A simple strategy would be to pick a time to eliminate all distractions, focus only on what’s being communicated, and offer a few hints to the speaker that you’ve heard what was said. The trick is to put these skills in action; learning about them will only do so much.

Although soft skills have been recently getting more attention, our schooling doesn’t reflect this shift. The typical college student will learn the fundamental hard skills needed for their profession, but with a lack of formal training on the skills that will probably determine if they sink or swim after graduation. Even when some of these skills could be developed with classmates, isolating online courses are becoming more common, albeit at what expense?

John Dewey once said, “Education is preparation for life,” but it may be time to reflect on what we value in education, and give soft skills the respect they deserve.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.