Category: <span>Dating</span>

Break ups Dating By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

The Dating Playbook: 16 Ways To Bounce Back From Break Ups and Rejection

In my practice, I have the privilege of joining clients in their pursuit of finding and keeping romance. If someone wishes to find a life partner, I believe it to be one of the most important decisions that person will make. Especially in today’s society (often by default) your partner become your best friend, lover, primary support, and emergency contact on all medical forms. They are the person you choose to be with more than anyone else, the person that connects you to yourself, world, and future. 

We should not take the process in finding this person lightly. Whether you are just starting to date, getting out of a long-term relationship, or finally committing to seriously dating after many years of singlehood – being proactive about how you go about it can drastically impact your fate. 

I have compiled a few dating tips straight from the therapy room. They are broken up into separate articles, each tackling a different aspect of the process. 

The Dating Playbook: 13 Things To Do Before You Start Dating

The Dating Playbook: 14 Tips For The Dating Life

The Dating Playbook: You’re Here!

 

“Rejections elicit emotional pain so sharp it affects our thinking, floods us with anger, erodes our confidence and self-esteem, and destabilizes our fundamental feeling of belonging.”– Guy Winch,  Ph.D.

 

We all know rejection, and if we don’t, we know how to subconsciously avoid it. Rejection is painful; the part of the brain that reacts to physical pain is the same part of the brain that reacts to the pain of romantic rejection.

Evolution wants us to bond, and makes sure we feel the pain of a lost relationship. It’s even been shown that primates and humans have a hard-wired sensitivity to feeling unimportant or as if they don’t exist, they will become aggressive and agitated.

Rejection is ever more rampant in today’s culture. With the advent of dating apps, you may have access to more suitors, but at the cost of endless rejections and “ghosting”.

(for a quick refresher on “ghosting”, here is the online dictionary definition)

Ghosting – verb – “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”

Depending on our personal history and nature of the lost relationship, each perceived rejection can have varying effects on our mental and emotional world. The wound can vary from a minor cut to a deep gash.

After a rejection, it’s wise to first check in with yourself. Be honest with how your feeling. It’s easy to bury our feelings with a deep plunge back into the dating apps or a pint of chocolate ice cream (or worse). We have to assess how severe is the emotional wound, just as we would after a scrape on our knee.

If we don’t give the wounds of rejection the time and attention they deserve, just like a cut without proper attention, they can become infected. The wound can lay under the surface of your dating life – wreaking havoc without your awareness. It can create physical pain, angry and aggressive urges, harm to self or others, and damage to our feeling of belongingness.

I’ve compiled a list of the common ways people cope with rejection. Again, everyone is unique in this process, however, we all are human, and there are certain universal truths about what rejection does to our emotional systems. Read the list below and find the ones that resonate.

 

1.  Surround yourself with a positive support system. Rejection is a rupture in human connection, what a better time then to add positive emotional support from others. Let others be there for you, and make an effort regardless if you don’t feel particularly social.

 

2. Realistic Thinking. Thinking clearly can be difficult in the wake of a rejection. A study found that merely being asked about a rejection significantly affected the score on tests of IQ, memory, reasoning, and decision making. Nonetheless, your mind is a meaning making machine and likes to know why they “rejected” you. The problem with this is that we tend to over-personalize or over-generalize the rejection, creating a self-critical lens. Remind yourself of the 1,000 reasons they “rejected” you besides something like “not being good enough”. A key perspective is realizing how people have formed “Love Maps” based on their childhood and romantic experiences. These emotional maps are powerful guides to who we choose, and sometimes don’t always steer us in the best direction. We need to see that it isn’t always a personal fallibility, but simply a mismatch in the other person’s Love Map.

 

3. Create Self-Critical Counterarguments. If you start to slip into critical self-talk, write down all the things you’ve been saying to yourself about the rejection. Then, next to each statement write a counterargument. Have these handy for when they pop up in your mind so you can immediately argue against the postulation.

 

4. Remind yourself of your worth and positive qualities. This can be difficult for most people, but reminding yourself of your positive qualities can help balance any self-critical thoughts. If it’s hard to come up with them yourself, ask trusted friends and family members for their opinion, think back to other relationships and suitors that provided positive feedback.

 

5.  Use An “Even Though” Statement: Complete this sentence…

  • “Even though_____, I have to let you go because_____”
  • Example: “Even though you please me sexually, even though we have been together so long, even though I don’t know whether I will ever find someone else, I have to let you go because you do not meet me at my soul/adult level.”

 

6.  Personal Development. Whether its upping your time at the gym or reading articles by Adam Lencioni, being proactive in working on yourself has been shown to be one of the best things to do after a rejection. This is not about making up for a lack of self-worth, but to boost a general sense of confidence moving forward.

 

7.  Normalize. You’re not the first person to feel like this. The feelings we get from unrequited love is extremely normal. Speaking with friends about their experiences, reading articles or books, or simply acknowledging the normalcy of the emotions you’re experiencing can be incredibly healing.

 

8. Use Your Own Experiences. If this isn’t your first time experiencing rejection, this means you survived before! Think back on how you were able to heal and move on. There’s no better teacher than your past self.

 

9. Let Yourself Grieve Without Judgment. Grief is one of our hard-wired, core emotions. It’s part of having mammalian ancestors that survived from sustained connection. Letting yourself have a “good cry” is nature’s way of rebalancing your emotional system and properly grieving a loss. Even if you are simultaneously filled with anger, and are damning the person to hell, you’ll usually find a healthy grief below the surface, let it wash over you fully.

 

10. Reframe The “Failure”. It’s easy to get down on yourself after a relationship doesn’t work out. It’s important not to take these too personally, and proactively search for hidden lessons. Remind yourself that dating, like anything in life, is a process. It’s a process that will inevitably include failures and missteps. Use these moments to your advantage to learn and grow instead of destroying your spirit.

 

11. Desensitize Yourself. There are countless stories of people making a conscious effort to expose themselves to rejection. This could be going to a park and asking 20 random girls out on a date (in the friendliest way possible) or asking the people at Chipotle if you can make your own burrito. Intentionally exposing yourself to more rejection can desensitize you to the feelings, albeit it may still sting to some degree.

 

12. Change Things Up. Especially if your previous relationship involved living together or frequent sleep overs – your environment can be a constant reminder of him/her. Put away or dispose of the cards, gifts, and pictures, move furniture, or even stay at a friend’s house for a few nights.

 

13. Practice Mindful Media Usage. These days, it’s a lot more difficult to avoid our exes. They can live in our pocket, 2-3 clicks away from seeing their joyous Instagram story while we feel like a knife is piercing our broken heart. It’s important to be mindful of how you wish to continue your involvement with him/her on social media. This is all personal preference, but I subscribe to the belief of unfollowing them (at least for the time being).

 

14. Write Three Lists. Write 10 things you are losing that you are actually happyto be losing with the end of this relationship (e.g. always having to pay the restaurant bill, dealing with their mood swings). Next, write a list of 10 things you are actually gaining by losing the relationship (e.g. more time to hike with my dog on the weekends). The last list is 10 ways you can turn the disappointment into a positive personal growth opportunity (e.g. a chance to work on my personal boundaries in relationships). *this is great!

 

15. Have a Release Ceremony. An example of this could be writing their name, a few words, and a sincere goodbye on a piece of paper and burning it or washing the remains down the drain. (go back and review the release ceremony from the first article)

 

16. Try These Self-care Suggestions: exercise, start a gratitude journal, listen to music that aligns with your desired emotional response, use deep breathing and mindfulness techniques to stay as present as possible, eat healthy, sleep 8 hours a day, etc.

 

Creating Your Own Rejection Protocol

It can be comforting to have a personal rejection protocol in place for dating. Make a list of some of your go-to coping skills for rejection and have them handy in case rejection pops up in your dating life. Knowing you have a first-aid kit at home for any rejection creates an empowering way to get back on your feet, fully healed. Having this in place can boost your confidence going forward in the often stressful, hurtful, and unpredictable world of dating.

Rejection Protocol Example

Miranda’s Rejection Protocol:

  • Call Gina and Mom to vent about what happened
  • Listen to “Roses” by Outkast
  • Have a good cry in the shower
  • Unfollow him on social media
  • Review personal strengths
  • Write an “even though” statement
  • Set a schedule to go to the gym this week
  • Do something positive for yourself (get a massage, buy a new outfit)
  • Do a release ceremony

 

Dating By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

The Dating Playbook: 14 Tips For The Dating Life

In my practice, I have the privilege of joining clients in their pursuit of finding and keeping romance. If someone wishes to find a life partner, I believe it to be one of the most important decisions that person will make. Especially in today’s society (often by default) your partner become your best friend, lover, primary support, and emergency contact on all medical forms. They are the person you choose to be with more than anyone else, the person that connects you to yourself, world, and future. 

We should not take the process in finding this person lightly. Whether you are just starting to date, getting out of a long-term relationship, or finally committing to seriously dating after many years of singledom – being proactive about how you go about it can drastically impact your fate. 

I have compiled a few dating tips straight from the therapy room. They are broken up into separate articles, each tackling a different aspect of the process. 

The Dating Playbook: 13 Things To Do Before You Start Dating 

The Dating Playbook: You’re Here!

The Dating Playbook: 16 Ways To Bounce Back From Break Ups and Rejection

 

1. Make a Pre-Date Protocol

Before leaving for a date, it’s wise to have a pre-date ritual. What you do for this ritual all depends on your specific needs. Here are some ideas:

  • Check in with how you feel.
  • Set intentions for the date. “I intend to have fun, take deep breaths, and only have 2 glasses of wine.”
  • Call or text a friend for support.
  • Check your outfit for how comfortable and confident you feel.
  • Review your list of dating boundaries, priorities, common triggers, and mantras.
  • Listen to music that promotes your desired feeling: confidence, sexiness, authenticity, etc.

 

2. Make a Post-Date Protocol

It’s helpful to have a pre-date protocol, but the post-date protocol might be more important. If it’s late and you’ve had a few drinks, it might be best to do it the morning after. Think about the things you’ve learned about yourself in the realm of dating/relationships and create a quick protocol to take an honest assessment of yourself, the other person, and the date itself. Perhaps it’s just a few questions:

  • How do I feel around this person?
  • Can I think of any potential red flags so far?
  • Where do our values align so far?
  • What were two things that I thought went well, and what’s one thing I would have changed?
  • How does this person align or not align with some of my old negative patterns of dating?
  • Is this someone I should invest in emotionally?
  • Is he/she capable of giving me what I need?
  • How much is this person capable of intimacy?

Asking yourself these types of questions empowers you to take more control of the process. Instead of asking questions like, “Does this person like me?”, you’re focusing on the questions that will impact your happiness in a potential relationship.

Also important, keep in mind how many times you’ve been out with this person as you assess; a red flag that you’ve seen once is much different than one you’ve seen 14 times in 10 dates.

 

 3. Answer These 5 Questions 

The following questions were created by psychologist and author, Keith Witt. They give us a general guideline for the types of questions we need to ask ourselves while in the dating process.

  1. Is there an erotic polarity between me and this other person? We can’t deny the love affair component of a relationship. This is sparked by the masculine and feminine polarity that exists between two people. Check in with yourself and determine if the person elicits this polarity within you. 
  2. Does this person maintain their physical and psychological health? This doesn’t mean they need to be going to therapy once a day and running marathons. It’s about the other person taking a reasonable interest and responsibility in taking care of themselves.
  3. If there was a conflict, does this person have the willingness and ability to get back to love? Being able to repair disconnection caused by conflict or lack-there-of, is a central component to long term success in relationship. Actively gauge the person’s willingness in their commitment to work through issues as they arise. This is a sign of their motivation to develop full intimacy.
  4. Would this person show up appropriately for a child or family member? Depending on this person for support is another central component of lasting love. We need to be able to gauge their ability to do this with others, and in turn – ourselves.
  5. Does this person have something larger than themselves, something sacred that they are committed to? And do they respect or even admire what’s sacred to me? This question gets us to think about our (and their) missions, goals, and values. Does this person respect what I care about? Does this person have their own thing that I can support and gives them purpose outside the relationship?

*Additional Questions –

  1. Can this person focus on you and respond to your needs?
  2. Does this person love you sanely – rather than need you desperately?
  3. Are you happy together more than half the time?
  4. Does he/she keep their agreements?
  5. Can you share with this person what troubles, , excites, or delights you?
  6. Do you feel loved in the special way that is unique to you, do you feel is bodily?

Having these types of questions top of mind allows a more efficient process while dating. You’ll be more astute when there might be a polarity of sexual tension, but see that they don’t seem to take care of their physical health, or are not always the best at showing up for their family members.

 

4. Survey Their Values 

As a couples’ counselor, I see relationships torn apart for not a lack of love and chemistry, but rather their value system. She wants kids, he doesn’t. He loves camping every month, she hates bugs. He’s religious, she wants nothing to do with it. Of course, some of these can sometimes be compromised on while in a thriving relationship, but everyone has some non-negotiables when it comes to their life goals and dreams.

Write down all your current personal values and life goals. Keep these in mind as you pursue the dating pool. While dating someone, don’t let your emotions gloss over their value system. Our infatuation can blind us from the future problems that can arise from an incongruence in values.

 

5. Maintain Good Self Care 

You will be better prepared to enter the jungles of the dating world if you are mentally and physically healthy. Maintain an exercise schedule, healthy diet, strong support system, and adequate sleep. Dating can be a mental and emotional roller coaster, so maintaining these healthy habits increases your resilience and stability throughout the process (and doesn’t hurt with your attractiveness, either).

 

 6. Beware of Too Much Choice 

Most singles have flocked to the dating apps and websites. These resources have their pros and cons. Of course, these apps give us access to more people, especially useful in our increasingly isolated culture – but they also leave us vulnerable to too much choice.

It’s been a well-studied phenomenon that people are more likely to make a choice if presented with less options. We can be overwhelmed by the amount of choices, and can have more regret after making a decision.

My favorite analogy is the cereal aisle. If there were only three choices of cereal your commitment to that particular cereal is likely to be higher than with 50 options. With more options, we are more likely to question our choice, longing for those other cereals you didn’t pick.

 

7. Seek Friendship

Long term relationships that remain stable for the long haul usually have a strong sense of friendship. Friendship is comprised of a mutual respect, and a desire to want to spend time with the other person. It could also include ability to laugh/play together, dynamic conversations, and some similar interests. Couples that have a relationship solely based on things like sex without friendship will be less likely to succeed.

If you don’t enjoy hanging out with the person, you’ll be in for a heap of trouble. This is someone that you’ll probably be hanging out with THE MOST. It’s wise to select someone you can more than tolerate while living together, traveling, and going on dates.

 

8. Know Your Limits And Boundaries

When entering the jungles of the dating world, remind yourself of what you will or will not accept in terms of your own and people’s behavior. Setting intentions about your dating boundaries is a form of self-care, and can help you from getting burnt out, compromise your values, or hang on to someone for too long. If someone continues to disrespect your boundaries, that could be enough evidence for the rightful termination of the relationship.

 

9. Seek Without Seeking – Wu Wei 

“I will prepare myself and someday my chance will come.” -Abraham Lincoln

Wu Wei is a philosophical concept from Taoism. It teaches us to be at peace with the natural flow of nature, to not resist what is, but also meet it with effortless action. The School of Life calls it a “wise and strategic passivity”.

Applied to dating, being in a state of Wu Wei allows us to seek without seeking. It lets us relax a little bit in the pursuit of “the one”. If we become too engrossed by the pursuit of finding a partner, we get in the way of the natural flow of life that may be already bringing this person to us.

Using this philosophical attitude, we find the balance between high involvement and intention, but with low attachment to the outcome, a kind of active allowing. Lowering our attachment decreases the negative emotions with failed attempts, and reduces its impact on overall happiness.

 

10. Be Prepared to Effectively Communicate

Some people are naturally better than others at communicating their needs in the beginning of a relationship; this can feel extremely vulnerable. But when you effectively communicate your needs early on it can lead to feeling more confident, assertive, and competent while dating. For someone that wants to have children ASAP it could scare some suitors away, sure, but it also displays clarity in your needs and reduces wasted time for you and them.

If you get the response you wanted then you know this person is willing to meet the need you expressed. If they ignore it, demean you, or ghost you, they just gave you a pretty clear answer. Here are some effective communication tips:

  • Use “I” statements.
  • Communicate after your emotions are settled.
  • Strike when the iron is cold (E.g. it might not be best to assert yourself when the other person isn’t stressed from a long day at work).
  • Try not to blame the other person. Take responsibility for your needs.
  • Be specific, people can’t read your mind.
  • If you are not used to this type of communication, write down what you intend to say beforehand.

 

11. Use The Spice Girls Test

As we become swept away by the love drug neurochemicals and possibility adhering to our outdated love maps, our judgment can become clouded. It’s sometimes difficult to be objective in the throes of a prospective romance.

I must confess, “the Spice Girls test” was referenced by a client of mine and I’ve used it ever since. The Spice Girls famously proclaimed, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”.

Our trusted friendships can see the scene from a more objective vantage point. It’s wise to get their take on the dating process, and use them for helpful vetting.

 

12. Don’t Make Any Impulsive Commitments

Evolution wants you to bond and reproduce. The neurochemicals in the brain while in the early stages of romance can play on our emotions and perspective. It causes us to be blind to the negative attributes of the person we are falling in love with. It is a specific stage of love that everyone in the early stages of dating needs to be aware of (for more information on the stages check out my blog, The 4 Stages of Love Every Couple Needs to Know)

Because we may be jaded by evolution’s desire to keep us together and reproduce, it can influence our decision making. There are no rules as to when to move in together, start a family, or get married – but it’s wise to pump the brakes. The romance stage often lasts 2-3 years. This can be a helpful marker to reassess the health and stability of a relationship.

 

13. Don’t Ignore The Red Flags 

Again, in the beginning of a relationship someone will be putting their best foot forward, and most likely want to skew their behavior towards the positive. So, especially in the beginning of a relationship, you want to scan for red flags. Identifying red flags early, or at any time, can save you heartache later.

If he keeps blowing off your dates but you catch him partying on Snapchat, it could be a foreshadowing to trust and commitment issues. Maybe it’s the second date and she invites herself over, eats your food without permission, and decides to redecorate your entry way – a possible sign of poor boundaries.

Some people don’t show their true colors for a while, so continue to keep an eye out for red flags as the relationship progresses.

 

14. Let Go Of The Fantasy You Can Change People

After just three dates, Gary tells Kate, “I’m not looking for anything serious”. Gary also seems to have a problem with alcohol and hasn’t had a serious relationship in 15 years. Kate might see this as a potential project, and that her love will change him overtime to be the man she thinks he can be.

When we are in love, and want to continue the relationship, we tend to ignore the contradictory messages we’re getting. We hold firm to the belief that “love conquers all” and that these messages are nothing to worry about.

In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being. So Gary is not only sending a message about his inability to commit, but also his disinterest in mutually fulfilling Kate’s needs for a long term, committed partnership.

 

Creating the Perfect Love

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” -Tom Robbins

Yes, dating can be stressful, I liken it to trying to find a job after college – you send out countless resumes which lead to countless rejections and a thought of “I will NEVER find a job”.

But all it takes is one person, one moment, one chance you almost didn’t take, to find that person. It’s helpful to remind yourself of these realities and to HAVE FUN WHILE DOING IT.

I’m sure in hindsight many partnered people wish they weren’t so stressed out with the process and instead enjoyed the ride.

It’s also important to remember the wisdom in the quote above. There is no such thing as a perfect lover. Yes, there are ones better suited for you than others, but this is only a small part of what it takes to create the perfect love with whomever you choose.

A client of mine uses a fantastic metaphor for dating, which she got from the show House Hunters. The couple on the show were looking for their dream house, and every house had something the wife could find wrong with it. She didn’t like the curtains, the floors, the countertops. The host of the show asked the wife, “does this house have at least 85% of the things you wanted”? The wife replied, “well yes it does”. The host smiled and said, “then this is your dream house”.

We need to keep our priorities in mind while dating, but not become attached to ALL of them. If the walls, roofs, and foundation of the house are what you need, then the curtains can be looked over.

Hopefully the tips in this article will provide more structure and confidence to the sometimes daunting process of dating. Go back and find the tips that resonate the most, and put them into practice. Good luck, and remember to have fun with it.

 

 

 

 

Dating By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

The Dating Playbook: 13 Things To Do Before You Start Dating

In my practice, I have the privilege of joining clients in their pursuit of finding and keeping romance. If someone wishes to find a life partner, I believe it to be one of the most important decisions that person will make. Especially in today’s society (often by default) your partner will become your best friend, lover, primary support, and emergency contact on all medical forms. They are the person you choose to be with more than anyone else, the person that connects you to yourself, world, and future.

We should not take the process in finding this person lightly. Whether you are just starting to date, getting out of a long term relationship, or finally committing to seriously dating after many years of singlehood – being proactive about how you go about it can drastically impact your fate.

I have compiled a few dating tips straight from the therapy room. They are broken into separate articles, each tackling different aspects of the process.

The Dating Playbook: You’re Here!

The Dating Playbook: 14 Tips For The Dating Life

The Dating Playbook: 16 Ways To Bounce Back From Break Ups and Rejection

 


1. Start to Clean Your Side of the Fence

Imagine opening a screen door that leads to a backyard. You peer out to see a yard full of scattered lawn chairs, gardening equipment, and aimless trash that’s blown in from the back alley. ‘What a mess!’ you think, ‘who would want to spend their time here?’

Before we date, we must take the time to look at our backyard. Except instead of lawn chairs and trash – it’s the stories, beliefs, relationships, trauma, rejections, memories, and behaviors that keep us from welcoming the love we deserve into our side of the fence.

Without taking the time to consciously clean our side of the fence, we become victims to the agendas of the past. Without even knowing it, we can say we want certain things for our love life while the trash in the back has other ideas.

Your “stuff” may be difficult to change and take years to grasp and heal. The key here is to have a good idea of what haunts us from the past and bring it to consciousness while dating (and letting go of what we can). It’s about starting the process of understanding and healing the past.

 

2. Heal and Change Your Beliefs About Relationships

“We confuse love with familiarity”

Your internalized beliefs about relationships are one of the main areas to explore on your side of the fence. For the most part, all of us have some emotional trap from our past. Formed early in life, these beliefs were passively imprinted into our psyche from interactions with family, teachers, and peers. Later in life, they impact who we pick in our romantic relationships as they guide our decisions to fit old models of relating.

For instance, someone that had a demanding mother who required a lot of attention and care, forms a belief that their needs aren’t important and tends to put themselves second in relationships. To confirm this belief, they might attract a narcissistic partner.

Review the examples of common relational beliefs and see if any resonate:

“I’m not good enough; I’m unlovable.”
“I have to please others in order to get my needs met.”
“People always leave me.”
“People hurt and manipulate me.”
“No one is there for me.”
“I need to help or fix others.”

It’s a slow, deliberate process to change these beliefs. Most importantly, you have to be motivated to change, and acknowledge that they are no longer helpful and are inhibiting you from having a fulfilling relationship. The specific ways to change them vary, and you may need assistance from a professional.


3. Study Your Patterns

If you’ve been in relationships in the past, you can usually start to see patterns. Even if you haven’t been in many relationships, that is a pattern in itself – or maybe you can at least see patterns in those who you’re attracted to.

Take inventory of ALL your previous relationships. Draw a timeline on a large piece of paper and plot each relationship throughout the lifespan. I would also suggest adding your parents to the timeline. Write down specifics about each relationship, for example:

What attracted you to him/her?
How long did it last?
What lead to the breakup?
How did we generally interact?
What was most frustrating about him/her?
How did you act differently with him/her then with your friends?
How did emotional and sexual intimacy progress?

Did you sexualize your need for love? In general, what can I observe about my sexual behaviors with each partner?
For the most part, how did I feel while I was with him/her?
Did I feel safe with him/her?
How did this person remind you of a previous relationship, how was it familiar (friend, parent, ex-lover)?
How would the relationship rank in having healthy relationship traits? (Such as: shared values, flexibility, mutual respect, healthy boundaries, communication, and interdependence.)


4. Identify Your Dating Strengths and Challenges.

Strengths– Write a list of all the things you bring to a relationship. This will especially be handy when you feel any sudden rush of inadequacy. Keeping your strengths in mind will allow you to comfortability review your weaknesses. It will also give you a reasonable measure of what you can offer, helping avoid too much “dating down”.

Challenges– It isn’t enough to love someone, there are practical aspects of finding a life partner that go beyond their natural affinity for you. Let’s say you’re a guy that has no job, lives at home, has no friends, and has poor personal hygiene. You get frustrated when the supermodel CEO doesn’t return your call. It induces some shame, but hopefully a healthy shame – one that sparks an honest look at what you can actually offer another person.

Or, perhaps you feel confident in what you have to offer, but are hindered by a deathly fear of rejection. You avoid dating, and have debilitating anxiety with just the thought of approaching someone to ask them out. You now have a choice to let this anxiety continue to control your life, or do something about it. Find ways to build your confidence, such as intentionally exposing yourself to multiple rejections. Here are some more examples of the obstacles I commonly see:

• Complicated family dynamics: taking care of a parent, enmeshed with family member.
• Stuck in old habits of lifestyle: Not wanting to let go or change aspects of the single life.
• Mental or emotional challenges: persistent depression, social anxiety, recent death of a loved one.
• Lack of resources: Low funds for dates.
• Lack of access to singles: refuse to go on dating apps, work from home, lack of social network.

 

5. Know How You Attach

There is much to say about how our attachment styles affect our relationships. The cliff notes version goes something like this:

• There are four types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.
• Depending on your history, you will lean (if not fully embody) at least of the attachment styles.
• When you become emotionally intimate with someone, your style of attachment starts to expose itself.
• Your style of attachment will affect things like: comfort with intimacy,
communication, general behavior in relationship.
• How you and your partner’s attachment style interact inside the relationship, deeply impacts the health, longevity, and fulfillment of that relationship.

To figure out your attachment style, you can take a short quiz online or read more about each type. Read the book Attached, especially if you suspect being anything other than secure.

 

6. Reflect on Why You are Dating

Your motivation for dating can have a major impact on your romance-seeking success. Here are some common examples for why people date that may leave them vulnerable to settling or poor decision making:

• Fear of being alone.
• Biological clock is ticking.
• “All my friends are married”
•A relationship will make me happy.
• Parents are hounding me for grandchildren.

I am not trying to minimize these factors, they can help add energy and conscious action to dating – but their presence can, at times, negativity impact your approach.

 

7. Assess Your Mating Market

Evolutionary psychology shows us how peculiar the common dating strategies are in today’s culture. Thousands of years ago, it was more common to find a mate within your tribe, rarely would someone mate with an outsider. This is contradictory to meeting complete strangers in a crowded bar.

Instead of focusing on the crowded bar, think about your social circle. Expanding the amount of people you come in contact within more intimate settings such as meetups, work, sport leagues, and other general interests creates a greater realistic dating market.

Another valid angle, is looking at where you live. The goal is to meet singles of the gender you desire as well as matching them with your personal values and goals. If you live in the middle of Iowa in a small, predominantly religious community but have conflicting values and low access to singles, it might be wise to consider moving to a more viable dating market.

 

8. Start a Meditation Practice

As I’ve highlighted thus far, so much of what holds us back in our relationships (and dating) is influenced by the unconscious mind. This part of the brain is difficult to change, but absolutely possible. New research promoting neuroplasticity (that our brain has the ability to change throughout our lives) leaves us hope that we can change these deep-seated reactions to love and intimacy.

Mindfulness and meditation allow us a better chance to slow down these reactions, bring them to consciousness, and change our emotional reaction and behavior. Through diligent practice, we can find ourselves relating in new informed ways.

For more information on rewiring the brain and useful meditation exercises for relationships check out the book, Rewire Your Brain For Love by Marsha Lucas PhD.

 

9. Make a List Before Going to the Grocery Store

There’s a big difference entering a grocery store with a list of items than a random trip with no direction. It’s amazing how so many people will fail to write a list of items that they are looking for before entering the grocery store of dating.

Take the time to explore what you’re searching for in a relationship. Some examples are: shared values such as starting a family, mutual respect, emotional connection, love of travel, and same religious affiliation. These can be easily forgotten in the heat of a new relationship.

Write an extensive list and prioritize the items. You can even create categories such as – “Needs” and “Nice to Have’s“. With the list in mind, the trip to the grocery store becomes quicker, more efficient, less stressful, and reduces aimless wandering.

 

10. Visualize

We are used to defining ourselves by our past, and if love has eluded us in the past, it could be difficult to imagine what this new life would even look like. When we create a vision of what we want, we start to feel a greater sense of drive towards those things.

With visualization, the future begins to direct our decisions and state of being instead of the past. Someone that’s committed to finding a loving, mature, and fulfilling relationship is different than the person who is acting from the vision of failed relationships and outdated beliefs about love.

Integrate visualization with your meditation practice. Let your mind imagine what you want life to look like, feeling it fully, while also surrendering to the attachment of that outcome.

 

11. Have a Release Ceremony

Now that you have identified your unhelpful and outdated beliefs, heartbreaks, and patterns it’s time to release them. Of course – some of these things may take longer to fully heal – but letting go of the past is a key component of fully committing to the process of finding love.

Take a sheet of paper and write down “I release” at the top. Below, write the list of things you are willing to completely surrender today. These could be:

• The remnants or resentments of a former lover.
• A belief such as, “I’m unlovable”.
• An expectation from a family member to marry a specific type of person.
• A fear, such as ‘fear of rejection’.

After making the list, it’s time to let it go, and get creative. Here are some ideas:

• Wash it away with water (down the toilet, put the pieces in a river).
• Burned up by fire (Burn in a fireplace, burn it and put ashes down sink).
• Put it in the earth (Bury it in a park).
• Tear it up (through it in a trash can, stomp on the pieces).
• Blown away by the wind (Throw it off a cliff in to the wind).

Feel the emotional release of letting go of these psychological weights. Feel free to scream, cry, or simply smile as a sense of freedom and readiness for new love enters your being.

 

12. Buy a Dating Journal

Committing to keeping a journal of your dating journey serves as a designated place to record things like your priorities, anxieties, and post-date reflections. It’s also an efficient way to refer back to see unforeseen patterns that may be holding you back.

Keeping a journal may be cumbersome at first, but it can help you remain grounded and reduce blind spots.

 

13. Gauge Your Readiness
You may say you’re ready to meet your soulmate and live happily ever after, but your emotions may have a different agenda. It happens more than you’d think, one part of you wants it more than anything, and another is saying “hell no”. Dating is a responsible choice. 

To test this, close your eyes and imagine meeting the person of your dreams, they have all the qualities you say you’re looking for, and is ready to commit to you for the long term. Turn your attention to your body, notice the emotions that come up. Be on the lookout for fear, anxiety, or a shutdown response. These indicate there is an emotional belief blocking your goal. Continue to be curious about this response and figure out the emotional message, then work to clear this the best you can before wholeheartedly committing to dating.

And let’s face it, some people may never be cut out for relationships. They may not be relationship-oriented or have the motivation to do the work that’s necessary to be ready. This is an important reminder for those that believe anyone could be a viable long term partner, that’s simply not true.


Let the Process Continue…
Now that you’ve gotten a grasp of your past, changed some beliefs, and let go of the things holding you back – its’ time to jump in the dating pool.

The next article covers the tips for while you’re actively dating. The following article covers how to cope and move on from ghosting, rejection, and unrequited love.