“You Are Not Your Thoughts”: A Beginners Guide to the Thoughts in Your Head
“The stream of thoughts surges through the mind of an ordinary person, who will have no knowledge whatsoever about who is thinking, where the thought comes from, and where the thought disappears. The person will be totally and mindlessly carried away by one thought after another!” -Tulku Urgen
As a young student of psychology, I would hear people say, “you are not your thoughts.”
Whoever said this never elaborated and I was left with many questions…
“What do you mean I’m not my thoughts?”
“What are thoughts?”
“Why has no one taught me what thoughts are?”
“Who the heck have I been listening all these years?!”
Depending on your history with thoughts, they can be quite annoying, depressing, obsessive, insecure, you name it. Although, at some point, everyone has some variation of an uncomfortable thought.
So to walk around believing that I was not those thoughts sounded like fantastic news.
Also, we have 1,000s of thoughts a day. A ubiquitous part of our everyday life. So the thing that happens 1,000s of times a day inside our heads was never explained to me and yet it had an enormous impact on my daily reality? That’s *%(#@!
Finally, I was able to grasp the idea that I wasn’t my thoughts and have since built a much healthier relationship with them.
So here’s a brief primer to thoughts: what they are, who it is that thinks them, and what to do with them.
First, what are thoughts?
“The brain secretes thought as the liver secretes bile.” – Pierre Cabanis
Thoughts are a natural occurrence – a product of being human. But even with all the progress in the world of psychology and neuroscience a true understanding of our mental processes remains somewhat of a mystery.
What we do know, is that thoughts are a small part of a larger scope of mental activity.
Mental activity includes: thinking, emotion, planning, perception, memory, etc.
One of the byproducts of this mental activity is “thought” in the form of images, language, memories, ideas, dreams, and perspective.
People sometimes assume that thoughts are completely conscious, but most are automatic, and out of our conscious awareness. It’s more likely that we become conscious of thoughts from the incessant bubbling of the unconscious mind.
Don’t believe me? If you were really consciously thinking all the time then you could willingly stop them from happening. Try it out…. you can’t.
The brain/body reacts to internal or external cues constantly. Shooting into the unconscious; thoughts, feelings, and impulses at a speed of 50-100 milliseconds. Your conscious brain can pick up on these events at 500- 1500 milliseconds after the fact.
Your unconscious holds pleasant and unpleasant thoughts – and it doesn’t really care what it holds, actually – it just wants what’s best for you. Kind of like a 6thsense…
The sixth sense they forgot to mention
“The purpose of thinking is to let the ideas die instead of us dying” -Alfred North Whitehead
Evolutionary psychologists regard the ability to think as an adaption. Just like our sense of sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing have been advantageous to our survival – so has thought.
Buddha had a similar idea, regarding the mind as an equal contributor to our reality as the other five senses. Our thoughts become another way to filter and interpret the world.
Thinking about your next meal might be seen as a similar process to seeing the buffalo tracks, or smelling the buffalo herd’s remains.
As the quote from Alfred North Whitehead suggests, the function of thinking can be seen as an exercise in survival. To play out situations in our minds, allows us to guess the outcome, giving us a better chance at survival.
Dan Siegel takes the opinion of the Buddha one step further. Stating the sixth sense as the body, the seventh as mental activities (such as thoughts, feelings, and memories), and our eighth as the relational sense or our interconnectedness with others.
Nonetheless, this perspective allows for a depersonalization of our thoughts. Our thoughts are just interpretations, suggestions, and opinions on how to get through this thing called life.
Who’s thinking these thoughts?
“Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them.” - Eckhart Tolle
When we are not mindfully aware (or in consciousness) of our internal world we are left prone to identify with thoughts and feelings as who we are.
Instead of simply “having a thought/feeling”, many get swept away by its influence. As we engage with it, we forget to honor its transitory nature, a temporary existence. Like clouds moving in the sky.
So the general consensus becomes that we are the observer of our thoughts.
We are the consciousness, the spirit, behind the thoughts. We are the watcher: laying on the grass watching the clouds float on by.
***This can be too “spiritual” for some people, so whatever word or concept (spirit, consciousness, the observer, etc) feels comfortable is the one you should go with when starting a relationship with your thoughts.
Even just partially understanding this approach to thoughts can be immensely useful. Again – it depersonalizes our thoughts, especially when they are unpleasant, leaving us more likely to be in the present moment than engaging in unconscious chatter.
That’s it? That’s really who I am?
As I continued to explore this notion of “you are not your thoughts”, I found some dead ends to the logic that all our thoughts and feelings are just fleeting mental stimuli.
At the very least I can see how it could cause distress in believing that none of the mental chatter, memories, ideas, are associated with who we are. To think that all we are is consciousness, an observer, a soul, or any representation of the who behind the scenes can induce a small existential crisis.
I would be remiss if I didn’t address this side of the concept, and for that I give this perspective…
Our state of mind and body has continuing qualities. The thoughts and feelings that have a repeated presence in our lives can be imagined as a part of our “self”. Let’s take a moment to define what the “self” really is…
“The self – a term signifying an internal sense of identity, sometimes including one’s body, personality, or membership in relationships and/or groups. There are many “selves” of a healthy individual. The self is often seen as a singular noun, where is it may be better considered as a “plural verb”. Includes functions of the self, such as somatic, linguistic, emotional, reflective, and social self.” -Dan Siegel
What we identify as our “selves”, such as extrovert, liberal, teacher, depressed, or nurturing are all strengthened pathways of our brain that create a repetitiveness, a generalized state of mind. These identifications come with their own set of implicit thoughts and feelings.
- As the watcher of the clouds in sky, we notice dark rain clouds becoming more repetitive. (Depression Self)
- We may notice passing creative thoughts about our upcoming presentation. (Creative Self)
- A doctor will have thoughts about how to cure their patient. (Doctor Self)
Our identities change throughout life, once a child now an adult, once a student now a teacher, etc. These identities allow us the ability to call upon the dominant pathways associated with the identity in order to play the roles we engage in throughout the day.
So the distinction becomes, your selves (identity) exists in flux, as an ever-evolving process that contains subsequent patterns of thinking.
The who (observer, soul, consciousness) is an ever-present and never-changing deeper authenticity from birth to death (and beyond if you believe so).
Some would consider this “self” as the “ego”. The theory of ego would just further caution people not to identify with a past/future self, represented in the mind, but instead of an identification with the present moment, conscious awareness.
“Character” Thoughts
One last interpretation is that our deeper true/authentic self exists with its own eternal disposition. (possibly a part of the observer)
This holds the most core principles of our being. These principles could be seen as core values, interests, motivations, and truths. Part of our general character.
Our character can be considered as giving us “thoughts.” The skill becomes discerning which thoughts are coming from the varied parts of your being. (It can be confusing, I know)
What could I do with these thoughts?
1. Don’t always take them seriously
Most of our problems with thoughts come from taking them too seriously. When we see our thoughts as a truth, we give them more attention than necessary. When we give them more notice, they become louder and more engrained into the psyche.
This of course becomes a problem when they are uncomfortable, negative, anxiety-filled, etc. We don’t complain about intrusive thoughts when they give us an ingenious idea to solve a problem. We usually welcome those, and judge them as useful.
2. Become more mindful
Yes, more reason to meditate. Integrating more mindfulness (through meditation or other mindful practices) into our day provides the ability to access the observer. We access the consciousness of who we are.
It also gives you a powerful skill to observe the types of thoughts that inhabit and dance around your mind. This turns off the autopilot of unconscious thinking (often stemming from things out of your control) and gives you pause to consciously construct the types of thoughts you’d rather have guiding you throughout life.
3. Develop the wisdom to know what thoughts are telling you
For the most part, intrusive thoughts are not coming from some deeper message. They can in fact just be nonsense interpretations, and distorted opinions. Especially under intense emotion. “Never believe your thoughts when you’re angry.”
However, there is a wisdom to understanding the nuance of when thoughts are nudging us about something, or are just random and nonsensical. For instance, our daydreaming/nightdreaming could be calling us to act on some unsolved problem (usually relationship oriented). Your unconscious mind is trying to help you feel more secure, in less pain.
Also, thoughts can be a great way to enter into other unconscious processes. For instance, perhaps you have a friend that is strongly opinionated, and respectfully assertive with their views. Maybe this gives you thoughts of, “Oh man, I hate that about him”. This thought can be seen as a clue, to a part of you that wishes you were more like your friend. Thoughts can be useful in this manner, a way to better understand your personal areas of growth.
I know this is adding more confusion, but coupling these perspectives with experience can help you move to a new, healthier relationship with your mind.
4. Create them when needed
It is clear we need thoughts, we need them for our survival and the pursuit of happiness. Knowing how to deal with intrusive, weird, and disturbing thoughts is one thing, but not the whole story.
There are times we need to creatively look at our future, self reflect on past mistakes, or mentally rehearse an upcoming presentation. These thoughts we can consider to be more conscious in nature, and provide a positive utility to our lives.
5. Don’t Think – Do
When you find yourself struggling with thoughts, get into the present moment and DO something. Being engaged with an activity, can put attention on the moment and not your internal chatter.
6. Search for the emotion
“Most of us think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel, but we are actually feeling creatures that think”– Jill Taylor
Remember, the brain and body are connected. The emotions you experience have significant impact on thoughts.
“Story Follows State.”
Not having enough attention on your emotional world can lead you to identify with thoughts more often.
Understanding that your body is feeling anger can help you not take the thought “I should just punch Norm in the face and steal his car” so seriously.
Cultivating a higher emotional intelligence can allow for a better knowledge of the mind/body connection relative to thoughts.
7. Ask, “Who does this belong to?”
Sometimes the thoughts in our head were not created by us. If you’re thinking, “I will never be successful.” Take a moment to ask yourself – who does this belong to? Perhaps it’s your Aunt Helen that always seemed to criticize your endeavors.
Thoughts and beliefs like this have their way of creeping into our subconscious, because its not always a conscious choice to believe Aunt Helen, we are more likely to assume we came up with the thought.
Seeing these connections can lead you to create more positive, accurate thoughts about yourself and the world around you.
Our Culture Loves Thinking (too much)
Lastly, it’s important to address how our culture (particularly Western) overvalues thinking on a broader scale. Yes, there are plenty of reasons why this has been advantageous for the growth of many industries and general prosperity.
However, we are in LOVE with thoughts, and this has its consequences. This may force us to identify with our (and others) personal narrative, getting lost in our heads, and disembodied from the world. Is that a world you want to live in?
We need to start fostering more of a balance. Creating a culture that focuses less on the selves, and ego’s inside and around, and instead allow for more attention on the human being behind these constructs.
A community that can see beyond thoughts, is a community that supports the human, and not just the constructs of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that temporarily inhabit that human being.
Action Step
This week, get to know your current relationship with your thoughts. Start to practice more nonjudgmental, mindful awareness of what’s happening in your mind. Let these practices give you a better window into the who behind the thoughts, and hopefully come to a better understanding that “you are not your thoughts”.
