5 Lessons for the Conflict Avoidant Couple

Dave and Gina are newly married. It’s a Tuesday, and Dave had to stay late at work. Already irritated, he plops down in front of the TV without greeting his wife. Gina is annoyed; she hasn’t heard from Dave all day and now he didn’t even say hello!

Dave can already sense the negative sentiment from Gina in the air. He’s further triggered by her tone of voice but refuses to address it, as she avoids voicing her grievances to avoid a fight. They continue on with the evening as a small emotional seed has now been planted. Ten more Tuesdays go by as resentment, anger, and fear continue to build and drive them further apart.

A hundred Tuesdays later, Dave and Gina are so defeated and miserable they are both secretly contemplating divorce.

Gina and Dave would be considered a “Conflict Avoidant” couple at this stage.

Signs that conflict was overdue for Gina and Dave:

1. Underlying resentment, anger, and frustration.
2. Emotional disconnection.
3. Increased desire to fill self with other people, substances, etc.
4. Feeling a lack of authenticity.
5. Passive aggressiveness.

1. Accept That Conflict is Inevitable

The story of Gina and Dave is a sad, but all-too-common tale. In the early stages of a relationship, lack of conflict is somewhat normal. But as time goes on conflict becomes inevitable and necessary.

This is where many couples begin to place judgment on themselves and their partner. They may interpret it as a sign the relationship is “bad” or that they chose the wrong person. Their expectation that they had found “the one” is now in serious jeopardy. These judgments can create a strain in the relationship as prospective conflict continues to be swept under the rug.

It doesn’t matter if Gina and Dave are from the same town, have similar beliefs, and both love sushi; they are inherently two different people.

Having an expectation that conflict will arise no matter what will ease their hesitation to avoid it all costs.

2. Sweat the Small Stuff (At Least Initially)

There are of course times in a relationship to not sweat the small stuff. However, for a couple like Dave and Gina there are plenty of times the “small stuff” needs attention.

Dave arriving late and snubbing Gina could be seen as a small event. Yet, every time Gina didn’t confront Dave her frustration was tucked away into her unconscious. This robs Gina of the present moment as it stirs inside until it eventually spills into other parts of the relationship creating more havoc.

Their nervous system was receiving emotional information to avoid, defend, or attack their partner. Instead, Dave and Gina would hope to nurture their approach (social engagement) system.

Letting things build over time also chips away at the trust in a relationship. The person that you’ve built resentment towards may have no idea, and thus is blindsided and somewhat betrayed when things break down.

3. Embrace Rupture and Repair: The Super Nova Metaphor

“It is not conflict that leads to relationship dissolution so much as it is the failure to repair and re-connect following relationship ruptures.” – Sue Johnson and Lorrie Brubacher

Conflict in relationships can be seen as a constant rupture and repair. The process is similar to the balance of chaos and order within our daily lives.

A representation of this is the explosion of a star, a Super Nova (rupture/chaos).

Before the star explodes, it holds more dense and complex elements than when it was first formed. After the explosion, the elements scatter all over the universe to form more complex entities like our planet (repair/order).

Without allowing the rupture (or conflict) to happen naturally in our relationships, it’s like a pressurized star building with tension, heat, and overflow of superior elements waiting to scatter.

The repair process allows the couple to put their relationship back together in a more evolved, complex order than if it hadn’t ruptured in the first place.

With this perspective we can see that conflict is an opportunity (which sounds a lot less scary).  It’s a chance for the couple to gather information on what’s important to the other person, a moment to connect and love them specifically tailored to their needs.

We can see that the absence of conflict is more of a death sentence for a relationship then the alternative. It allows us an opportunity to be our authentic selves – allowing ourselves to be genuine and honest through conflict can allow for greater compromise, safety, and stability.

4. Learn to Tolerate Disharmony

Many people avoid conflict because of the initial feeling of disharmony. They feel that bringing something up or engaging in whatever their partner is upset about, will overwhelm them and create more negative emotion within the relationship.

It is key to remember that this initial disharmony is in service of a greater harmony. Just like in the super nova metaphor, there is a richer and safer relationship on the other side of this initial discomfort.

It is here that the conflict avoidant couple must learn to what I call, “Sit in the shit.” There are many ways to do this; becoming mindful of your emotions, taking short time-outs, not taking things personally, and finding your own emotional anchors to get through the rupture are some of the more effective coping skills.

5. Cultivate Healthy Repair

It’s one thing to stop avoiding conflict, but to finally introduce it without proper skills presents another set of challenges. Since conflict may have been foreign for so long it can get messy and end further hurting the relationship. Issues that are resolved appropriately can be extremely healing, gratifying, and liberating.

For this, there are countless skills and coping methods especially tailored for intimate relationships.

Sources of conflict could also be the result of deeper and more complicated emotions, thoughts, and previous experiences that may need to be sorted out with the help of a professional.

Thankfully, not all is lost for Dave and Gina, working together on better navigating conflict can not only dissolve their resentments, but help evolve their relationship to a new level of satisfaction.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.