The Dating Playbook: 14 Tips For The Dating Life

In my practice, I have the privilege of joining clients in their pursuit of finding and keeping romance. If someone wishes to find a life partner, I believe it to be one of the most important decisions that person will make. Especially in today’s society (often by default) your partner become your best friend, lover, primary support, and emergency contact on all medical forms. They are the person you choose to be with more than anyone else, the person that connects you to yourself, world, and future. 

We should not take the process in finding this person lightly. Whether you are just starting to date, getting out of a long-term relationship, or finally committing to seriously dating after many years of singledom – being proactive about how you go about it can drastically impact your fate. 

I have compiled a few dating tips straight from the therapy room. They are broken up into separate articles, each tackling a different aspect of the process. 

The Dating Playbook: 13 Things To Do Before You Start Dating 

The Dating Playbook: You’re Here!

The Dating Playbook: 16 Ways To Bounce Back From Break Ups and Rejection

 

1. Make a Pre-Date Protocol

Before leaving for a date, it’s wise to have a pre-date ritual. What you do for this ritual all depends on your specific needs. Here are some ideas:

• Check in with how you feel.
• Set intentions for the date. “I intend to have fun, take deep breaths, and only have 2 glasses of wine.”
• Call or text a friend for support.
• Check your outfit for how comfortable and confident you feel.
• Review your list of dating boundaries, priorities, common triggers, and mantras.
• Listen to music that promotes your desired feeling: confidence, sexiness, authenticity, etc.

 

2. Make a Post-Date Protocol

It’s helpful to have a pre-date protocol, but the post-date protocol might be more important. If it’s late and you’ve had a few drinks, it might be best to do it the morning after. Think about the things you’ve learned about yourself in the realm of dating/relationships and create a quick protocol to take an honest assessment of yourself, the other person, and the date itself. Perhaps it’s just a few questions:

• How do I feel around this person?
• Can I think of any potential red flags so far?
• Where do our values align so far?
• What were two things that I thought went well, and what’s one thing I would have changed?
• How does this person align or not align with some of my old negative patterns of dating?
• Is this someone I should invest in emotionally?
• Is he/she capable of giving me what I need?
• How much is this person capable of intimacy?

Asking yourself these types of questions empowers you to take more control of the process. Instead of asking questions like, “Does this person like me?”, you’re focusing on the questions that will impact your happiness in a potential relationship.

Also important, keep in mind how many times you’ve been out with this person as you assess; a red flag that you’ve seen once is much different than one you’ve seen 14 times in 10 dates.

 

 3. Answer These 5 Questions 

The following questions were created by psychologist and author, Keith Witt. They give us a general guideline for the types of questions we need to ask ourselves while in the dating process.

1. Is there an erotic polarity between me and this other person? We can’t deny the love affair component of a relationship. This is sparked by the masculine and feminine polarity that exists between two people. Check in with yourself and determine if the person elicits this polarity within you. 
2. Does this person maintain their physical and psychological health? This doesn’t mean they need to be going to therapy once a day and running marathons. It’s about the other person taking a reasonable interest and responsibility in taking care of themselves.
3. If there was a conflict, does this person have the willingness and ability to get back to love? Being able to repair disconnection caused by conflict or lack-there-of, is a central component to long term success in relationship. Actively gauge the person’s willingness in their commitment to work through issues as they arise. This is a sign of their motivation to develop full intimacy.
4. Would this person show up appropriately for a child or family member? Depending on this person for support is another central component of lasting love. We need to be able to gauge their ability to do this with others, and in turn – ourselves.
5. Does this person have something larger than themselves, something sacred that they are committed to? And do they respect or even admire what’s sacred to me? This question gets us to think about our (and their) missions, goals, and values. Does this person respect what I care about? Does this person have their own thing that I can support and gives them purpose outside the relationship?

*Additional Questions –

1. Can this person focus on you and respond to your needs?
2. Does this person love you sanely – rather than need you desperately?
3. Are you happy together more than half the time?
4. Does he/she keep their agreements?
5. Can you share with this person what troubles, , excites, or delights you?
6. Do you feel loved in the special way that is unique to you, do you feel is bodily?

Having these types of questions top of mind allows a more efficient process while dating. You’ll be more astute when there might be a polarity of sexual tension, but see that they don’t seem to take care of their physical health, or are not always the best at showing up for their family members.

 

4. Survey Their Values 

As a couples’ counselor, I see relationships torn apart for not a lack of love and chemistry, but rather their value system. She wants kids, he doesn’t. He loves camping every month, she hates bugs. He’s religious, she wants nothing to do with it. Of course, some of these can sometimes be compromised on while in a thriving relationship, but everyone has some non-negotiables when it comes to their life goals and dreams.

Write down all your current personal values and life goals. Keep these in mind as you pursue the dating pool. While dating someone, don’t let your emotions gloss over their value system. Our infatuation can blind us from the future problems that can arise from an incongruence in values.

 

5. Maintain Good Self Care 

You will be better prepared to enter the jungles of the dating world if you are mentally and physically healthy. Maintain an exercise schedule, healthy diet, strong support system, and adequate sleep. Dating can be a mental and emotional roller coaster, so maintaining these healthy habits increases your resilience and stability throughout the process (and doesn’t hurt with your attractiveness, either).

 

 6. Beware of Too Much Choice 

Most singles have flocked to the dating apps and websites. These resources have their pros and cons. Of course, these apps give us access to more people, especially useful in our increasingly isolated culture – but they also leave us vulnerable to too much choice.

It’s been a well-studied phenomenon that people are more likely to make a choice if presented with less options. We can be overwhelmed by the amount of choices, and can have more regret after making a decision.

My favorite analogy is the cereal aisle. If there were only three choices of cereal your commitment to that particular cereal is likely to be higher than with 50 options. With more options, we are more likely to question our choice, longing for those other cereals you didn’t pick.

 

7. Seek Friendship

Long term relationships that remain stable for the long haul usually have a strong sense of friendship. Friendship is comprised of a mutual respect, and a desire to want to spend time with the other person. It could also include ability to laugh/play together, dynamic conversations, and some similar interests. Couples that have a relationship solely based on things like sex without friendship will be less likely to succeed.

If you don’t enjoy hanging out with the person, you’ll be in for a heap of trouble. This is someone that you’ll probably be hanging out with THE MOST. It’s wise to select someone you can more than tolerate while living together, traveling, and going on dates.

 

8. Know Your Limits And Boundaries

When entering the jungles of the dating world, remind yourself of what you will or will not accept in terms of your own and people’s behavior. Setting intentions about your dating boundaries is a form of self-care, and can help you from getting burnt out, compromise your values, or hang on to someone for too long. If someone continues to disrespect your boundaries, that could be enough evidence for the rightful termination of the relationship.

 

9. Seek Without Seeking – Wu Wei 

“I will prepare myself and someday my chance will come.” -Abraham Lincoln

Wu Wei is a philosophical concept from Taoism. It teaches us to be at peace with the natural flow of nature, to not resist what is, but also meet it with effortless action. The School of Life calls it a “wise and strategic passivity”.

Applied to dating, being in a state of Wu Wei allows us to seek without seeking. It lets us relax a little bit in the pursuit of “the one”. If we become too engrossed by the pursuit of finding a partner, we get in the way of the natural flow of life that may be already bringing this person to us.

Using this philosophical attitude, we find the balance between high involvement and intention, but with low attachment to the outcome, a kind of active allowing. Lowering our attachment decreases the negative emotions with failed attempts, and reduces its impact on overall happiness.

 

10. Be Prepared to Effectively Communicate

Some people are naturally better than others at communicating their needs in the beginning of a relationship; this can feel extremely vulnerable. But when you effectively communicate your needs early on it can lead to feeling more confident, assertive, and competent while dating. For someone that wants to have children ASAP it could scare some suitors away, sure, but it also displays clarity in your needs and reduces wasted time for you and them.

If you get the response you wanted then you know this person is willing to meet the need you expressed. If they ignore it, demean you, or ghost you, they just gave you a pretty clear answer. Here are some effective communication tips:

• Use “I” statements.
• Communicate after your emotions are settled.
• Strike when the iron is cold (E.g. it might not be best to assert yourself when the other person isn’t stressed from a long day at work).
• Try not to blame the other person. Take responsibility for your needs.
• Be specific, people can’t read your mind.
• If you are not used to this type of communication, write down what you intend to say beforehand.

 

11. Use The Spice Girls Test

As we become swept away by the love drug neurochemicals and possibility adhering to our outdated love maps, our judgment can become clouded. It’s sometimes difficult to be objective in the throes of a prospective romance.

I must confess, “the Spice Girls test” was referenced by a client of mine and I’ve used it ever since. The Spice Girls famously proclaimed, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”.

Our trusted friendships can see the scene from a more objective vantage point. It’s wise to get their take on the dating process, and use them for helpful vetting.

 

12. Don’t Make Any Impulsive Commitments

Evolution wants you to bond and reproduce. The neurochemicals in the brain while in the early stages of romance can play on our emotions and perspective. It causes us to be blind to the negative attributes of the person we are falling in love with. It is a specific stage of love that everyone in the early stages of dating needs to be aware of (for more information on the stages check out my blog, The 4 Stages of Love Every Couple Needs to Know)

Because we may be jaded by evolution’s desire to keep us together and reproduce, it can influence our decision making. There are no rules as to when to move in together, start a family, or get married – but it’s wise to pump the brakes. The romance stage often lasts 2-3 years. This can be a helpful marker to reassess the health and stability of a relationship.

 

13. Don’t Ignore The Red Flags 

Again, in the beginning of a relationship someone will be putting their best foot forward, and most likely want to skew their behavior towards the positive. So, especially in the beginning of a relationship, you want to scan for red flags. Identifying red flags early, or at any time, can save you heartache later.

If he keeps blowing off your dates but you catch him partying on Snapchat, it could be a foreshadowing to trust and commitment issues. Maybe it’s the second date and she invites herself over, eats your food without permission, and decides to redecorate your entry way – a possible sign of poor boundaries.

Some people don’t show their true colors for a while, so continue to keep an eye out for red flags as the relationship progresses.

 

14. Let Go Of The Fantasy You Can Change People

After just three dates, Gary tells Kate, “I’m not looking for anything serious”. Gary also seems to have a problem with alcohol and hasn’t had a serious relationship in 15 years. Kate might see this as a potential project, and that her love will change him overtime to be the man she thinks he can be.

When we are in love, and want to continue the relationship, we tend to ignore the contradictory messages we’re getting. We hold firm to the belief that “love conquers all” and that these messages are nothing to worry about.

In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being. So Gary is not only sending a message about his inability to commit, but also his disinterest in mutually fulfilling Kate’s needs for a long term, committed partnership.

 

Creating the Perfect Love

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” -Tom Robbins

Yes, dating can be stressful, I liken it to trying to find a job after college – you send out countless resumes which lead to countless rejections and a thought of “I will NEVER find a job”.

But all it takes is one person, one moment, one chance you almost didn’t take, to find that person. It’s helpful to remind yourself of these realities and to HAVE FUN WHILE DOING IT.

I’m sure in hindsight many partnered people wish they weren’t so stressed out with the process and instead enjoyed the ride.

It’s also important to remember the wisdom in the quote above. There is no such thing as a perfect lover. Yes, there are ones better suited for you than others, but this is only a small part of what it takes to create the perfect love with whomever you choose.

A client of mine uses a fantastic metaphor for dating, which she got from the show House Hunters. The couple on the show were looking for their dream house, and every house had something the wife could find wrong with it. She didn’t like the curtains, the floors, the countertops. The host of the show asked the wife, “does this house have at least 85% of the things you wanted”? The wife replied, “well yes it does”. The host smiled and said, “then this is your dream house”.

We need to keep our priorities in mind while dating, but not become attached to ALL of them. If the walls, roofs, and foundation of the house are what you need, then the curtains can be looked over.

Hopefully the tips in this article will provide more structure and confidence to the sometimes daunting process of dating. Go back and find the tips that resonate the most, and put them into practice. Good luck, and remember to have fun with it.