Category: <span>Couples</span>

Couples Men's Work Relationships By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

25 Ways Men can Prevent Gender Differences From Sabotaging Their Modern Marriage

We are at a point in history that women are increasingly less happy in their marriages. Consider the fact that, of the educated women in the U.S. who divorce, the wife initiates 90% of those divorces.

There are a variety of reasons that this is becoming more of the norm, but one factor from the world of psychology which is becoming more apparent is gender differences (or perhaps more appropriately, sex differences).

These gender differences have been developing throughout evolution for our survival. However, like most things, our genetics are still playing catch up to the modern world. The modern marriage, coupled with the gender equality movements are highlighting these gender differences for better or worse.

I understand that this is a sensitive subject. Even writing about this gives me cause for concern. However, as a couple’s counselor I see these gender differences everyday, and often when couples are armed with the knowledge of their biological differences they experience more healing and resolution.

I find that denying that they exist is more harmful than recognizing that they are real and impacting our relationships. It is not a thing of equality, but the awareness that we can be very different creatures.

Research confirms that these differences are far from some genetic determinism. Our psychology is still sensitive to developmental and socioecological contexts. This means that culture, family upbringing, and even exposure to hormones in our foods are factors in how someone presents as male, female, or otherwise.

This article is specifically geared more towards men, due to the fact that women are more commonly the “lesser happy spouses” in marriages today. I find that men are often less educated on healthy relationships, and their biology puts them at a disadvantage when navigating their marriages and intimate relationships.

Furthermore, this article contains several common gender differences that I see frequently influence contention in relationships. Each concept contains a “What Men can DO” section. This is because men often work much better with concrete, actionable steps. This is key for women to remember when assuming that the expression of their thoughts and feelings will teach men how to then meet these needs; when in reality, they don’t have a clue.

**Information found in this article is based on select research, which approaches the gender differences as group averages, NOT individual differences. This means of course that none of the material is under the assumption that ALL men and woman are the same.

 

“We need to talk about this” vs. Shutdown/Avoid/Defend

In my experience, the most common goal stated within the first session of couples counseling is “we need better communication”. Most often it’s the woman that asserts this complaint. Communication has many facets, but core gender differences are a fundamental deterrent to healthy communication.

Harvard researchers found that infant males got emotionally charged quicker than the infant females; the boys also took longer to calm down. Other studies have found this gender difference to be a constant throughout the lifespan. (sorry ladies)

Research also has shown that from an early age, girls’ verbal (and nonverbal relational skills) tend to be superior to young boys. Then to top it off, adult men tend to speak less in private. One study found that men say 3X as many words in public than in private, and women say 3X as many words in private than in public.

Men’s biology gets in the way of having healthy conflict. When faced with difficult emotion, their fight/flight/freeze response tends to be more sensitive than women. This translates into men’s most common behaviors during a marital conflict of shutdown (freeze), walking away/avoidance (flight), and defensiveness (fight).

Once in this emotional state, men’s frontal lobe goes offline, and thus less likely to think clearly, empathize, self-reflect, and are more likely to have destructive impulses. Because of this difference, men are more likely to see their partner’s complaints (or concerns for that matter) as personal attacks. 

Women on the other hand, with higher levels of oxytocin and a differing brain structure, can sit in interpersonal conflict much easier. Then, find it difficult to understand when her partner quickly shuts down or walks away. They become increasingly frustrated with their male partner’s inability to sit with their distress.

Another reason men tend to get charged up so fast is that their body often appraises the discussion as a something they will either win or lose. The testosterone in a man doesn’t like losing. It can emotionally turn into a battle in which most women have no such desire to participate; they above all are looking for empathy, understanding, and resolve.

What Men can DO:

1. Internally reframe conflict as a necessary and inevitable occurrence in meeting her needs and increasing emotional intimacy and safety within the relationship.

2. Understand that your body and mind will likely escalate into a reactive state. Be mindful of your body’s physical response, as this is the most fundamental clue to your emotional state. Understand your own triggers in communication and how this disconnects you from your partner. Learn ways to listen and stay present to the best of your abilities.

3. If on a scale of 1-10 of emotional distress, you’re escalating past a 6-7, respectfully remove yourself. After taking a time-out, practice using various skills to let your emotions subside (remember this typically takes longer for males). However, if using the timeout, you MUST initiate a reengagement. If not, she will start to not trust you with her emotional world, a recipe for long-term insidious disconnection.

4. Consider the complaints if they’re presented.  Women tend to have a much better temperature of the relationship (and perhaps of you), use this to your advantage and within time consider her points when emotions have settled. Your partner can often be a great mirror to see your places of personal and relational growth. A difficult balance when you need to consider at the same time your own truth, boundaries, and needs. That being said, the complaints are often not cut and dry. If she’s upset about you not replacing the paper towel roll we all know its not about the paper towels, its about some deeper, more global attribute or an angst that exists somewhere else in the relationship.

5. Understand that it’s not about winning or losing. This doesn’t mean you can’t express your disagreements and true intentions. Practice putting your ego aside and embrace the avoided, uncomfortable feelings such as humility, healthy shame, and remorse. Above all, take some responsibility.

6. Search for the proactive things you can do to meet her needs, or if need of clarification, make a request for her to reframe her concerns into more concrete ideas. Although, you must then follow through if you say you’ll do something. Nothing is more unattractive and destabilizing to her trust in you.

7. Utilize loving reassuring statements, physical touch, and a soft tone.

 

Romance vs. Sex

“The success of romantic relationships is largely dependent on ongoing sexual interplay – from flirting to climax and back again. As the male meets the females’ need for romantic connection, she responds sexually, meeting his deepest need, and so they go round and round in a feedback loop that replenishes itself.” –Kathryn Foster, Ph.D.

Men typically come equipped with higher amounts of the hormone testosterone. Testosterone is known to be linked to the will to win, aggression, pursue goals, seek power and money, and sex. As it pertains to sex, the hormone allows a man to feel aroused and desire for sex more readily.

The presence of estrogen in females increases the hormone oxytocin, which stimulates empathy, nurturing behavior, and emotional/physical bonding (Romance).

Thus, men having more testosterone than estrogen are sometimes less equipped to reap the benefits of oxytocin for relationship building.  Consequentially, with an increase in sexual arousal in men, oxytocin is even more limited.

From a biological standpoint, when men feel stress, testosterone peaks and sex becomes a release of that stress. After sex, men get a heavy dose of oxytocin. Sex in this way becomes one of men’s primary ways to connect in a relationship, a top priority in general. Some say that for men, physical experiences (like sex) tend to be more meaningful (Just think about sports, home projects, conquering lands, etc).

Women may feel the desire for sex, but their arousal isn’t always as available. Their motivation for sex tends to be ramped up by emotional closeness, romance, masculine/feminine polarity, and nonsexual touch. Sex for women becomes an integrated part of the whole relationship, as opposed to men where sex can more easily be compartmentalized. For some women, their evolution has made romance a much higher priority.

When sex is optimized for both genders, it’s an essential component of a healthy relationship. If not, it can be an insidious issue that can slowly erode the stability of the relationship. During the first few years of being together, mother nature makes sex an automatic priority, after that, many relationships have to then work on their sexual harmony.

What men can DO:

8. Expect your biology will want to skip foreplay, non-sexual touch, and emotional intimacy. Open conversations about sex; explore her preferred modes of foreplay and arousal. Expend conscious effort to DO those things to the best of your ability.

9. Be mindful of how you’re adding value to the partnership. Things like completing household duties will typically increase your partner’s emotional connection leading to more openness to sex.

10. Put effort into romance; start to better understand what helps build emotional connection and intimacy with your specific partner.

11. Foster an environment where she can access her feminine side, and your masculine. A good sex life can be fueled by the passionate magnetic pull of the masculine and feminine polarity.

12. Learn conflict resolution skills to clear the emotional air after conflict. Also, if either partner has harbored resentments over the years, work to heal them. Having sex, (one of the more intimate activities) without feeling safe and connected emotionally can foster feelings of angst and disgust instead of deep intimacy.

13. Finding ways to bring her into the present moment and co-regulate her emotions by using playfulness, humor, and appropriate levels of assertiveness to can help to relax her, increasing sexual desire.

 

Felt vs. Fixed

 To add to the communication disconnect, many are aware of the common gender difference of men wanting to fix their partners rather than allow them to feel felt. Let’s take a closer look…

The female brain has a larger corpus callosum and anterior commissure. These brain structures allow for more communication between the left and right (facts and feelings) hemispheres of the brain.

Because these areas of the brain are smaller in men, it leaves them at a disadvantage when engaging in communicating about the emotional component of the conversation. They are more likely to live in the left (facts) side of the brain.

When men see women in distress, they’re even more likely to move away from the emotional and into the analytical. They start to dwell on the facts and solution finding during the conversation. They find it difficult to stay with the emotional message and just want to know the bottom line so that they can DO something about the distress.

Women are typically designed to crave the interpersonal and emotional connection with their partners. When communicating, this tends to be accomplished when women feel felt, understood, and validated in what they experience, the problem is that it’s usually the emotional experience they want to be validated, an experience that men are less acutely aware.

This becomes one of the largest frustrations for the genders, one is desperately seeking validation and emotional comfort while one is drifting off into an analytical fix-it land.

What men can DO:

14. Become mindful of your brain pulling you into solution finding and learn to engage differently with her distress. Be engaged as you possibly can muster, while utilizing reflective listening, and genuine compassionate curiosity. See it as more of a challenge and opportunity than something to tolerate. Same goes for the more  “positive” emotions like excitement, joy, or love; better understanding her (and your) emotional world will allow clues to her deepest truths and enhance connection.

15. Practice putting on your relationship hat. Many people have demanding jobs that require them to “put out fires”, engage in problem-solving, and steamroll past emotions to get bottom line results. These qualities may be useful at work and other areas of life but not in your relationship. Create a mental and emotional ritual of consciously removing your workday hat and put on your relationship hat. Over time this will become more unconscious.

16. A popular concept in counseling is “riding the wave” of emotion. This is based on the concept that emotions rise to a peak, and then slowly dissipate. If managed correctly, emotions typically last no longer than 2-3 minutes. Use this in the context of her emotion. Ride the wave with her, so when she’s back on shore you’re right beside her, instead of fuming with anger throwing beach chairs, completely disconnected with her.

17. Work on your emotional intelligence. Practice surveying your own emotional world so that when the time comes you can better connect with what your partner is experiencing (empathy). If you truly can’t understand, that’s OK, you don’t have to… just take the moment to enter her world the best you can.

18. Remember that emotion can distort our thinking. If you or she are experiencing intense emotion, don’t take what you or your partner is saying too seriously. Getting caught up in the spoken word is often less important than the emotional dance. 

19. Allow your solutions and facts to enter when the time is right or has been requested. The key is that when your partner feels understood first, they will then be more likely to listen to your point of view. Your solutions and facts, at the right time, can add value and balance to her world.

 

Shared Activity vs. Relationship Building 

Men have a common need for side-by-side shared activity in their relationships. Just take for example their male friendships, usually spent playing/watching a sport/game.

Compared to most women, who you’ll find sitting face-to-face, with sustained eye contact, sitting close together and speaking about intimate personal issues, emotions, and people. Their biology tends to be more interested in creating intimate bonds and enhancing their relationships.

This gender difference can cause havoc in a marriage, as each party places value on different ways of bonding within the relationship.

What men can DO:

20. Explore shared activities that you know you’ll both enjoy AND make sure to engage in some light discussion about the activity afterwards. Such middle ground activities could be a workout class, dancing, skiing, or even a puzzle.

21. Find activities that can be done with other couples, so that on occasion, each gender can have a similar counterpart to get their needs met during the activity.

22. Cultivate your own male friendships aside from the marriage that provides a much-needed outlet so that you don’t place all responsibility on your partner for the time of relationship bonding you desire. Today, it’s becoming even more common that men have very few if any individual male friendships. Research has shown that having deeper friendships outside their romantic partners provides happier, longer lasting relationships with their spouses.

 

Us vs. Me

One of the areas of the brain responsible for making dopamine (the feel-good hormone) is the ventral tegmental area. This area has been found to be more active in men.

“Dopamine is a selfish hormone, about your own fun, finding what interests you, pumping up for your next goal. Thus, compared to women, men are more about their own activities and goals and less about their relationships….Because testosterone encourages enterprising and stimulates the pursuing of goals, it causes a man to feel gratified living in his own plans more than in the relationship. Men can give only a limited part of themselves to a relationship for fear it will drain them of the energy and focus they need to succeed outside of it.”  -Kathyrn Foster Ph.D.

Not only that, but throw in the fact that men score lower on empathy tests; this lowers their ability to feel their partner’s needs, dreams, and values at the same depth.

Women, on the other hand, tend to naturally expend more effort into their relationships. They are more apt to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship.  They then can become frustrated, when the effort and motivation aren’t reciprocated, while he can be more interested in his own personal endeavors.

This isn’t to say that men can’t love, cherish, and appreciate their relationships. It just doesn’t always match his partner’s overall interest in the health of the partnership.

What men can DO:

23. Regularly survey the allocation of your energies in work, play, and romance. Make sure to maintain a healthy balance of effort and interest into all three. Work, in this sense, could also be translated to purpose. Make sure to not compromise your journey, mission, or purpose. This is what often fills you up, and if you surrender that part of your life too much, the relationship will suffer and you’ll most likely have less to then give to your intimate relationship.

24. John and Judy Gottman are leading researchers on couples therapy. They suggest that some of the happier couples find shared meaning throughout their lives. This involves how the couple prioritizes its resources and builds a life together creating shared meaning. The couple joins to make their own culture, breeding its own rituals, beliefs, mission, and legacy. If a man can sometimes be “me” oriented, the conscious creation of shared meaning with his partner is an avenue to incorporate each individual’s interests synergizing their relationship as they move through life together. It’s a practice of the ultimate compromise, a mutually gratifying win-win for both genders.

25. Reframe requests as, “If I do this, how can it also benefit me.” Then find the nugget of self-improvement that’s hidden in the request. So often people fail to see how the behavioral changes requested in a relationship can easily be reframed for personal value. It can change the attitude of “I have to do this” to “I want to do this”.

 

Progress not Perfection

Again, I want to emphasize these gender differences are far from black and white. For instance, I have seen countless times that the concepts shown in this article can easily be flipped; having the other gender act more like the other. My intention is that within some relationships, the exposure to these differences aid in alleviating some common relationship anguish.

We are rapidly evolving as a society; it is only natural that our relationships must evolve alongside it. Understanding our natural differences is necessary if we intend to thrive in our relationships for the long haul.

If this article resonated with you as a man, review the gender differences that relate most to your current areas of relationship growth. Consider the suggestions and create your own. Then readily ACT and PRACTICE the integration of them. Remember its progress, not perfection, especially in the realm of relationships.

 

Couples Couples Therapy By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

Keeping the “Fairy Tale” Alive: Maintaining a Happy Marriage

Most of us have seen the divorce statistics…50% of first marriages will end in divorce, as well as 75% of second and third marriages. For the ones that remain, many stay together just for the kids or maybe financial reasons. Thus, it’s safe to say that around 80% of married couples are unhappy despite their best intentions.

When you ask the 20% that are happy in their marriages, they often respond, “it takes hard work” -wow… sounds like a blast…

Then no one really teaches us what this “hard work” really is, or at the very least not make it sound like such a drag. This can leave couples feeling helpless and hopeless.

Of course every couple is unique, but there are a few key concepts that are shown to make a relationship not just tolerable but fresh, exciting, safe, and mutually fulfilling for the long haul.

Accept it WILL get Stale

“Relationship entropy” is a natural and expected phenomenon. This entropy happens when we naturally habituate and automate our relationships resulting in taking them for granted and investing less energy.

Additionally, it doesn’t help that our brain will eventually produce less of the neurochemicals that in the beginning of the relationship allowed us to have less conflict, more sex, and generally be obsessed with our partner.

Left alone, a relationship WILL start to decay naturally like any neglected garden. To keep a garden alive-and-well it’ll need consistent sunlight, ample water, fertile soil, and resilience in the face of storms and intruders. Any relationship should be seen as a living organism that requires constant attention and care.

Simply expecting this will increase conscious effort and reduce feelings of anxiety, failure, and inadequacy.

The trick is to bring this reality to daily awareness, and then invest energy into that awareness. It’s part of the responsibility that a relationship requires to be in any way fulfilling for the long haul.

Know Thy Self, Know Thy Partner

“Every strongly held opinion has a principle, dream, or desire at its core.” -Keith Witt

Keeping with the cheesy garden metaphor: we have to be educated on how to take care of the specific plants that inhabit our garden. How much sunlight do they need? Shade? Water?

Just like these plants, everyone is unique in their needs. Perhaps your previous partner didn’t care about your tone of voice discussing politics, but your current spouse goes into complete shutdown mode.

Every interaction, conversation, conflict, and strong held opinion holds clues about that specific person. Taking stock of this information will be necessary for how to be with this specific person, as well as how to communicate how they can be with you.

Investing energy into the relationship doesn’t do any good if you don’t know where to invest it.

*When discovering this information we often need to pay less attention to the words that are being communicated and rather follow the emotional crumbs to our partner’s deepest principles, insecurities, dreams, and desires. Asking open-ended questions, being curious/non-judgmental, and validating their perspectives allows more of this information to surface.

Repair, Repair, Repair

Relationships are often LOADED with conflict, miscommunication, and general tension. But of course it’s not how much conflict you have, it’s how well you manage it.

Repairing breakdowns in connection allows couples to return to a homeostasis, a clearing of the psychological and emotional air between the couple.  This should generally be done fast; leaving these breakdowns unattended leads to resentment, anxiety, anger, and insidious misery.

Even if you believe its not a big deal that you looked at your phone in the middle of dinner, if it causes a rupture in emotional connection between you and your partner, REPAIR it sooner than later. I’d say that most ruptures in connection could be resolved in less than a few minutes or even seconds, given the right approach.

Commitment Attitude

Research shows that longer marriages tend to have an underlying attitude of “we’ll do what it takes.” If something is wrong the couple will work on it together before threatening commitment.

Couples that put too many conditions on the relationship using verbiage of “if you can’t,” “I’ll stay as long as,” “I can’t be with someone who…” break down the safety and commitment within the relationship.

*Of course there are exceptions to this when couples feel that a significant boundary has been crossed and more of a conditional stance on the relationship is required before recommitting. 

Be Mindful of Defensive States

“In order to be in patterns of connection, we need to relax our survival responses, we can’t be in both.” -Deb Dana, LCSW

Most of us know the ‘Fight, Flight, or Freeze’ response that our ancestors needed to stay alive in the presence of danger. What people may not know, is that our brain needed that response for our most common threat….other people.

Throughout history the people around us were manipulative, vindictive, hurtful, domineering, and just straight up mean. We had to form psychological defenses to keep the deepest parts of us safe.

As a baby we are born with the emotional systems built in, but it’s the training grounds of childhood that determine how many and which kinds of defensive strategies we employ within our closest relationships.

Then, later in life we fall in love to eventually see this person as our new family. Our emotional defensive strategies that lay dormant from childhood begin to protect us from the one person that can hurt us the most. This of course can escalate conflict and lead to deterioration of marriages.

Being mindful of your own and partners favorite defense states may take time, but is necessary for long term satisfaction.

Incorporate all of these…

Many of the items on the following list illicit positive emotion which among many benefits acts as insulation to the marriage (and doesn’t have to feel like work at all). This insulation allows more of an emotional buffer when inevitable stressors impede the relationship.

  • Consistent appreciations
  • Taking interest in partner’s life
  • Sharing personal information
  • Rituals of connection
  • Curb your ego
  • Scheduled and spontaneous sex
  • Play
  • Make time for “Check-ins” (Example topics: finances, parenting, sex)
  • Consentual physical touch
  • Kissing (for longer than 1 second)
  • “I love you”s
  • Taking genuine pleasure in partner’s happiness
  • Make sure each partner feels respected
  • TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
  • Humor and lightness
  • Moments of 100% attention
  • Getaways
  • “Yeah, Ands” not “Yes, Buts”
  • PDA
  • Cuddling
  • Kindness goes a long way
  • Maintaining individuality
  • Reasonable Acceptance
  • Sincere apologies

Relationships can be complex and in no way does this blog represent an exhaustive account of what can keep a relationship alive and well, this is merely a primer to what a marriage could consider to have a chance of being the 20% of happy marriages that remain.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

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The 4 Stages of Love Every Couple Needs to Know

“Nature is fashioned of cycles and our lives are part of nature. Yet we try so hard to make love stay put, to make it stay the way it is or the way we want it to be. This is like expecting a rose to always be in full bloom, with no phases of budding or fading.” -David Richo

LUST/MATE SELECTION

It’s a Friday night; Wendy and Joe meet at the local bar for drinks. They just matched on Tinder a week prior. The lusting and mate selection stage is already in full effect.

Lusting is a short, and not always integral part of what can lead to the beginning of “love.” The lust emotional system is somewhat differentiated in the brain, this is why its easy for Wendy and Joe to still lust for someone else while in a loving relationship. It is also common that our lust map will steer us wrong in finding a suitable mate, so cannot always be trusted. Nevertheless, Wendy and Joe got lucky and they are both feeling a sense of lust.

They continue to chat on Tinder and go on a few dates as they are beginning to see each other as a possible mate. Wendy thinks, “Wow this Joe guy is PERFECT, he’s spontaneous, outgoing, and hilarious!” Joe is mutually invested, “She’s cute, witty, and we both love sushi… I can’t get enough of her!”

 

ROMANCE

“Love is merely a madness…”   – William Shakespeare

Wendy and Joe are off to the races, their attraction is palpable and they mutually have agreed to start their relationship.  Weeks go by as they smoothly transition into the romantic stage where their courtship remains stable without much effort, monogamy is relatively easy.

Wendy and Joe will continue to feel a sense of euphoria, excitement, and optimism. During this time any faults they may detect in the other seem insignificant, love is still “blind”. The brain gives you a dose of neurochemicals that doesn’t allow you to see the other person in complete reality, but how you wish them to be. Our brains have been hardwired to continue to see the partner through these rose-colored glasses for roughly the next 6 months to 3 years*.

*This is where most “love stories” will end. They often fail to show what happens next…

 

CONFLICT

Around two years removed from their kismet Tinder match their neurochemical rose-colored glasses are slowly being removed. Wendy and Joe are now forced to consider if the other person is equipped to be a life partner. Yikes…this is kind of a big deal…

All of sudden Wendy’s wittiness is kind of annoying to Joe. Wendy has now changed her perspective of Joe’s previously charming quality of spontaneity to thinking he’s a jerk with ADHD.

They start to argue more, have less sex, and out of nowhere they seem to be more opinionated in the proper way to wash dishes.

Wendy and Joe have entered the conflict stage, or some call it the “falling out of love” or “power struggle” stage. It’s when you come back to reality and see the other person in totality.

This is a normal and necessary stage all couples need to go through to successfully find ways to work out their differences, take stock of their life and relational goals, and slowly integrate into a more stable commitment for the long term.

This stage is also when partners will start see the others (and our own) “issues” more acutely. These issues typically arise from childhood family dynamics, relational traumas, personality, or general differences. The couple’s success in integrating these newfound contentions will play a large part in their long-term success as a couple.

People will often see this stage as a sign of not finding “the one” and will commonly divorce only to start the cycle over and over again. Sometimes they become more married to the feeling of the fairy tale love, rather than understand the true story of what “happily ever after” actually means.

It’s appropriate to feel grief at the end of the romance stage, the thrill is over. The difference is in how the couple responds to this grief. They can either wallow in the disappointment as blame, anger, and frustration takes over. Or the couple can embrace the grief together, allowing it to strengthen their bond.

However, the conflict stage is not always something to overcome. Perhaps the couple removes their rose colored glasses and sees that their values don’t align for future bonding, that the drinking problem is not slowing down, or someone is simply not interested in a long term partnership. It’s also important to keep in mind at this stage that people can vary genetically on their ability to love and maintain long-term bonding.

It can also be a good foreshadowing. Most couples that divorce say the things that lead to divorce were present before marriage and that it was their blind optimism that got in the way. So yes, we need to learn to manage our differences but also find our personal line of tolerance for our differences before commitment. People can change, but don’t always count on it.

 

INTIMATE BONDING/COMMITMENT

If Wendy and Joe don’t impulsively leave the relationship because of the stark emotional difference between the Romance and Conflict stages, they can find security and satisfaction in the intimate bonding/commitment stage. A stage that has also been called “true love” is still filled with its own inherent challenges, but nonetheless an achievement necessary to taste the fruits of long-term partnership.

At this stage their goal is to rebuild the relationship on the rich soil of wisdom, experience, and knowledge left over from the conflict stage (similar to the rich remains of autumn giving life and rebirth to the formation of spring).

This stage is marked with healthy interdependence (rather than dependence or domination), egoless acts of love, an attitude of commitment and cooperation, and the feeling of familial coherence.

To better ensure bonding, our brains will provide us with new neurotransmitters of oxytocin and vasopressin. However, the neurochemical makeup that caused us to initially be obsessed with our partner is now gone.

Even though this final stage seems like a relationship oasis, it doesn’t mean the couple now lives happily ever after without effort. This stage requires constant maintenance, as all relationships are subject to natural depreciation.

 

A Life of Stages…

Similar processes are found in nature as well as throughout human experience and culture. Take for instance the hero’s journey; the hero meets a point of struggle/conflict only to return home transformed into a more mature form. In our relationships we are encouraged to psychologically depart, embark in struggle, and return to the relationship within the walls of a more mature, egoless love.

It is also a similar process between child and caregiver. They enmesh after the baby is born almost if they’re the same person, a theory called “symbiosis” (similar to lust/romance stage). As the child becomes more aware of their individuality conflict ensues as the child discovers their world apart from the caregiver; a stage colloquially termed the terrible 2’s (conflict stage). This process of “differentiation” continues as the mother hopefully respects and allows the child to be its own person with the undercurrent of safety and secure attachment (intimate bonding/commitment).

Our lives are inevitably filled with phases, stages, chapters, etc. The more we resist these the more pain we may be inflicting on ourselves. Learning to embrace, accept, and integrate them is not a thing of weakness but recognition of our true nature. Find time this week to reflect on your current life stages. Consider areas such as career, aging, development, romance and friendships.

For more information on how to maintain the Commitment Stage check out my blog: Keeping the “Fairy Tale” Alive: Maintaining a Happy Marriage.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

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5 Lessons for the Conflict Avoidant Couple

Dave and Gina are newly married. It’s a Tuesday, and Dave had to stay late at work. Already irritated, he plops down in front of the TV without greeting his wife. Gina is annoyed; she hasn’t heard from Dave all day and now he didn’t even say hello!

Dave can already sense the negative sentiment from Gina in the air. He’s further triggered by her tone of voice but refuses to address it, as she avoids voicing her grievances to avoid a fight. They continue on with the evening as a small emotional seed has now been planted. Ten more Tuesdays go by as resentment, anger, and fear continue to build and drive them further apart.

A hundred Tuesdays later, Dave and Gina are so defeated and miserable they are both secretly contemplating divorce.

Gina and Dave would be considered a “Conflict Avoidant” couple at this stage.

Signs that conflict was overdue for Gina and Dave:

  1. Underlying resentment, anger, and frustration.
  2. Emotional disconnection.
  3. Increased desire to fill self with other people, substances, etc.
  4. Feeling a lack of authenticity.
  5. Passive aggressiveness.

1. Accept That Conflict is Inevitable

The story of Gina and Dave is a sad, but all-too-common tale. In the early stages of a relationship, lack of conflict is somewhat normal. But as time goes on conflict becomes inevitable and necessary.

This is where many couples begin to place judgment on themselves and their partner. They may interpret it as a sign the relationship is “bad” or that they chose the wrong person. Their expectation that they had found “the one” is now in serious jeopardy. These judgments can create a strain in the relationship as prospective conflict continues to be swept under the rug.

It doesn’t matter if Gina and Dave are from the same town, have similar beliefs, and both love sushi; they are inherently two different people.

Having an expectation that conflict will arise no matter what will ease their hesitation to avoid it all costs.

2. Sweat the Small Stuff (At Least Initially)

There are of course times in a relationship to not sweat the small stuff. However, for a couple like Dave and Gina there are plenty of times the “small stuff” needs attention.

Dave arriving late and snubbing Gina could be seen as a small event. Yet, every time Gina didn’t confront Dave her frustration was tucked away into her unconscious. This robs Gina of the present moment as it stirs inside until it eventually spills into other parts of the relationship creating more havoc.

Their nervous system was receiving emotional information to avoid, defend, or attack their partner. Instead, Dave and Gina would hope to nurture their approach (social engagement) system.

Letting things build over time also chips away at the trust in a relationship. The person that you’ve built resentment towards may have no idea, and thus is blindsided and somewhat betrayed when things break down.

3. Embrace Rupture and Repair: The Super Nova Metaphor

“It is not conflict that leads to relationship dissolution so much as it is the failure to repair and re-connect following relationship ruptures.” – Sue Johnson and Lorrie Brubacher

Conflict in relationships can be seen as a constant rupture and repair. The process is similar to the balance of chaos and order within our daily lives.

A representation of this is the explosion of a star, a Super Nova (rupture/chaos).

Before the star explodes, it holds more dense and complex elements than when it was first formed. After the explosion, the elements scatter all over the universe to form more complex entities like our planet (repair/order).

Without allowing the rupture (or conflict) to happen naturally in our relationships, it’s like a pressurized star building with tension, heat, and overflow of superior elements waiting to scatter.

The repair process allows the couple to put their relationship back together in a more evolved, complex order than if it hadn’t ruptured in the first place.

With this perspective we can see that conflict is an opportunity (which sounds a lot less scary).  It’s a chance for the couple to gather information on what’s important to the other person, a moment to connect and love them specifically tailored to their needs.

We can see that the absence of conflict is more of a death sentence for a relationship then the alternative. It allows us an opportunity to be our authentic selves – allowing ourselves to be genuine and honest through conflict can allow for greater compromise, safety, and stability.

4. Learn to Tolerate Disharmony

Many people avoid conflict because of the initial feeling of disharmony. They feel that bringing something up or engaging in whatever their partner is upset about, will overwhelm them and create more negative emotion within the relationship.

It is key to remember that this initial disharmony is in service of a greater harmony. Just like in the super nova metaphor, there is a richer and safer relationship on the other side of this initial discomfort.

It is here that the conflict avoidant couple must learn to what I call, “Sit in the shit.” There are many ways to do this; becoming mindful of your emotions, taking short time-outs, not taking things personally, and finding your own emotional anchors to get through the rupture are some of the more effective coping skills.

5. Cultivate Healthy Repair

It’s one thing to stop avoiding conflict, but to finally introduce it without proper skills presents another set of challenges. Since conflict may have been foreign for so long it can get messy and end further hurting the relationship. Issues that are resolved appropriately can be extremely healing, gratifying, and liberating.

For this, there are countless skills and coping methods especially tailored for intimate relationships.

Sources of conflict could also be the result of deeper and more complicated emotions, thoughts, and previous experiences that may need to be sorted out with the help of a professional.

Thankfully, not all is lost for Dave and Gina, working together on better navigating conflict can not only dissolve their resentments, but help evolve their relationship to a new level of satisfaction.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

 

Couples Couples Therapy Relationships By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

Relationships: The 9 Key Ingredients For Lasting Commitment

A friend of mine recently got married. I proudly stood as his best man as he said his vows – a commitment to be with his wife for as long as they both shall live. And as I gave my speech, highlighting their love for each other and my confidence in their longevity as a couple, I couldn’t help but consider how often this commitment breaks down.

It seems that over the last century, this commitment has slowly eroded to a flimsy promise to stick around for the long haul.

However, we remain optimistic. We are hopeful we will find the person to commit to – take a deep breath – and hope that this pledge will leave us feeling safe; comfortably in love for all eternity.

Yet how often do we stop and sincerely consider what commitment actually means?

Whether you are single or currently in a relationship, reminding yourself the characteristics of a healthy commitment will better affirm a successful partnership.

11. Commitment is action

It’s easy for anyone to say they are committed to something. Simply saying “I do” on your wedding day can be the equivalent of drunkenly screaming out your New Years resolution.

The commitment in a relationship doesn’t just happen without effort; it’s the day-in-day out choice and action towards the lifelong journey with this person for better or worse.

2. Commitment is having a growth mindset

When I work with a couple that is genuinely committed there is an undeniable feeling in the room of “how will we make this work?” not “will we make this work.” This is a mindset of growth, rather than a fixed mindset of “this hasn’t worked, and will never work.”

Coming from a place of how allows the couple to make changes with less resistance, increases imagination, and creates a feeling of safety.

If you find yourself slipping out of a growth mindset, but would like to continue working on the relationship, try to act as if you had more of the “how can we make this work” attitude. It’s possible to have your doubts and still maintain a positive outlook.

3. Commitment is maintaining gratitude

Commitment is making a choice to see the positive qualities in your partner. It’s having gratitude for who they are instead of building resentment for what they are not.

Having appreciation for your significant other won’t only reinforce commitment, but will enhance the quality of the relationship as a whole. Remind yourself regularly why you were attracted to this person in the first place, and what qualities make you continue to fall in love with them.

4. Commitment is embracing vulnerability

When making a commitment to someone, we surrender ourselves to every possibility. For better or worse, a commitment affects our freedoms, family, finances, emotions, lifestyle, etc (no wonder it can be so scary). But without this vulnerability we stunt our ability to form adequate intimacy, and cheat ourselves from having the relationship we deserve.

Again, this isn’t something that is just assumed when you say “I do”. Vulnerability is required at every stage in a relationship. This allows us to develop closeness, connection, and authenticity to solidify our commitment.

5. Commitment is creating safety

Relationships cannot thrive without an undercurrent of safety. Research is finding that security is a human being’s primary need.  Our romantic relationships are ground zero to achieve a life of emotional security.

Intact commitment offers us safety in that “we are in this together, this person has my back”. The mere presence of our loved one soothes us into a feeling of “I’m safe with this person, I’m free to be myself”

6. Commitment is unconditional AND conditional love

“In a healthy person, loyalty has its limits and unconditional love can coexist with conditional involvement”   -David Richo

It is possible to love unconditionally but place conditions around that love. This allows us to respect our own self-love without losing ourselves to an unhealthy relationship.  “I love you, and I care for myself by not supporting your addiction.”

This part of a relationship is never black and white. We must be keen to reasonable expectations in a relationship, but also set high enough standards that we remain fulfilled.

All relationships are different, and all have their own unique challenges. However whenever there is any form of abuse, we must take care of our mental and physical wellbeing first.

7. Commitment is reviewing and healing the past

When committing to someone you have a personal responsibility to review how the past may contribute to your ability to successfully commit. Reviewing your past models of relationships from family and friends may of lead to your current belief system of what commitment looks like.

This also includes looking at our previous relationships that may have left us feeling betrayed, abandoned, or hurt – leaving us guarded. Unless we fully heal and learn from prior relationships we risk repeating the past.

Imagine discovering internal beliefs of “no one can be trusted” or “men will eventually just leave me.” Successfully confronting these beliefs are vital to allowing a successful, long lasting partnership.

8. Commitment is finding the Win-Win

It’s a Sunday afternoon and Holly wants to go to the store, but Jay wants to get the car washed. Their ability to work towards the win-win during these seemingly insignificant situations sets a tone that will answer the question, “Will this person meet my needs for the long haul?”

Certainly, Holly and Jay were put to the test in this high pressure situation… but intuitively understand that it’s the balance of giving and receiving core needs that leave both parties feeling fulfilled for the long term.

9. Commitment is having patience

Finally, be patient. Commitment does not come easy. It consistently challenges us to be imaginative, courageous, and responsible with a person that hopefully returns the favor. It allows us to develop the qualities that make us human. It forces us to put aside our ego, utilize empathy, and evolve. It may take a lifetime to fully understand the depth and qualities necessary for a healthy commitment.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.