Discovering the True Self: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Life
THE BIRTH OF THE TRUE SELF
Every human being is born with a true/authentic self. An unburdened self – with all of its free energy, impulses, feelings, and creativity. It contains the light and dark, positive and negative, “good” and “bad” parts. Its everything you’re capable of being – greedy, selfish, empathetic, sexual, impulsive, playful, etc.
ENTER – PEOPLE/CULTURE
“The love I gained with such uphill effort and self-defacement was not meant for me at all but for the me I created to please them.” Alice Miller
After birth, everyone has a motivation to belong within the family unit and surrounding environment. This is when the presence of the True Self may threaten, overwhelm, or somehow negatively affect parents (or other close relationships). In turn, the family inadvertently teaches us how to behave according to their specifications (this is not always grounded in integrity).
Beyond the family system and other direct relationships, our culture can play role in inhibiting our True Self. It may be the gay man that lives in a conservative/religious town, or the young woman that’s interested in being an engineer, but consumes messages from a culture that informs her of the “inappropriateness”.
In order to remain safe, we begin the unconscious process of separating from our True Self. Like a cell dividing, our psyche begins to split apart. Engendered from the instinct to adapt, we gradually continue to disown our True Self.
THE BIRTH OF THE FALSE SELF – SHAME AND DENIAL
How these “teachings” were implemented varies, but one of the more effective and long-lasting instruments is shame. It’s the young girl that learns it is “bad” to be “too emotional”. Or the little boy that stifles his creative talents to gain acceptance from his father that prefers he focus on more conventional academics.
The True Self learns to hide from the pain of full expression, and feeds off the shaming belief that, “if people really knew me, they would not like me” or simply, “Who I am is not OK. Who I am is not enough.”
*This does not mean that shame is all bad. There is such a thing as healthy shame. We are built with a healthy shame internal compass, that naturally lets us know when we are operating outside of our integrity – such as doing something that is socially inappropriate.
However, when it comes to the developing the False Self, we are talking about toxic shame. Toxic shame is the messaging we have received from others. It’s the incidents that left us feeling ugly, unlovable, inferior, stupid, or unworthy. The more toxic shame that influenced and changed our souls, the further we moved from our authentic self.
Denial is the other contributor to keeping the False Self alive and well. Remember the gay man in the conservative/religious neighborhood? If he remains in denial of his true sexual orientation, he continues to exist primarily within the walls of the False Self.
The False Self’s job is to inhibit (fear) and keep us blind (denial) to our true nature. It does this to protect us, but eventually causes more problems than it solves.
THE MASKS OF THE FALSE SELF
“Maybe the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything, maybe it’s about unbecoming everything that isn’t really you, so you can be who you were really meant to be in the first place.” -Paulo Coelho
After the world has taught us we can’t be ourselves, we must create new rules for being. These rules of the False Self comprise all the habits and patterns that later become limitations long after leaving our initial family system. It’s the mask we put on to cover our insecurities originating from the wounds of our past.
If we were wounded from feelings of abandonment, powerlessness, helplessness, or betrayal we put on the masks associated with the victim. If the wounds were ones of domination, control, abuse, or force we might take on the masks of the victimizer.
We wear these masks to hide our inner shame and hurt from others, and also from ourselves.
Some common False Self masks:
- The Charmer (Victimizer)
- The People Pleaser (Victim)
- The Seductress (Victimizer)
- The Victim (Victim)
- The Bully (Victimizer)
- The Martyr (Victimizer)
- The Depressive (Victim)
Deep seated fear keeps these False Self masks glued to our psyche. We fear that removing the mask would leave ourselves vulnerable to the world that once shamed us, a terrifying venture few are willing to partake.
DETECTING YOUR TRUE SELF
“We must have the daring to be nothing but ourselves if we are to know what true power is.” -Danielle LaPorte
As I mentioned earlier, we don’t always realize we are operating from the False Self. The False Self is protecting us, it has NO interest in being found out. However, with enough self-reflection and acceptance of pain, we can begin to detect its presence.
Imagine the True Self, with all its emotions, opinions, impulses, and motivations as steam in a kettle. The heat and pressure from the steam will continue to build unless its released. It has a mind of its own, a desperate attempt to be seen, accepted, and expressed.
The False Self, armed with immense fear and denial, keeps the lid tightly shut on the kettle – motivated by the pains of the past when the True Self was once free to be fully known and expressed and subsequently shamed.
There are multiple ways we can detect the True Self’s presence. Through self-reflection of our internal and external world, we can find the bread crumbs that lead us to our true nature. Listed below are four common ways we can begin to detect the True Self.
- The environments and people we unconsciously choose to be around– based on the False Self masks we unconsciously chose, we begin to attract the situations that match the type of mask we unknowingly wear. It’s the Victim that ends up marrying the abusive spouse, it’s the Nice Guy that chooses to be a kid’s athletic coach or teacher. We find the people and situations that ensure we can continue being the character we believe we are. To become aware of these impulses, is to become aware of the mask from which we operate.
- Self-Sabotage– Without a safe way to express our True Self’s deepest impulses, emotions, and urges – they will inevitably find ways to express themselves in sometimes dangerous, inappropriate, and self-sabotaging ways. It’s the seemingly happily married man that has multiple affairs. It’s the well-mannered girlfriend that’s consistently passive aggressive, creating distance in her relationship. It’s the CEO that steals from his company. Self-sabotage can be seen as the True Self attempting to point out our unaddressed toxic shame and unowned parts that continue to insidiously affect our life.
- Projection– We can start to see the True Self in the media we consume, the things that “spark” something in us, and the emotions we have towards other people and circumstances. For example, if someone refuses to “own” their anger (because they learned that it’s “bad” to be angry), they may condemn those that are cruel – or be compelled to watch a reality TV show that consistently portrays outwardly-angry cast members.
- Pain/Suffering– Lastly, we can discover our True Self through some of the more painful moments of life. Consider the guy that was physically abused in childhood and while in conflict with his girlfriend impulsively lashes out. Filled with pain and shame, he has been given a glimpse of one of his darkest, yet true, parts.
All these circumstances offer us a chance to see the emotions/parts that lay beneath our conscious awareness – the emotions that we learned to be negative, overwhelming, and naughty. It’s the hurt, sadness, grief, anger, hate, envy, and jealousy that we all are capable of feeling, but not all were allowed to express.
BECOMING WHOLE
“I’d rather be whole than good” -Carl Jung
As long as the True and False Self remain separated, our psyche will be severed, out of balance, and disintegrated. Thankfully, our psyches are constantly seeking wholeness, unity, and balance. It’s an internal disposition we all have, a spiritual challenge that lasts a lifetime.
Like the Chinese concept of the Yin and Yang, we seek a balance of the light and dark, positive and negative, “good” and “bad” parts of us, in order to achieve harmony. We are not meant to act on all of what we are, but instead, strive to allow all parts to be known as we consciously “own” them. We then allow our internal world to be guided by the understanding, wisdom, and clarity of the Higher Self.
The Higher Self can see all that we are, lustful while committed to our partners, full of irritation while we calmly discipline our misbehaving child, feeling the impulse to steal money while appearing outwardly loyal to the charity we assist.
Imagine the Higher Self sitting on top of a mountain, peering down on our multiplicity of selves, vying to be expressed. The Higher Self allows all of them to be seen and accepted, but will ultimately be the one to make the highest evolutionary choice on which will be acted on for the betterment of ourselves and others.
When you let down the walls of denial, invite a sense of humility, and allow the peaceful coexistence of all aspects of yourself, you can become more comfortable in your skin and more present in the moment. It quells the presence of shame and fear, and moves us towards self-acceptance. All this is in an effort to become an integrated, emotionally healthy human being.
You can begin to see that the parts of the False Self are there because they were part of your adaptation to a world that was not always equipped to accept all of who you are. We strive to no longer let these parts direct our life and are less motivated to suppress our true nature.
REMEMBERING OUR BIRTH RIGHT
“It’s never too late to be what you might have been.” George Eliot
To bring this full circle, the day we were born we were given a birth right. The right to be our most authentic self, to accept all of who we were meant to be. Along the way, many of us lose sight of this without our conscious consent. As adults, we have the ability and chance to reclaim this birth right. It can be a daily challenge to integrate our darkest, pained, and shamed parts but without this resolve, we will leave this world without the complete ownership of our being. We will continue to sabotage our life, hurt ourselves and others, and never feel completely free.
No matter your age or situation it’s never too late to do the work necessary to finally become the person you always intuitively knew you could be.
