The Dating Playbook: 16 Ways To Bounce Back From Break Ups and Rejection
In my practice, I have the privilege of joining clients in their pursuit of finding and keeping romance. If someone wishes to find a life partner, I believe it to be one of the most important decisions that person will make. Especially in today’s society (often by default) your partner become your best friend, lover, primary support, and emergency contact on all medical forms. They are the person you choose to be with more than anyone else, the person that connects you to yourself, world, and future.
We should not take the process in finding this person lightly. Whether you are just starting to date, getting out of a long-term relationship, or finally committing to seriously dating after many years of singlehood – being proactive about how you go about it can drastically impact your fate.
I have compiled a few dating tips straight from the therapy room. They are broken up into separate articles, each tackling a different aspect of the process.
The Dating Playbook: 13 Things To Do Before You Start Dating
The Dating Playbook: 14 Tips For The Dating Life
The Dating Playbook: You’re Here!
“Rejections elicit emotional pain so sharp it affects our thinking, floods us with anger, erodes our confidence and self-esteem, and destabilizes our fundamental feeling of belonging.”– Guy Winch, Ph.D.
We all know rejection, and if we don’t, we know how to subconsciously avoid it. Rejection is painful; the part of the brain that reacts to physical pain is the same part of the brain that reacts to the pain of romantic rejection.
Evolution wants us to bond, and makes sure we feel the pain of a lost relationship. It’s even been shown that primates and humans have a hard-wired sensitivity to feeling unimportant or as if they don’t exist, they will become aggressive and agitated.
Rejection is ever more rampant in today’s culture. With the advent of dating apps, you may have access to more suitors, but at the cost of endless rejections and “ghosting”.
(for a quick refresher on “ghosting”, here is the online dictionary definition)
Ghosting – verb – “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”
Depending on our personal history and nature of the lost relationship, each perceived rejection can have varying effects on our mental and emotional world. The wound can vary from a minor cut to a deep gash.
After a rejection, it’s wise to first check in with yourself. Be honest with how your feeling. It’s easy to bury our feelings with a deep plunge back into the dating apps or a pint of chocolate ice cream (or worse). We have to assess how severe is the emotional wound, just as we would after a scrape on our knee.
If we don’t give the wounds of rejection the time and attention they deserve, just like a cut without proper attention, they can become infected. The wound can lay under the surface of your dating life – wreaking havoc without your awareness. It can create physical pain, angry and aggressive urges, harm to self or others, and damage to our feeling of belongingness.
I’ve compiled a list of the common ways people cope with rejection. Again, everyone is unique in this process, however, we all are human, and there are certain universal truths about what rejection does to our emotional systems. Read the list below and find the ones that resonate.
1. Surround yourself with a positive support system. Rejection is a rupture in human connection, what a better time then to add positive emotional support from others. Let others be there for you, and make an effort regardless if you don’t feel particularly social.
2. Realistic Thinking. Thinking clearly can be difficult in the wake of a rejection. A study found that merely being asked about a rejection significantly affected the score on tests of IQ, memory, reasoning, and decision making. Nonetheless, your mind is a meaning making machine and likes to know why they “rejected” you. The problem with this is that we tend to over-personalize or over-generalize the rejection, creating a self-critical lens. Remind yourself of the 1,000 reasons they “rejected” you besides something like “not being good enough”. A key perspective is realizing how people have formed “Love Maps” based on their childhood and romantic experiences. These emotional maps are powerful guides to who we choose, and sometimes don’t always steer us in the best direction. We need to see that it isn’t always a personal fallibility, but simply a mismatch in the other person’s Love Map.
3. Create Self-Critical Counterarguments. If you start to slip into critical self-talk, write down all the things you’ve been saying to yourself about the rejection. Then, next to each statement write a counterargument. Have these handy for when they pop up in your mind so you can immediately argue against the postulation.
4. Remind yourself of your worth and positive qualities. This can be difficult for most people, but reminding yourself of your positive qualities can help balance any self-critical thoughts. If it’s hard to come up with them yourself, ask trusted friends and family members for their opinion, think back to other relationships and suitors that provided positive feedback.
5. Use An “Even Though” Statement: Complete this sentence…
- “Even though_____, I have to let you go because_____”
- Example: “Even though you please me sexually, even though we have been together so long, even though I don’t know whether I will ever find someone else, I have to let you go because you do not meet me at my soul/adult level.”
6. Personal Development. Whether its upping your time at the gym or reading articles by Adam Lencioni, being proactive in working on yourself has been shown to be one of the best things to do after a rejection. This is not about making up for a lack of self-worth, but to boost a general sense of confidence moving forward.
7. Normalize. You’re not the first person to feel like this. The feelings we get from unrequited love is extremely normal. Speaking with friends about their experiences, reading articles or books, or simply acknowledging the normalcy of the emotions you’re experiencing can be incredibly healing.
8. Use Your Own Experiences. If this isn’t your first time experiencing rejection, this means you survived before! Think back on how you were able to heal and move on. There’s no better teacher than your past self.
9. Let Yourself Grieve Without Judgment. Grief is one of our hard-wired, core emotions. It’s part of having mammalian ancestors that survived from sustained connection. Letting yourself have a “good cry” is nature’s way of rebalancing your emotional system and properly grieving a loss. Even if you are simultaneously filled with anger, and are damning the person to hell, you’ll usually find a healthy grief below the surface, let it wash over you fully.
10. Reframe The “Failure”. It’s easy to get down on yourself after a relationship doesn’t work out. It’s important not to take these too personally, and proactively search for hidden lessons. Remind yourself that dating, like anything in life, is a process. It’s a process that will inevitably include failures and missteps. Use these moments to your advantage to learn and grow instead of destroying your spirit.
11. Desensitize Yourself. There are countless stories of people making a conscious effort to expose themselves to rejection. This could be going to a park and asking 20 random girls out on a date (in the friendliest way possible) or asking the people at Chipotle if you can make your own burrito. Intentionally exposing yourself to more rejection can desensitize you to the feelings, albeit it may still sting to some degree.
12. Change Things Up. Especially if your previous relationship involved living together or frequent sleep overs – your environment can be a constant reminder of him/her. Put away or dispose of the cards, gifts, and pictures, move furniture, or even stay at a friend’s house for a few nights.
13. Practice Mindful Media Usage. These days, it’s a lot more difficult to avoid our exes. They can live in our pocket, 2-3 clicks away from seeing their joyous Instagram story while we feel like a knife is piercing our broken heart. It’s important to be mindful of how you wish to continue your involvement with him/her on social media. This is all personal preference, but I subscribe to the belief of unfollowing them (at least for the time being).
14. Write Three Lists. Write 10 things you are losing that you are actually happyto be losing with the end of this relationship (e.g. always having to pay the restaurant bill, dealing with their mood swings). Next, write a list of 10 things you are actually gaining by losing the relationship (e.g. more time to hike with my dog on the weekends). The last list is 10 ways you can turn the disappointment into a positive personal growth opportunity (e.g. a chance to work on my personal boundaries in relationships). *this is great!
15. Have a Release Ceremony. An example of this could be writing their name, a few words, and a sincere goodbye on a piece of paper and burning it or washing the remains down the drain. (go back and review the release ceremony from the first article)
16. Try These Self-care Suggestions: exercise, start a gratitude journal, listen to music that aligns with your desired emotional response, use deep breathing and mindfulness techniques to stay as present as possible, eat healthy, sleep 8 hours a day, etc.
Creating Your Own Rejection Protocol
It can be comforting to have a personal rejection protocol in place for dating. Make a list of some of your go-to coping skills for rejection and have them handy in case rejection pops up in your dating life. Knowing you have a first-aid kit at home for any rejection creates an empowering way to get back on your feet, fully healed. Having this in place can boost your confidence going forward in the often stressful, hurtful, and unpredictable world of dating.
Rejection Protocol Example
Miranda’s Rejection Protocol:
- Call Gina and Mom to vent about what happened
- Listen to “Roses” by Outkast
- Have a good cry in the shower
- Unfollow him on social media
- Review personal strengths
- Write an “even though” statement
- Set a schedule to go to the gym this week
- Do something positive for yourself (get a massage, buy a new outfit)
- Do a release ceremony
