The 4 Stages of Love Every Couple Needs to Know

“Nature is fashioned of cycles and our lives are part of nature. Yet we try so hard to make love stay put, to make it stay the way it is or the way we want it to be. This is like expecting a rose to always be in full bloom, with no phases of budding or fading.” -David Richo

LUST/MATE SELECTION

It’s a Friday night; Wendy and Joe meet at the local bar for drinks. They just matched on Tinder a week prior. The lusting and mate selection stage is already in full effect.

Lusting is a short, and not always integral part of what can lead to the beginning of “love.” The lust emotional system is somewhat differentiated in the brain, this is why its easy for Wendy and Joe to still lust for someone else while in a loving relationship. It is also common that our lust map will steer us wrong in finding a suitable mate, so cannot always be trusted. Nevertheless, Wendy and Joe got lucky and they are both feeling a sense of lust.

They continue to chat on Tinder and go on a few dates as they are beginning to see each other as a possible mate. Wendy thinks, “Wow this Joe guy is PERFECT, he’s spontaneous, outgoing, and hilarious!” Joe is mutually invested, “She’s cute, witty, and we both love sushi… I can’t get enough of her!”

ROMANCE

“Love is merely a madness…”   – William Shakespeare

Wendy and Joe are off to the races, their attraction is palpable and they mutually have agreed to start their relationship.  Weeks go by as they smoothly transition into the romantic stage where their courtship remains stable without much effort, monogamy is relatively easy.

Wendy and Joe will continue to feel a sense of euphoria, excitement, and optimism. During this time any faults they may detect in the other seem insignificant, love is still “blind”. The brain gives you a dose of neurochemicals that doesn’t allow you to see the other person in complete reality, but how you wish them to be. Our brains have been hardwired to continue to see the partner through these rose-colored glasses for roughly the next 6 months to 3 years*.

*This is where most “love stories” will end. They often fail to show what happens next…

CONFLICT

Around two years removed from their kismet Tinder match their neurochemical rose-colored glasses are slowly being removed. Wendy and Joe are now forced to consider if the other person is equipped to be a life partner. Yikes…this is kind of a big deal…

All of sudden Wendy’s wittiness is kind of annoying to Joe. Wendy has now changed her perspective of Joe’s previously charming quality of spontaneity to thinking he’s a jerk with ADHD.

They start to argue more, have less sex, and out of nowhere they seem to be more opinionated in the proper way to wash dishes.

Wendy and Joe have entered the conflict stage, or some call it the “falling out of love” or “power struggle” stage. It’s when you come back to reality and see the other person in totality.

This is a normal and necessary stage all couples need to go through to successfully find ways to work out their differences, take stock of their life and relational goals, and slowly integrate into a more stable commitment for the long term.

This stage is also when partners will start see the others (and our own) “issues” more acutely. These issues typically arise from childhood family dynamics, relational traumas, personality, or general differences. The couple’s success in integrating these newfound contentions will play a large part in their long-term success as a couple.

People will often see this stage as a sign of not finding “the one” and will commonly divorce only to start the cycle over and over again. Sometimes they become more married to the feeling of the fairy tale love, rather than understand the true story of what “happily ever after” actually means.

It’s appropriate to feel grief at the end of the romance stage, the thrill is over. The difference is in how the couple responds to this grief. They can either wallow in the disappointment as blame, anger, and frustration takes over. Or the couple can embrace the grief together, allowing it to strengthen their bond.

However, the conflict stage is not always something to overcome. Perhaps the couple removes their rose colored glasses and sees that their values don’t align for future bonding, that the drinking problem is not slowing down, or someone is simply not interested in a long term partnership. It’s also important to keep in mind at this stage that people can vary genetically on their ability to love and maintain long-term bonding.

It can also be a good foreshadowing. Most couples that divorce say the things that lead to divorce were present before marriage and that it was their blind optimism that got in the way. So yes, we need to learn to manage our differences but also find our personal line of tolerance for our differences before commitment. People can change, but don’t always count on it.

INTIMATE BONDING/COMMITMENT

If Wendy and Joe don’t impulsively leave the relationship because of the stark emotional difference between the Romance and Conflict stages, they can find security and satisfaction in the intimate bonding/commitment stage. A stage that has also been called “true love” is still filled with its own inherent challenges, but nonetheless an achievement necessary to taste the fruits of long-term partnership.

At this stage their goal is to rebuild the relationship on the rich soil of wisdom, experience, and knowledge left over from the conflict stage (similar to the rich remains of autumn giving life and rebirth to the formation of spring).

This stage is marked with healthy interdependence (rather than dependence or domination), egoless acts of love, an attitude of commitment and cooperation, and the feeling of familial coherence.

To better ensure bonding, our brains will provide us with new neurotransmitters of oxytocin and vasopressin. However, the neurochemical makeup that caused us to initially be obsessed with our partner is now gone.

Even though this final stage seems like a relationship oasis, it doesn’t mean the couple now lives happily ever after without effort. This stage requires constant maintenance, as all relationships are subject to natural depreciation.

A Life of Stages…

Similar processes are found in nature as well as throughout human experience and culture. Take for instance the hero’s journey; the hero meets a point of struggle/conflict only to return home transformed into a more mature form. In our relationships we are encouraged to psychologically depart, embark in struggle, and return to the relationship within the walls of a more mature, egoless love.

It is also a similar process between child and caregiver. They enmesh after the baby is born almost if they’re the same person, a theory called “symbiosis” (similar to lust/romance stage). As the child becomes more aware of their individuality conflict ensues as the child discovers their world apart from the caregiver; a stage colloquially termed the terrible 2’s (conflict stage). This process of “differentiation” continues as the mother hopefully respects and allows the child to be its own person with the undercurrent of safety and secure attachment (intimate bonding/commitment).

Our lives are inevitably filled with phases, stages, chapters, etc. The more we resist these the more pain we may be inflicting on ourselves. Learning to embrace, accept, and integrate them is not a thing of weakness but recognition of our true nature. Find time this week to reflect on your current life stages. Consider areas such as career, aging, development, romance and friendships.

For more information on how to maintain the Commitment Stage check out my blog: Keeping the “Fairy Tale” Alive: Maintaining a Happy Marriage.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.