Category: <span>Couples Therapy</span>

Couples Couples Therapy By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

Keeping the “Fairy Tale” Alive: Maintaining a Happy Marriage

Most of us have seen the divorce statistics…50% of first marriages will end in divorce, as well as 75% of second and third marriages. For the ones that remain, many stay together just for the kids or maybe financial reasons. Thus, it’s safe to say that around 80% of married couples are unhappy despite their best intentions.

When you ask the 20% that are happy in their marriages, they often respond, “it takes hard work” -wow… sounds like a blast…

Then no one really teaches us what this “hard work” really is, or at the very least not make it sound like such a drag. This can leave couples feeling helpless and hopeless.

Of course every couple is unique, but there are a few key concepts that are shown to make a relationship not just tolerable but fresh, exciting, safe, and mutually fulfilling for the long haul.

Accept it WILL get Stale

“Relationship entropy” is a natural and expected phenomenon. This entropy happens when we naturally habituate and automate our relationships resulting in taking them for granted and investing less energy.

Additionally, it doesn’t help that our brain will eventually produce less of the neurochemicals that in the beginning of the relationship allowed us to have less conflict, more sex, and generally be obsessed with our partner.

Left alone, a relationship WILL start to decay naturally like any neglected garden. To keep a garden alive-and-well it’ll need consistent sunlight, ample water, fertile soil, and resilience in the face of storms and intruders. Any relationship should be seen as a living organism that requires constant attention and care.

Simply expecting this will increase conscious effort and reduce feelings of anxiety, failure, and inadequacy.

The trick is to bring this reality to daily awareness, and then invest energy into that awareness. It’s part of the responsibility that a relationship requires to be in any way fulfilling for the long haul.

Know Thy Self, Know Thy Partner

“Every strongly held opinion has a principle, dream, or desire at its core.” -Keith Witt

Keeping with the cheesy garden metaphor: we have to be educated on how to take care of the specific plants that inhabit our garden. How much sunlight do they need? Shade? Water?

Just like these plants, everyone is unique in their needs. Perhaps your previous partner didn’t care about your tone of voice discussing politics, but your current spouse goes into complete shutdown mode.

Every interaction, conversation, conflict, and strong held opinion holds clues about that specific person. Taking stock of this information will be necessary for how to be with this specific person, as well as how to communicate how they can be with you.

Investing energy into the relationship doesn’t do any good if you don’t know where to invest it.

*When discovering this information we often need to pay less attention to the words that are being communicated and rather follow the emotional crumbs to our partner’s deepest principles, insecurities, dreams, and desires. Asking open-ended questions, being curious/non-judgmental, and validating their perspectives allows more of this information to surface.

Repair, Repair, Repair

Relationships are often LOADED with conflict, miscommunication, and general tension. But of course it’s not how much conflict you have, it’s how well you manage it.

Repairing breakdowns in connection allows couples to return to a homeostasis, a clearing of the psychological and emotional air between the couple.  This should generally be done fast; leaving these breakdowns unattended leads to resentment, anxiety, anger, and insidious misery.

Even if you believe its not a big deal that you looked at your phone in the middle of dinner, if it causes a rupture in emotional connection between you and your partner, REPAIR it sooner than later. I’d say that most ruptures in connection could be resolved in less than a few minutes or even seconds, given the right approach.

Commitment Attitude

Research shows that longer marriages tend to have an underlying attitude of “we’ll do what it takes.” If something is wrong the couple will work on it together before threatening commitment.

Couples that put too many conditions on the relationship using verbiage of “if you can’t,” “I’ll stay as long as,” “I can’t be with someone who…” break down the safety and commitment within the relationship.

*Of course there are exceptions to this when couples feel that a significant boundary has been crossed and more of a conditional stance on the relationship is required before recommitting. 

Be Mindful of Defensive States

“In order to be in patterns of connection, we need to relax our survival responses, we can’t be in both.” -Deb Dana, LCSW

Most of us know the ‘Fight, Flight, or Freeze’ response that our ancestors needed to stay alive in the presence of danger. What people may not know, is that our brain needed that response for our most common threat….other people.

Throughout history the people around us were manipulative, vindictive, hurtful, domineering, and just straight up mean. We had to form psychological defenses to keep the deepest parts of us safe.

As a baby we are born with the emotional systems built in, but it’s the training grounds of childhood that determine how many and which kinds of defensive strategies we employ within our closest relationships.

Then, later in life we fall in love to eventually see this person as our new family. Our emotional defensive strategies that lay dormant from childhood begin to protect us from the one person that can hurt us the most. This of course can escalate conflict and lead to deterioration of marriages.

Being mindful of your own and partners favorite defense states may take time, but is necessary for long term satisfaction.

Incorporate all of these…

Many of the items on the following list illicit positive emotion which among many benefits acts as insulation to the marriage (and doesn’t have to feel like work at all). This insulation allows more of an emotional buffer when inevitable stressors impede the relationship.

  • Consistent appreciations
  • Taking interest in partner’s life
  • Sharing personal information
  • Rituals of connection
  • Curb your ego
  • Scheduled and spontaneous sex
  • Play
  • Make time for “Check-ins” (Example topics: finances, parenting, sex)
  • Consentual physical touch
  • Kissing (for longer than 1 second)
  • “I love you”s
  • Taking genuine pleasure in partner’s happiness
  • Make sure each partner feels respected
  • TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
  • Humor and lightness
  • Moments of 100% attention
  • Getaways
  • “Yeah, Ands” not “Yes, Buts”
  • PDA
  • Cuddling
  • Kindness goes a long way
  • Maintaining individuality
  • Reasonable Acceptance
  • Sincere apologies

Relationships can be complex and in no way does this blog represent an exhaustive account of what can keep a relationship alive and well, this is merely a primer to what a marriage could consider to have a chance of being the 20% of happy marriages that remain.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

Couples Couples Therapy By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

The 4 Stages of Love Every Couple Needs to Know

“Nature is fashioned of cycles and our lives are part of nature. Yet we try so hard to make love stay put, to make it stay the way it is or the way we want it to be. This is like expecting a rose to always be in full bloom, with no phases of budding or fading.” -David Richo

LUST/MATE SELECTION

It’s a Friday night; Wendy and Joe meet at the local bar for drinks. They just matched on Tinder a week prior. The lusting and mate selection stage is already in full effect.

Lusting is a short, and not always integral part of what can lead to the beginning of “love.” The lust emotional system is somewhat differentiated in the brain, this is why its easy for Wendy and Joe to still lust for someone else while in a loving relationship. It is also common that our lust map will steer us wrong in finding a suitable mate, so cannot always be trusted. Nevertheless, Wendy and Joe got lucky and they are both feeling a sense of lust.

They continue to chat on Tinder and go on a few dates as they are beginning to see each other as a possible mate. Wendy thinks, “Wow this Joe guy is PERFECT, he’s spontaneous, outgoing, and hilarious!” Joe is mutually invested, “She’s cute, witty, and we both love sushi… I can’t get enough of her!”

 

ROMANCE

“Love is merely a madness…”   – William Shakespeare

Wendy and Joe are off to the races, their attraction is palpable and they mutually have agreed to start their relationship.  Weeks go by as they smoothly transition into the romantic stage where their courtship remains stable without much effort, monogamy is relatively easy.

Wendy and Joe will continue to feel a sense of euphoria, excitement, and optimism. During this time any faults they may detect in the other seem insignificant, love is still “blind”. The brain gives you a dose of neurochemicals that doesn’t allow you to see the other person in complete reality, but how you wish them to be. Our brains have been hardwired to continue to see the partner through these rose-colored glasses for roughly the next 6 months to 3 years*.

*This is where most “love stories” will end. They often fail to show what happens next…

 

CONFLICT

Around two years removed from their kismet Tinder match their neurochemical rose-colored glasses are slowly being removed. Wendy and Joe are now forced to consider if the other person is equipped to be a life partner. Yikes…this is kind of a big deal…

All of sudden Wendy’s wittiness is kind of annoying to Joe. Wendy has now changed her perspective of Joe’s previously charming quality of spontaneity to thinking he’s a jerk with ADHD.

They start to argue more, have less sex, and out of nowhere they seem to be more opinionated in the proper way to wash dishes.

Wendy and Joe have entered the conflict stage, or some call it the “falling out of love” or “power struggle” stage. It’s when you come back to reality and see the other person in totality.

This is a normal and necessary stage all couples need to go through to successfully find ways to work out their differences, take stock of their life and relational goals, and slowly integrate into a more stable commitment for the long term.

This stage is also when partners will start see the others (and our own) “issues” more acutely. These issues typically arise from childhood family dynamics, relational traumas, personality, or general differences. The couple’s success in integrating these newfound contentions will play a large part in their long-term success as a couple.

People will often see this stage as a sign of not finding “the one” and will commonly divorce only to start the cycle over and over again. Sometimes they become more married to the feeling of the fairy tale love, rather than understand the true story of what “happily ever after” actually means.

It’s appropriate to feel grief at the end of the romance stage, the thrill is over. The difference is in how the couple responds to this grief. They can either wallow in the disappointment as blame, anger, and frustration takes over. Or the couple can embrace the grief together, allowing it to strengthen their bond.

However, the conflict stage is not always something to overcome. Perhaps the couple removes their rose colored glasses and sees that their values don’t align for future bonding, that the drinking problem is not slowing down, or someone is simply not interested in a long term partnership. It’s also important to keep in mind at this stage that people can vary genetically on their ability to love and maintain long-term bonding.

It can also be a good foreshadowing. Most couples that divorce say the things that lead to divorce were present before marriage and that it was their blind optimism that got in the way. So yes, we need to learn to manage our differences but also find our personal line of tolerance for our differences before commitment. People can change, but don’t always count on it.

 

INTIMATE BONDING/COMMITMENT

If Wendy and Joe don’t impulsively leave the relationship because of the stark emotional difference between the Romance and Conflict stages, they can find security and satisfaction in the intimate bonding/commitment stage. A stage that has also been called “true love” is still filled with its own inherent challenges, but nonetheless an achievement necessary to taste the fruits of long-term partnership.

At this stage their goal is to rebuild the relationship on the rich soil of wisdom, experience, and knowledge left over from the conflict stage (similar to the rich remains of autumn giving life and rebirth to the formation of spring).

This stage is marked with healthy interdependence (rather than dependence or domination), egoless acts of love, an attitude of commitment and cooperation, and the feeling of familial coherence.

To better ensure bonding, our brains will provide us with new neurotransmitters of oxytocin and vasopressin. However, the neurochemical makeup that caused us to initially be obsessed with our partner is now gone.

Even though this final stage seems like a relationship oasis, it doesn’t mean the couple now lives happily ever after without effort. This stage requires constant maintenance, as all relationships are subject to natural depreciation.

 

A Life of Stages…

Similar processes are found in nature as well as throughout human experience and culture. Take for instance the hero’s journey; the hero meets a point of struggle/conflict only to return home transformed into a more mature form. In our relationships we are encouraged to psychologically depart, embark in struggle, and return to the relationship within the walls of a more mature, egoless love.

It is also a similar process between child and caregiver. They enmesh after the baby is born almost if they’re the same person, a theory called “symbiosis” (similar to lust/romance stage). As the child becomes more aware of their individuality conflict ensues as the child discovers their world apart from the caregiver; a stage colloquially termed the terrible 2’s (conflict stage). This process of “differentiation” continues as the mother hopefully respects and allows the child to be its own person with the undercurrent of safety and secure attachment (intimate bonding/commitment).

Our lives are inevitably filled with phases, stages, chapters, etc. The more we resist these the more pain we may be inflicting on ourselves. Learning to embrace, accept, and integrate them is not a thing of weakness but recognition of our true nature. Find time this week to reflect on your current life stages. Consider areas such as career, aging, development, romance and friendships.

For more information on how to maintain the Commitment Stage check out my blog: Keeping the “Fairy Tale” Alive: Maintaining a Happy Marriage.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

Couples Couples Therapy Relationships By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

5 Lessons for the Conflict Avoidant Couple

Dave and Gina are newly married. It’s a Tuesday, and Dave had to stay late at work. Already irritated, he plops down in front of the TV without greeting his wife. Gina is annoyed; she hasn’t heard from Dave all day and now he didn’t even say hello!

Dave can already sense the negative sentiment from Gina in the air. He’s further triggered by her tone of voice but refuses to address it, as she avoids voicing her grievances to avoid a fight. They continue on with the evening as a small emotional seed has now been planted. Ten more Tuesdays go by as resentment, anger, and fear continue to build and drive them further apart.

A hundred Tuesdays later, Dave and Gina are so defeated and miserable they are both secretly contemplating divorce.

Gina and Dave would be considered a “Conflict Avoidant” couple at this stage.

Signs that conflict was overdue for Gina and Dave:

  1. Underlying resentment, anger, and frustration.
  2. Emotional disconnection.
  3. Increased desire to fill self with other people, substances, etc.
  4. Feeling a lack of authenticity.
  5. Passive aggressiveness.

1. Accept That Conflict is Inevitable

The story of Gina and Dave is a sad, but all-too-common tale. In the early stages of a relationship, lack of conflict is somewhat normal. But as time goes on conflict becomes inevitable and necessary.

This is where many couples begin to place judgment on themselves and their partner. They may interpret it as a sign the relationship is “bad” or that they chose the wrong person. Their expectation that they had found “the one” is now in serious jeopardy. These judgments can create a strain in the relationship as prospective conflict continues to be swept under the rug.

It doesn’t matter if Gina and Dave are from the same town, have similar beliefs, and both love sushi; they are inherently two different people.

Having an expectation that conflict will arise no matter what will ease their hesitation to avoid it all costs.

2. Sweat the Small Stuff (At Least Initially)

There are of course times in a relationship to not sweat the small stuff. However, for a couple like Dave and Gina there are plenty of times the “small stuff” needs attention.

Dave arriving late and snubbing Gina could be seen as a small event. Yet, every time Gina didn’t confront Dave her frustration was tucked away into her unconscious. This robs Gina of the present moment as it stirs inside until it eventually spills into other parts of the relationship creating more havoc.

Their nervous system was receiving emotional information to avoid, defend, or attack their partner. Instead, Dave and Gina would hope to nurture their approach (social engagement) system.

Letting things build over time also chips away at the trust in a relationship. The person that you’ve built resentment towards may have no idea, and thus is blindsided and somewhat betrayed when things break down.

3. Embrace Rupture and Repair: The Super Nova Metaphor

“It is not conflict that leads to relationship dissolution so much as it is the failure to repair and re-connect following relationship ruptures.” – Sue Johnson and Lorrie Brubacher

Conflict in relationships can be seen as a constant rupture and repair. The process is similar to the balance of chaos and order within our daily lives.

A representation of this is the explosion of a star, a Super Nova (rupture/chaos).

Before the star explodes, it holds more dense and complex elements than when it was first formed. After the explosion, the elements scatter all over the universe to form more complex entities like our planet (repair/order).

Without allowing the rupture (or conflict) to happen naturally in our relationships, it’s like a pressurized star building with tension, heat, and overflow of superior elements waiting to scatter.

The repair process allows the couple to put their relationship back together in a more evolved, complex order than if it hadn’t ruptured in the first place.

With this perspective we can see that conflict is an opportunity (which sounds a lot less scary).  It’s a chance for the couple to gather information on what’s important to the other person, a moment to connect and love them specifically tailored to their needs.

We can see that the absence of conflict is more of a death sentence for a relationship then the alternative. It allows us an opportunity to be our authentic selves – allowing ourselves to be genuine and honest through conflict can allow for greater compromise, safety, and stability.

4. Learn to Tolerate Disharmony

Many people avoid conflict because of the initial feeling of disharmony. They feel that bringing something up or engaging in whatever their partner is upset about, will overwhelm them and create more negative emotion within the relationship.

It is key to remember that this initial disharmony is in service of a greater harmony. Just like in the super nova metaphor, there is a richer and safer relationship on the other side of this initial discomfort.

It is here that the conflict avoidant couple must learn to what I call, “Sit in the shit.” There are many ways to do this; becoming mindful of your emotions, taking short time-outs, not taking things personally, and finding your own emotional anchors to get through the rupture are some of the more effective coping skills.

5. Cultivate Healthy Repair

It’s one thing to stop avoiding conflict, but to finally introduce it without proper skills presents another set of challenges. Since conflict may have been foreign for so long it can get messy and end further hurting the relationship. Issues that are resolved appropriately can be extremely healing, gratifying, and liberating.

For this, there are countless skills and coping methods especially tailored for intimate relationships.

Sources of conflict could also be the result of deeper and more complicated emotions, thoughts, and previous experiences that may need to be sorted out with the help of a professional.

Thankfully, not all is lost for Dave and Gina, working together on better navigating conflict can not only dissolve their resentments, but help evolve their relationship to a new level of satisfaction.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

 

Couples Couples Therapy Relationships By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

Relationships: The 9 Key Ingredients For Lasting Commitment

A friend of mine recently got married. I proudly stood as his best man as he said his vows – a commitment to be with his wife for as long as they both shall live. And as I gave my speech, highlighting their love for each other and my confidence in their longevity as a couple, I couldn’t help but consider how often this commitment breaks down.

It seems that over the last century, this commitment has slowly eroded to a flimsy promise to stick around for the long haul.

However, we remain optimistic. We are hopeful we will find the person to commit to – take a deep breath – and hope that this pledge will leave us feeling safe; comfortably in love for all eternity.

Yet how often do we stop and sincerely consider what commitment actually means?

Whether you are single or currently in a relationship, reminding yourself the characteristics of a healthy commitment will better affirm a successful partnership.

11. Commitment is action

It’s easy for anyone to say they are committed to something. Simply saying “I do” on your wedding day can be the equivalent of drunkenly screaming out your New Years resolution.

The commitment in a relationship doesn’t just happen without effort; it’s the day-in-day out choice and action towards the lifelong journey with this person for better or worse.

2. Commitment is having a growth mindset

When I work with a couple that is genuinely committed there is an undeniable feeling in the room of “how will we make this work?” not “will we make this work.” This is a mindset of growth, rather than a fixed mindset of “this hasn’t worked, and will never work.”

Coming from a place of how allows the couple to make changes with less resistance, increases imagination, and creates a feeling of safety.

If you find yourself slipping out of a growth mindset, but would like to continue working on the relationship, try to act as if you had more of the “how can we make this work” attitude. It’s possible to have your doubts and still maintain a positive outlook.

3. Commitment is maintaining gratitude

Commitment is making a choice to see the positive qualities in your partner. It’s having gratitude for who they are instead of building resentment for what they are not.

Having appreciation for your significant other won’t only reinforce commitment, but will enhance the quality of the relationship as a whole. Remind yourself regularly why you were attracted to this person in the first place, and what qualities make you continue to fall in love with them.

4. Commitment is embracing vulnerability

When making a commitment to someone, we surrender ourselves to every possibility. For better or worse, a commitment affects our freedoms, family, finances, emotions, lifestyle, etc (no wonder it can be so scary). But without this vulnerability we stunt our ability to form adequate intimacy, and cheat ourselves from having the relationship we deserve.

Again, this isn’t something that is just assumed when you say “I do”. Vulnerability is required at every stage in a relationship. This allows us to develop closeness, connection, and authenticity to solidify our commitment.

5. Commitment is creating safety

Relationships cannot thrive without an undercurrent of safety. Research is finding that security is a human being’s primary need.  Our romantic relationships are ground zero to achieve a life of emotional security.

Intact commitment offers us safety in that “we are in this together, this person has my back”. The mere presence of our loved one soothes us into a feeling of “I’m safe with this person, I’m free to be myself”

6. Commitment is unconditional AND conditional love

“In a healthy person, loyalty has its limits and unconditional love can coexist with conditional involvement”   -David Richo

It is possible to love unconditionally but place conditions around that love. This allows us to respect our own self-love without losing ourselves to an unhealthy relationship.  “I love you, and I care for myself by not supporting your addiction.”

This part of a relationship is never black and white. We must be keen to reasonable expectations in a relationship, but also set high enough standards that we remain fulfilled.

All relationships are different, and all have their own unique challenges. However whenever there is any form of abuse, we must take care of our mental and physical wellbeing first.

7. Commitment is reviewing and healing the past

When committing to someone you have a personal responsibility to review how the past may contribute to your ability to successfully commit. Reviewing your past models of relationships from family and friends may of lead to your current belief system of what commitment looks like.

This also includes looking at our previous relationships that may have left us feeling betrayed, abandoned, or hurt – leaving us guarded. Unless we fully heal and learn from prior relationships we risk repeating the past.

Imagine discovering internal beliefs of “no one can be trusted” or “men will eventually just leave me.” Successfully confronting these beliefs are vital to allowing a successful, long lasting partnership.

8. Commitment is finding the Win-Win

It’s a Sunday afternoon and Holly wants to go to the store, but Jay wants to get the car washed. Their ability to work towards the win-win during these seemingly insignificant situations sets a tone that will answer the question, “Will this person meet my needs for the long haul?”

Certainly, Holly and Jay were put to the test in this high pressure situation… but intuitively understand that it’s the balance of giving and receiving core needs that leave both parties feeling fulfilled for the long term.

9. Commitment is having patience

Finally, be patient. Commitment does not come easy. It consistently challenges us to be imaginative, courageous, and responsible with a person that hopefully returns the favor. It allows us to develop the qualities that make us human. It forces us to put aside our ego, utilize empathy, and evolve. It may take a lifetime to fully understand the depth and qualities necessary for a healthy commitment.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.