Category: <span>Self-improvement</span>

Habits Self-improvement By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

The Complete Guide to Creating a New Habit

“We first make our habits, then our habits make us. As the twig is bent, the tree inclines.” -Virgil

Whether we like it or not, every New Year is paired with the incessant question, “What’s your New Year’s resolution?”.  This is often met with a sharp dose of shame from last year’s failure, some hope about this year’s resolution, or perhaps a total avoidance and rejection of the tradition. Either way, we’ve all failed at maintaining a healthy habit at some time or another. There’s a myriad of reasons most of us have difficulty with building new habits, but there are a few overarching reasons to consider:

  1. Making a new habit often goes against our evolutionary code, a human body and mind that would rather conserve energy than spend energy doing something new and not “necessary.”
  2. Many of us are seeped into a culture that continues to find ways to allure us with processed food, technology, drugs, social media, and the other countless dopamine inducing activities. We’ve become more likely to say “Why would I go to the gym and get groceries when I could watch Netflix and order Uber Eats?” This reinforces procrastination, immediate gratification, and distraction.
  3. With the expectation of immediate gratification, anything that requires delayed gratification can feel like FOREVER, causing a premature impatience. We would never expect to lose 10 pounds the first time we set foot in the gym.
  4. For a Western Culture that has so many luxuries, we’re ironically more stressed out. Someone that’s stressed intuitively doesn’t want to increase stress by adding a healthy habit that often initially creates stress to start and maintain.

For all these reasons and plenty others, we also have less excuses. With the advances in technology we have access to tools that promote habit forming such as: helpful apps, smart watches, audio books, online support groups, and faster access to pretty much anything that will be on our doorstep in two days with free shipping.

I think it’s safe to say that everyone could benefit from either knowing how to start a habit, or getting rid of an unhealthy one. Educating yourself on proper habit building can be the missing link to increasing your life expectancy, become more educated, or doubling your income.

The article breaks down four stages of working through starting and maintaining a new habit:

  1. Conscious contemplation.
  2. Taking inventory of the past and present.
  3. Finding your habit forming “tendency”.
  4. List of Habit “hacks”.

** I suggest writing down the answers, techniques, and general plan of action based on the guidelines below, we are much more likely to complete a goal if we write it down beforehand. 

 

#1: Start with Conscious Contemplation

Identify the rough idea of a desired habit

Gather the general goals and possible habit/habits you’re considering.

(Throughout the article I will be using the common example of exercise/weight loss/healthy eating).   I’d like to start some sort of exercise, lose some weight, and generally feel healthier.

 

Explore why  you are doing it

There are plenty of “why’s” people may want to start a new habit, but not all of them are going to lead to consistent action. A good example of this is when we create habits in an effort to pacify a fear/pain rather than through positive/inspired action tied to personal values. Certain whys can jump start motivation to begin a habit, but that motivation can be fleeting. Whatever the reason you decide to start a new habit, make sure to revisit your “why” over time.

Right now, my motivation for working out is to lose weight for the boat party this summer. Eventually, I would like to see a positive change in my general self-love and care and to be a healthier human being for myself and loved ones.

 

#2: Take Inventory of the Past and Present

Explore your past experience with this habit.

Use your past experiences with starting a new habit to understand more about what made you successful.

 In college I was able to keep a consistent workout routine and eat healthier when I had a workout buddy. I stopped when I moved to a new city.

 

Explore limiting emotional/mental hurdles

The problem with common advice on creating new habits is that it fails to integrate some of the childhood residue that could doom someone to fail before given a fair chance. For example, there could be a trauma around dieting, parents that never enforced discipline (or too much), or there’s an addiction/mental illness in the way. Spend some time reflecting on the ways in which your childhood or present mental challenges could impact the success of your new habit.

After some self-reflection, I realized food was used for self-soothing. When I was upset, my mom would immediately feed me cake, and never addressed my distress directly with empathy, understanding, and allowing. 

Or maybe,

I was sexually abused as a child and have used my weight as a defense mechanism – so to lose

weight means to open myself up to a vulnerable position I never wanted to be in again.

 Or perhaps,

I need to be mindful of my self-soothing and find new ways to manage my emotions. I also need to process my trauma while building this new habit.

 

Explore your current life circumstances, beliefs, and identity. 

Take a step back and see how your current lifestyle and associated beliefs about yourself could positively or negatively impact the habit you’d like to form. This includes where you live, current support system, a limiting belief, or an aspect of your existing identity. Find ways to challenge, heal, or integrate these factors.

 Because of my current job, I notice that I only have time in the morning to workout.

 I also have always identified myself as a “night owl”.

 Since high school, I have had a limiting belief that “I don’t deserve to be healthy and happy; that’s for “normal” people.”

 

#3: Find Your Habit Forming “Tendency.”

The work of Gretchen Rubin states that we generally fall into 1 of 4 behavioral tendencies. These tendencies can easily be applied to how we start and maintain a new habit. Read the descriptions below and see which one fits, or take this short quiz: 

This will help in identifying which habit hacks fit your individual style.

  1. The Questioner

Resists outer expectations, meets inner expectations.

The questioner will meet an expectation if it makes sense to them, they will need to formulate habits mainly from inner expectations

As a Questioner, I need to do some research on diet/exercise that makes sense to me, and know that setting up external accountability/motivation will not necessarily be as large of a factor in maintaining a new habit.   

  1. The Upholder

Meets outer expectations, meets inner expectations.

Upholders are free to choose either outer/inner expectations (or both) for forming their habits. They don’t want to let themselves OR others down.

As an Upholder, I need to set my own expectations for the new workout routine and integrate making a deal with my wife that I’ll do her laundry for a month if the habit doesn’t stick. 

  1. The Obligor

     Meets outer expectations, resists inner expectations.

Obligors have a difficult time acting from their inner expectations, so will need to set up external forms of accountability to maintain a new habit.

As an Obligor, I can ask my neighbor if she would be willing to set up a reoccurring time to meet at yoga and morning runs.

  1. The Rebel 

Resists outer expectations, resists inner expectations.

Rebels tend to stick to a habit only if it’s an expression of their identity, or is something that’s the opposite of what others do – resisting being told what to do.

As a Rebel, I like to work out by chopping wood and working on my speed boat. I don’t set a schedule; I do these things when I feel like it.

 

#4: Select your Habit Hacks

There are A LOT of tips and tools on how to start and maintain a habit, I have selected 20 that I’ve seen work, are backed by research, and can be easily applied. 

  1. Start small (do the first 2 minutes) –  Yes, yes, a journey of 1,000 miles starts with one step – but the better question is what’s one step? We can still overestimate what a reasonable small step might be. Current advice says to start with just the first 2 minutes of a new habit. This may sound crazy, but it can be the momentum needed to get a habit formed before its enhanced. This can be difficult for people that want results NOW, but this is also about practicing the virtue of patience, Rome wasn’t built in a day (there’s your two cliché metaphors for the day).

Instead of trying to run 10 miles the first day of creating a new habit for running, I’ll focus on putting on my running shoes.

 

  1. Use temptation bundling – When you use temptation bundling, you take an existing desire (like watching TV) and commit to combining it with the new habit.

I will make a rule that if I want to binge watch Netflix, I have to spend the first 30 minutes on my exercise bike while watching.

 

  1. Future pace – In our busy lives we may have all the intent in the world to start the new habit, but our unconscious likes to go on autopilot. One way to ensure the habit gets into the unconscious (other than repetition) is to future pace. This is the mental exercise of rehearsing the habit step by step in your mind. See how this habit will fit into the day, imagine what it would look like and feel like to complete the habit.

The night before I start my new workout routine, I spend a couple minutes in bed imagining getting up and feeling excited to start the workout, I can see the time of day, how I’ll make a cup of coffee beforehand – all the way to the completion of the workout.

 

  1. Find the carrots and count them – Habits won’t stick without a dose of reinforcement. There’s a reason why video games are so addicting, the creators do I great job of programming consistent “wins”, whether it be collecting gems, beating a boss and “leveling up”, or finding a secret path – we can now imagine leveling up our real life character. Reinforcements could be in the form of tracking your progress with an app or feeling the joy of losing 1 pound. We may have larger goals in place for our habits but we can’t just pass up the small nuggets of positive reinforcement.

I will use a Fitbit, track my progress on a calendar, and embrace small milestones of progress by noticing a higher endurance.

 

  1. Accept and integrate the part that rebels – Imagine starting a new habit of journaling, to the little kid in you this feels like homework. As a kid, your parents told you to do your homework and you would often rebel and refuse. The part that rebelled just doesn’t go away overnight. That part of you may always be there to some extent – but denying and resisting its presence only makes it angry. Instead, let go of demonizing this part so you can begin to integrate its intentions and act in alignment with your adult self’s intentions.

As a kid, I hated going to soccer practice. My parents signed me up without my consent, so I often refused to get ready, or somehow sabotage my attendance. When I think of working out, this part likes to rebel and watch TV. I am mindful of this part, accept its presence, re-parent it, and get in touch with my adult self to get myself to workout.

 

     6.  Make room for freebies, but not loopholes – One of the most common ways I see people fail at maintaining their habits is something called the what-the-hell effect. It’s when we commit to a habit like trying to drink less alcohol, and something makes us break it (even if just once), we then say to ourselves “what-the-hell” and get unbelievably drunk.

Because of this one slip up, people will often give up on the habit, letting the one instance become the norm once again. It’s true we cannot have these moments build up, but we should not hold ourselves to a standard of perfection, either. Gretchen Rubin also talks about the many “loopholes” we create that justify why should be able to a break a habit. If we don’t catch the moments that loopholes get out of hand, and if we’re too strict on not having ANY freebies, we are more likely to fail.

So, we MUST have built in freebies, which give us permission ahead of time to break the habit, but also stay committed to our desired habit/goal.

 I was consistent with my workout routine for 2 weeks until I visited my friend for a weekend. I know this is an exception, that I haven’t completely “failed”, I need to allow myself a freebie. I’m excited to get back in the gym this week!

 

  1. Don’t rely on willpower –We would like to believe that we have all the willpower in the world to control our behavior, but as you’ve probably noticed, we have a really hard time simply willing ourselves into new behaviors. Because of this thinking, we are more likely to be harsh on ourselves and give up when we fail to keep our new habit. Yes, there are moments that willpower will have to be a resource, but our goal is to rely on it as little as possible. There’s a concept called choice architecture, which is the structuring of our life around the choices we would like to make (and cease to make). This allows us to not deplete our willpower throughout the day, as it becomes more difficult to rely on willpower the more we have to use it throughout the day. Look for ways that a positive/negative habit is choosing you, by how your life is structured around it – then look for creative and convenient ways to rely on willpower less.

With my new lifestyle goals, I moved my desk at work to not be next to the snack table, made a more accessible and easy way to see the section of my closet for workout clothes, and switched gyms to the one across the street from my work.

 

  1. Think (and act) greater than how you feel– Let’s face it, you may not feel like going to the gym 5 times a week. Especially if you struggle with something like depression, there will be days that you’d rather get a root canal than leave the comfort of your warm bed in the middle of winter to get to the gym. Remember, your mind/body has been programmed by thousands of years of wanting to conserve energy. A hunter-gatherer would only want to “exercise” for a damn good reason (like chasing down its next meal). There are times that a feeling will motivate you, but you can’t always bank on it. The gift of evolution in this regard, is the ability to think greater than how you feel. This is not always easy, our feelings and body are the modalities of the almighty unconscious, but with practice, our thinking brain can override the feeling part of our brain to get us to act in accordance with our goals.

As I lay in bed, I don’t let the feeling of comfort overtake me by telling myself “1,2,3,4,5, Get up!” or “I know you’re comfortable, but you’ve committed to this”.

Perhaps I don’t even think about it, I just train myself to move when it’s time to go to the gym. Overtime, this will become a free flowing action from my subconscious mind. 

 

  1. Use a commitment device – This can be anything that is used to lock in a habit ahead of time. For example, you’re trying to read more at night instead of watching TV. Before you get home, you’ve told your husband to hide the remote control until 10pm. A commitment device in this instance has held you accountable to the commitment you’ve made.

I’ve made a commitment to run with my friend every Tuesday at 6:30am, I will be more likely to go for a run knowing my friend is waiting for me. 

 

  1. Take advantage of loss aversion – Us humans have a built-in aversion to loss. There are many studies that show people can get quite irrational when they know they will lose something that belongs to them. A common usage of this is giving money to a friend – and if you hit your goal you get the money back, if not, they donate it to a person, organization, or charity you despise. You can use the website StickK to try it out.

If I don’t hit my habit goals I will give my friend a gift card for a shopping spree.

 

  1. Develop a compassionate, but firm, inner coach– This technique is especially useful for those that struggle with an inner critic or a stubborn inner rebel. Having a part of you that’s encouraging, compassionate, and firm enough to keep you disciplined is the perfect counter to these types of self-sabotaging parts. It’s the voice of a parent that balances firmness with love — but you can imagine them as a coach.

As a kid, I didn’t have a responsible parent to wake me up and make sure I got to school on time. As an adult, I see that getting out of bed to get to the gym is what gets me most stuck. I have imagined what my inner coach would look like, sound like, and feel like to have enter the room and get me out of bed with their compassionate stance, yet firm tone.

 

12-20 in brief form…

  1. Write it down – people are much more likely to stick to a new habit if they write down their plan/intent/commitment.
  1. Use Mindfulness – Increase mindfulness exercises to increase conscious awareness of the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors involving the new habit.
  1. Be highly involved – but with low attachment – When you’re too attached to a certain outcome of a habit, you may be more likely to be disappointed and lose momentum. Instead, focus most your energy on your proactive involvement in the process. 
  1. Choose the form of the habit/goal that invokes intrinsic motivation. We are much more likely to do something if it naturally provides us joy and excitement. These natural motivations are intrinsic, as opposed to motivation for extrinsic (external) rewards like money or acceptance. If your desired habit is to work out more, choose the form of exercise that will naturally be exciting and something you may actually like/want to do.
  1. Know your values – Motivation/discipline doesn’t exist without there being some attached personal value. Having a good idea of your values and your why for starting the habit in the first place can add an extra boost to action. In this way you can come from a place of inspired-value-based-action instead of fear or fleeting motivation.
  1. Suffocate the habits that get in the way – increase the number of steps or difficulty it takes to access your “bad” habits that get in the way of your new desired habits.
  1. Take advantage of a clean slate – take advantage of new beginnings and losses. If you move to a new house, think about how the new setting can be an advantageous opportunity to start the habit you’ve been putting off.
  1. Surround yourself with the right role models – It’s important to be around the type of people that model the type of habits you wish to obtain. This also works in reverse – we want to be mindful of how we are influenced to maintain the bad habits of the people we choose to be around.
  1. Access the right “part” with imagery or music – It’s helpful to understand that we are made of multiple parts. There is a part that loves TV, a part that cares for their pet, and a part that wants to better their lives. In order to access the part that would be most helpful, indicate what images or music that would conjure the part. Understanding these inner landscapes can make for a much smoother transition to then act on a desired habit.

 

Not all these tips and techniques work for everyone. What’s most important is to find what works for you and commit to the process, the more you repeat the habit, the more it will seep into your subconscious.  If you’re still having difficulty, it might be time to up your research, find a coach/therapist, or change your approach. Remember, each day you have the opportunity to start or continue a positive habit. The habits you maintain will be an integral part in who you are becoming. The person you’re becoming will impact your future relationships, success, health, and overall wellbeing. Now get started.

Self-improvement Trauma By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

How To Use Self-Parenting To Heal the Past – For Good

 

As adults, our childhood can often elude us. We can only recall a handful of memories, and yet there were thousands of moments that impacted the people we are today.

We like to reference children as “sponges”, which is spot on. Children are constantly soaking up the world around them as it imprints lasting impressions on the psyche. Children are not consciously thinking about these impressions – they’re soaking them up emotionally. The mind and body start to form implicit memories (as opposed to explicit memories – the kind you can remember). Implicit memories are tucked away into the unconscious mind, yet greatly inform our adult life, and not always to our benefit.

However, children can’t regulate their emotions; they depend on others, mostly their primary caregivers. For example, a parent hears their daughter crying and naturally responds by holding, feeding, or changing her diaper. The child depends on her parent to meet her needs, and this fosters an internal message of safety and comfort.

No parent is perfect, and even the most loving and attentive parents will fail to respond to every childhood moment that could be resolved with the presence of a caring parent. Children are destined to fail, be rejected, and hurt. These moments eventually fade into the back of our psyche and play on our emotions and behaviors later in life.

As adults, we naturally find that knowing and/or thinking something doesn’t always work to resolve our childhood pains.  I have had many clients say, “I know what’s wrong, but now what?”. This illustrates the lack of impact our thinking brain has on our emotional brain.

*This is not to say the thinking brain has ZERO impact, it’s just a lot less efficient than targeting our emotional brain.

Self-Parenting exercises offer an empowering tool to finally go back and resolve some of these pains with the help of emotionally stimulating experiences. It can help transform symptoms of anxiety, depression, body image issues, addictions, relationships issues, etc. Here is a way you can start healing the past with the help of your adult self.

 

Step 1: Access Your “Parent Self” 

This exercise depends on your ability to access the parent within you, and yes, we all have one. You have to be a loving, centered, and compassionate parent to the inner child you are about to meet. This takes practice, especially if you haven’t consciously accessed this part of you before. These are a few of the ways to embody the parent self:

  1. If you are already a parent, use the experience of a time you comforted your own child. Think of a time you weren’t stressed or frustrated. Instead, use a memory when you were completely present, compassionate, and available to soothe your child’s pain.
  2. Think of how you would respond to a child you were taking care of – perhaps a child in your family or simply an imagined one. Practice accessing the part of you that would naturally care for his/her well-being.
  3. Locate the wise self. We all have what many have called the “wise self”, “higher self”, “authentic self”, or simply, “the self”. A good way to access it might be the feeling you get when a friend asks for advice. This experience can usually foster some sagely advice (hopefully for your friend’s sake.) This state of mind is usually associated with a sense of calm, curiosity, connection, compassion, confidence, clarity, and courage. This state of mind isn’t clouded with too many “negative emotions” and feels open-hearted.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Remember, psychologists promote the “good enough parent” for optimal caregiving. This parent is one that provides a good enough amount of attention, acceptance, affection, and appreciation. But without at least a general sense of this state, the child inside could be more mistrustful and not feel comforted.

 

Step 2: Locating The Child Within

“The child can be your master teacher in the emotional world, showing you again and again what’s true for you and how you really feel.” -Arlene Drake 

If you’ve been around a child recently you may have noticed a quality that many adults don’t possess… directness. Children haven’t had a chance to build their adult defense mechanisms, their brain is working mostly from pure emotion, and they have little inhibitions. They speak from the heart, and are great at expressing the raw truth about an experience. We sometimes cannot rely on our adult interpretations of the past, we have become jaded by years of rationalization, repression, and other psychological defenses.

This step is all about separating the child “part”. This isn’t just some wacky new age exercise, the psychological benefits of separating yourself into parts is well documented. A theory of why humans experience mental illness is from a lack of integration of the mind. The dis-integrated parts of the psyche have remained dormant from the past and were never allowed to be integrated. Using parts helps to build bridges of communication between different parts of the brain, promoting integration and wellness. It also helps to create a healthy distance from present day emotions to safely work with them. This allows stuck emotional energy to flow easier, and provides an effective way to self-regulate our nervous system.

In order to access the child: first, follow today’s distressing emotion, behavior, or thought. Use the grounded presence of your loving adult self to start becoming curious. Explore the triggering experience and start to access the emotion. Use this data to help explore the moments of your childhood. You may be surprised how seamless this can be, taking only a few seconds to have a memory pop up from the depths of your unconscious. If you’re still having trouble, try using some childhood photos as this can help jog your memory.

To be clear, your goal is to imagine in your mind’s eye the child version of yourself as a separate entity from your adult self. Once you’ve identified the child part, you can explore some additional details:

-How old is he/she?

-Where is he/she?

-What was he/she just doing?

-What is he/she wearing?

-What’s the expression on his/her face?

-What is he/she feeling?

-What is he/she thinking?

Begin to enter the scene as your parent self, while seeing that child part even more clearly. Begin to entertain how you could start to approach him/her.

I also must caution that this reuniting with the child doesn’t always go smoothly. Perhaps the child isn’t initially comfortable seeing you – their sense of trust in others is so broken, he/she is extremely hesitant. The inner child could also be angry that you have failed them, continuing to let the people that originally hurt him/her into your life.

This isn’t always expected, but is possible. If this happens, play around with the experience, use the warm and welcoming parent self to help to start gain the child’s trust. Depending on the intensity of this reaction from the child, it may take a few more reunions to get the child safe enough to continue to exercise.

 

Step 3: Offering What The Child Needs

When healing the wounds from the past, it’s not enough to simply know that the experience is over. The child inside needs to experience safety, love, and care. When the child part of you feels safe, it speaks to the emotional brain, and the body’s fight/flight/freeze response can be soothed and rewired for safety.

If experience is the key element to healing, then emotion is how the experience leaves a lasting unconscious impact. Understanding the previous emotion felt from step 2 is one thing, now it’s your job to imprint a new healing emotion. These may include: love, safety, confidence, presence, validation, joy, excitement, calm, and connection.

The ways you can illicit this type of emotion is up to you and what the child seems to need at the time (remember, you are being the comforting parent to the distressed child in the imagined scene). Here are some ideas on how to accomplish this:

–Speaking to the child.

-Communicating a sense of reassurance.

-Physical touch, such as: hugging, hand on the shoulder, or pat on the back.

-Non-verbal gestures such as eye contact, relaxed bodily presence.

-Suggesting a new activity such as playing a game.

-Offering something like a glass of water or their favorite stuffed animal.

Here are some specific examples:

-The child was blamed for the families problems, so you might explain they were a good child and it wasn’t their fault.

-If he/she was ridiculed for being sad, give them permission and acceptance to cry.

-If the child was hit by their father, you can enter the scene and protect the child, using healthy aggression to stop the abuse.

-If he/she didn’t receive enough love and warm, you can hold the child, take deep breathes, and rub their back.

The goal isn’t to change who the child is, or ask them to be different – this will happen naturally with your parenting. The goal is to simply provide the child with what they need and they will naturally feel free, safe, valued, confident, etc.

 

Step 4: FEEL The New Emotion 

As indicated in step 3, the associated healing emotion is the key component to change. Make sure the child inside is actually feeling the new emotion. Look for cues such as a smile on their face, their body starting to relax, or a natural embrace such as a hug.

At this point it would benefit to notice the new feeling inside your present day self. Feel the old “negative” feeling start to melt away and be replaced with the sensation of the new healing emotion.

To end the experience, you can say good bye to the child for now, or just simply go back to your current present moment (whatever feels comfortable).

 

Putting It All Together – Henry’s Anger

Henry had an absent father. His mother was often stressed and had little time to attend to Henry’s emotional needs. He is now 35, an accountant, and recently married with a 2-year-old son.

One of Henry’s concerns is his anger, which seems to always come up on Friday mornings. He notices the anger distances himself from his wife and son. He notices that Fridays are a unique day, in that he usually works from home and watches after his 2 year old son. His wife usually leaves in a hurry without much instruction.

As she leaves, he notices a pang in his neck and shoulders, he continues to explore this emotion to access the younger part in him. He grounds himself in his adult self as he is presented with an image of his mother leaving for work, instructing him to look after his younger brother.

As Henry explores the incident, he can hear his inner child complaining about the situation: “It’s not fair, I want to play with my friends down the block!”. He can see the grimace in his face and stiff posture. He’s 12 years old, wearing his favorite Miami Dolphins jersey.

Henry starts to work with his inner child so he can feel heard and validated. He decides to respond verbally with soft eyes and welcoming posture – “I know it sucks you have to look after your brother, your mom appreciates how much you help”.

Henry imagines playing a quick video game with his 12-year-old self, and reassuring him that when mom comes home he can have his friends over. He can see the smile on the 12-year-old’s face, and a sense of resolve washes over him.

Having an experience with your inner child is not meant to devalue the adult experience. Sometimes we have good reason to be upset, depressed, or frustrated. It’s still an option for Henry to address his concerns with his wife. This could lead to a conversation and new compromise on a different interaction before she leaves the house, albeit with a much better understanding of childhood wound that causes the anger. This can now be something he can even share with his wife.

The practice of reparenting the child within takes practice and persistence. Eventually, you’ll feel more in control of your life and the past will no longer run the show.

 

Using the Self-Parent Exercise To Change Your Behavior

The example above can be seen as a healing experience, but there are other behaviors and emotions that the exercise can target. Take for instance a child that received little to no discipline and their mother would often focus on feeding them baked goods to pacify them. The adult form of this could be someone that has a difficult time sticking to a schedule, tends to procrastinate, and uses food to self-soothe. They may get easily overwhelmed when faced with a difficult task that requires discipline, and frequently responds with a trip to the kitchen for some fresh baked cookies.

This adult never had a loving and firm parent that used healthy boundaries and discipline for the child. In order to change the present day problems with discipline, the adult can use this self-parent exercise to be the loving and firm parent to their self.

The adult can see that he’s watching T.V. and eating a bag of cookies instead of cleaning the house. He can now use the exercise to parent the inner child to get his chores done before watching any T.V.

 

Identify, Practice, Repeat

Start noticing the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that get in the way of living your best life. Notice these pop up throughout the day. Use the Self-Parent protocol to start to explore them. The more your practice, the more you can change these patterns for good. The self-parenting exercise lays down new neural pathways, this is why it can change your life so dramatically.

Remember, don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect, starting a practice like this takes courage and patience. Soon you’ll start to see changes and a clearer road to living your best life.

Positive Emotion Self-improvement By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

Overcoming The Negativity Bias: 5 Steps to Start Feeling More Positive

Everyone can recall an embarrassing, depressing, or anxiety filled moment. We commonly label these as “negative” emotions. The truth is, all emotion is rooted in an attempt to help us in some way.

We can see that emotion just happens. It is not meant to be negative or positive. However, the emotions commonly thought of as negative can get in the way of our life’s endeavors and general satisfaction. In their extreme form, too much negative emotion leads to issues related to personality, mood, thoughts, and behavior.

For most of us, we would like the ability to integrate more “positive” emotions, but it’s easier said than done. There are ample opportunities for us to feel positive, but we tend to give these less attention, or unconsciously block their presence.

First, I present the four ways our mind/body steer us towards the negative, and away from the sweeter moments of life. I will then follow up with a way to increase our attention and experience of the positive emotions to develop a stronger positivity bias. 

1. Negativity Bias

“Your brain preferentially scans for, registers, stores, recalls, and reacts to unpleasant experiences…it’s like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.” -Rick Hanson

Imagine you’re a rabbit living deep in the forest. The world is a dangerous place, filled with numerous ways to die. One day, you’re hopping among the trees to discover a lush grassy area to feed. After a few blissful minutes, the corner of your eye spots a lurking tiger plotting its next meal. You run as fast as a rabbit can run back to your burrow to safety – whew. To ensure your continued survival, your rabbit brain hard wires the location of that luxurious grass patch as the location that death awaits. Its less interested in the patch of grass – it’s your long-term survival that’s more important.

The Negativity Bias is something we all inherently do – it’s the tendency for our brain to put more attention to the negative experiences of life. This is great for the little rabbit, and most of the time is  valuable resource for humans. Our ancestors needed to make sure they remembered the poisonous plant, that their brother tends to steal their food, and when it rains it could put out the fire. Today, these look more like an unsuccessful meeting with your boss, your computer crashing, or being stuck in traffic.

This is our evolutionary gift and curse. It’s one of the fundamental ways our minds would rather not dwell in the positive while desperately wanting to store the negative.

2. Inhibiting/blocking thoughts and emotions

The second way our minds stray away from positive emotion occurs when our personal experiences have associated the “positive” emotion with a “negative” or inhibiting emotion.

Consider the example of Helen. Helen, a 26-year-old attorney, complains of not being able to experience the feeling of joy. She explains her belief that, “if I experience joy, I feel anxious that something bad will happen”. After further investigation, this belief originally belonged to her mother, who got this belief from her mother, who endured The Great Depression.

The belief was not delivered explicitly, but rather insidiously through her mother’s responses. For example, when Helen was 10-years-old, she scored a leading role in the school play. Filled with joy and pride, she ran home to inform her mother. As she reported the good news, her mother met her joy with a negative sentiment. Her mother adds her own anxiety with worrying about Helen’s ability to perform the role with a busy school schedule. In that moment, Helen learns that expressing joy is met with anxiety, fear, and disapproval (all uncomfortable feelings associated with pain). Over time she learns to inhibit the emotion of joy, and further cements the unconscious connection; joy = anxiety and fear.

Most of us have some belief or visceral response that holds us back from fully experiencing the positive emotions we were designed to feel. Some common emotional blockers are: anxiety, guilt, fear, shame, disbelief,  and judgment towards yourself or others.

3. Mood Congruent Attentional Bias 

“Life is a train of moods like a string of beads; and as we passed through them they prove to be many colored lenses, which paint the world their own hue.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Consider someone that’s depressed. People experiencing depression will often report feeling like there’s a negative “veil” or “lens” that colors the world around them. Their mood has skewed their perception and general disposition towards the negative.

This is a concept called mood congruent attention bias. For the depressed person, their negativity bias is heighted, leaving them more likely to remember and experience life congruent with their mood. Parts of the brain that control negative emotion are more reactive while in a “bad” mood.

Anytime our mood is impacted, whether it be from a stressful meeting or while grieving the loss of a loved one, it can heighten our bias towards the negative.

4. Genetic differences 

Our family tree is also a clue into why we may lean towards the negative. The way our family interacted with us and created conditioned negative responses is one thing, but also the genetic inheritance of certain moods. If depression, anxiety, or bipolar are in a family lineage, the children in these families have a higher chance of inheriting them.

Even though genes can play a role in our mental health, they are not the whole picture. Recent research has shown that our genes are not always automatically expressed, our life circumstances can impact their expression. Nonetheless, it remains a factor in why someone may lean towards the negative.

 

S.A.V.O.R– The Positivity Hack

“A simple shift is all you need to move from a world of suffering to the realm of joy.” -Cynthia J Hardwick PhD

The bad news is we don’t have the power to stop these negativity biases completely – and you shouldn’t want to. They are necessary for our survival and general functioning. But we don’t want to avoid them either…

Research confirms that accepting, not rejecting, our negative emotion helps defuse them, allowing room for positive ones. The world of psychology has deemed the preaching of “just be positive” leading to a phenomenon called toxic positivity. This happens when we avoid negative emotion with the sugar coating of too much positivity.

The good news is we do have the power to consciously cultivate more positive emotions leading to sustainable change and a strengthening of a positivity bias.  Again, this is less about rejecting negative emotion, but accepting all emotion with the choice to amplify the positive.

It’s in everyone’s best interest to stop depriving themselves of the many positive moments that life has to offer. We have to learn ways to move aside the unconscious reactions that inhibit our ability to savor the positive that’s all around us.

The Benefits of Positive Emotion

Beyond the obvious reasons we would want to feel more positive emotion, here are some additional benefits backed by research.

  • Stronger immune system.
  • Reduced Stress.
  • Increases optimism, resilience, and resourcefulness.
  • Boosts mood.
  • Helps counteract painful experiences.

I’ve created a positive emotion protocol using the acronym S.A.V.O.R. It’s designed as a way for you to savor the moment and further internalize the positive in the long-term. It can be used ANYWHERE, ANYTIME.

Use this exercise to SAVOR the present moment, past memory, or imagined future.

 

S

Slow Down

In order to access an emotion fully, we need to slow down. This is especially true if we are in a state of stress or anxiety.

To start, it’s helpful to use belly breathing. Deep belly breathing stimulates the vagus nerve, which sends a message to the heart and lungs to slow down. To do this, inhale through your nostrils deep into your belly – feeling it expand as you inhale (most of us breathe into our chest). Hold the breath for a second or two, then slowly exhale through pursed lips for a longer count than when you inhaled

Next, it’s important to be as present in the moment as possible. You can do this by noticing a few things within that current moment, perhaps something you can see, hear, feel, smell, or taste. At this point, start to turn your attention to the body (the location of all emotion).

These exercises aren’t always necessary, above all, we just have to ensure that we are actually slowing down. It’s important to practice this skill in general, as it’s the first step in getting us into conscious awareness.

Summary: Use breathing techniques, mindfulness, and conscious intention to slow down enough to access the emotion. 

 

A

Awareness

Imagine you’ve just completed a big project. Satisfied with your work, you pridefully sit down on the front porch rocking chair – staring into the sunset on a warm summer night. After slowing down, you bring attention to your emotional state, expecting to sense at least a glimmer of pride and joy.

For some, this could be where those inhibiting emotions could come into play. You suspect that you’re feeling pride and joy, but its dull and seemingly blocked by another emotion. After further internal inspection, you notice a knot in your stomach. A fear is settling in that your boss may not like your finished product (this could be old wiring from when Dad would always criticize your school work). You notice this emotion with nonjudgmental awareness and curiosity – this helps calm the emotion, allow us to have self-compassion, and forges the opportunity to resolve the negative or let the emotion subside. (We are not rejection the negative emotion, but approaching it with an acceptance)

If the positive feeling is one you’re not used to, it could take some time to get reacquainted. You may even have to conjure it, imagining what it may feel like to experience pride and joy.

At this point, it’s important to bring selective awareness to what’s happening with the positive emotion. To do this, try using the S.I.F.T. exercise:

S.I.F.T. 

Created by Dan Siegel, the SIFT exercise can be a key way to bring awareness to your current state. It stands for Sensation, Image, Feeling, and Thought. To do this, scan your body for the associated sensation that the feeling is creating. Then, identify the imagery that is attached to the emotion, perhaps you’re sitting in the sun and notice how the sun shines from just over the trees eliciting a feeling of calm. Label the feeling, and the associated thought. The thought could be something like, “I’m so thankful”, or “I am okay”. At this point, it’s helpful to notice which modality resonated the most.

The stage of awareness is key to any change and healing. It brings consciousness to unconscious emotional material, so that you have an opportunity to now rewire a positive feeling deeper into your unconscious.

Again, there are plenty of opportunities to savor the positive throughout the day, here are some examples:

  • A genuine smile from a stranger
  • A compliment from a coworker
  • Finding gratitude – having food, water, being alive
  • Remembering a hug from a loved one
  • Feeling a sense of pride and confidence after a small accomplishment
  • Hearing your favorite song on the radio

Some common “positive” emotions to consider savoring might be: joy, excitement, pride, love, intimacy, connection, excitement, gratitude, confidence, calm, compassion, and courage.

Summary: Utilize nonjudgmental awareness, curiosity, and acceptance to locate any blocking emotion – start to bring attention to the sensations, images, thoughts, and feelings that are associated with a positive emotion (even if you can just barely get a glimmer of it).

 

V

Vivify

By using our selective awareness from step two, we can now vivify the identified thought, perspective, emotion, or image. Vivify, in this sense, means to enliven or amplify the associated emotion so that it can be fully experienced.

By doing this, we can take advantage of the law of dominant effect. In this case, the law suggests that we are primarily influenced by a more dominant emotion. We can all relate to those moments when we are exceptionally angry or anxious. These emotions dominate our being, making it difficult to think clearly and act rationally. The same applies for positive emotions, but as we’ve discovered, our brains have a difficult time making these dominant. Thus, it’s our job to make it dominant by consciously amplifying their presence.

Here’s a few techniques to accomplish this:

  1. Imagery– Imagery is the most powerful language of the emotional brain. You can incorporate imagery in a couple different ways. Perhaps you’re currently sitting by the beach (or remember a time when you were), the sun is setting and the water is deep blue. Now vivify the image – by making it bigger, saturating the colors, or just simply giving it your full attention. You can also imagine the feeling as a warm yellow blanket, covering up every part of your being. If using a memory of a loved one, you can sharpen your attention to their soft gaze as they look into your eyes, their gentle smile and warm presence. These are just some examples, play around with imagery to vivify the emotion.
  2. Sensation– Notice the emotional sensation in your body. For example, this could be a  lightness, warmth, tingling, or calm. Then, stay with that sensation and try to double, and triple it. Imagine what it might feel like if that sensation expanded and intensified.
  3. Reinforcement– Pay attention to the rewarding aspects of the experience, how awesome it feels to get a compliment from a friend. This increases dopamine release and makes it easier for the emotion to continue.

Summary: Amplify the positive emotion. Above all, let the experience fill your body and let it be as intense as possible.

 

O 

Occupy

“The longer that something is held in awareness and the more emotionally stimulating it is, the more neurons that fire and thus wire together, and the stronger the trace in memory” -Rick Hanson

 To this point we have: slowed down, become aware of the emotion in our internal world, and amplified the emotion – now it’s time to fully occupy the emotion.

Imagine slowly sinking into a hot tub, savoring the last bite of a dessert, or fully experiencing your favorite musician’s last song during a concert. These are all examples of when we fully occupy the moment, not wanting it to end, and trying to extend its presence to the fullest extent.

In this step, we let the positive emotion occupy our bodies and minds for up to 30 seconds. When first starting out, this can be difficult and awkward – but keep practicing. Try to reach at least 20-30 seconds, as the more time you allow it to soak, the more it will be integrated into your nervous system.

 Summary: At its peak, soak in the feeling state for at least 20-30 seconds

 

R

Repeat

You’ve done it! The positive feeling has now been further cemented into your body and mind. Feel yourself expand, and praise yourself for giving yourself a moment to experience some uplifting emotion.

This step is all about remembering to repeat this process. The more we repeat it, the stronger the neural connections associated with the experience. The process may seem daunting, as I’ve included a lot of detail here, but with more experience the process will become natural and less time consuming.

Ways to ensure we repeat

  • Set a reminder to SAVOR on your phone.
  • In the morning, set an intention to SAVOR some positive experiences throughout the day.
  • At the end of the day, review the day’s events. Perhaps you remember that a colleague gave you a compliment when rushing to a meeting. Go back to that memory and SAVOR.

Over time, the usage of the SAVOR technique will expand those glimmers of positive emotion into more regularly accessible emotional states. The influence of these positive feeling states will impact the entire system, and it will have no other choice than to continue to automatically promote this new state of being. Your brain will start to change. 

Summary: Repeat the S.A.V.O.R. process multiple times a day.

 S – Slow Down

 A – Awareness

 V – Vivify

 O – Occupy

 R – Repeat

 

Use The Positive To Heal Emotional Wounds

After you’ve developed the skill to embrace the positive you will have a powerful antidote to heal the emotional wounds of the past. These experiences from the past can be healed by experiencing their opposite – for example, replacing childhood feelings of loneliness with a current sense of belonging and connectedness.

It’s not about resisting the painful experiences or desperately craving pleasant ones. The trick is to maintain an accepting, curious, and mindful attitude towards the difficult ones while also integrating supportive feelings and thoughts.

It has also been shown that bringing up a painful memory leaves it vulnerable to be changed for the next 15 minutes. Imagine locating a box in the attic that hasn’t been opened in years. You open it to discover some dusty, disorganized items. You have 15 minutes to dust, organize, and add more items to the box. With this in mind, make sure to use the SAVOR protocol a few times within that 15-minute period.

Start your SAVOR’ing practice this week to get your feet wet. Regularly revisit this article to refresh your understanding of the exercise. Over time, use it to rewire old emotional wounds. This can now be one of the more integral activities to implement for long term emotional change.

 

 

 

Motivation Personal Development Self-improvement By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

Start The Day With These 15 Strategies to Improve Your Motivation, Mind, and Mood

 

Before your feet hit the floor in the morning, a lot can go on in your mind and body. Perhaps its used to something like this:

Wake up.
“Noooo”
Sigh
Snooze
Rollover
“Crap, that’s right I gotta do that today”
Dread
Snooze
More Dread
“S*&%, better get up now”

You finally roll out of bed, do the normal mindless routine, and carry around the disposition you woke up with to start your day (and it’s probably not the most optimal).

I am a firm believer that taking advantage of at least the first 5 minutes after waking up (if not up to the first hour) is a chance to set the tone of the day. There are 1,000 minutes in a day, so what’s 5 minutes to get a leg up?

If you’ve been planning on putting more energy into mental health, finding a few minutes in the morning to dedicate towards self-improvement, mindset, and general well-being can gradually transform your life for the better.

Why the morning?

  “It’s been said that the first hour is the rudder of the day”
-Steve Pavlina

Imagine your self as a ship that’s been docked overnight. Wouldn’t you want to refuel the engine, restock supplies, tidy up the ship, and properly set the rudder towards your destination for that day’s voyage? Rolling out of bed without these proper steps before you set sail increases the likelihood that your boat will endure more stress, breakdown, or get lost at sea. Integrating positive habits in the beginning of the day better ensures a successful day at sea.

For most people, once the day starts, it gains momentum in your routine, responsibilities, and general flow. By the end of the day, sometimes the last thing you want to do is integrate self-improvement activities that you may or may not be totally sold on in the first place. The longer you wait, excuses build up, “I’m tired, don’t have time, and can start tomorrow”

Completing some of the strategies that will be mentioned in this article sends a message to your unconscious at the very beginning of your day that you matter, that “I value myself enough to apply these techniques”. It helps provide an internalized message that “I am worth it”. After giving to yourself in this way, the chance of burnout decreases and can enable you to give more willingly throughout the day to your job, responsibilities, children, coworkers, partner, etc.

It’s also an exercise in being a proactive participant in life, rather than reactive. Most people live in a reactive state, having things come to them and reacting to just get through the day. Adding more intention to what you want for the day allows for a proactive approach. It gives the sense of agency and responsibility to your life direction.

After working with clients on this issue, I have compiled some of the more effective strategies to consider implementing in the early moments of the day. I have broken them down into the 3 M’s (Motivation, Mood, and Mind). Each is listed below, with a menu of items to add to your morning. Pick and choose your favorites from each to start optimizing the start to your day.

Morning Motivation

The morning is primetime to consciously program your unconscious for the rest of the day. Our minds love to go on autopilot as the day goes on, so mindfully programming your software to guide you in the right direction throughout the day is key. Motivation, in this sense, goes beyond just the obligation to complete “the stuff I have to do today”. It can be about inspiration, excitement, passion, values, and goals that can enliven your day.

Motivation Menu

1. Mental Modeling.

Many CEOs develop this habit, probably out of necessity. It involves spending a few moments to set up a minute-to-minute mental map of the day’s events. This includes visualizing accomplishing your responsibilities and how you would like to be while completing them.

Example – Imagining your meeting at 11am, approaching the situation with confidence and openness.

However, your day rarely turns out exactly how you intend, so it must also be accompanied with an attitude of flexibility to allow diversions. Setting up this mental model for the day reduces the chance you will waste time, procrastinate, or simply not do something because you don’t feel like it.

2. Set Your Intentions.

They can seem cheesy but try them out. Setting an intention acts as another way to tell your unconscious what you believe about the day ahead. “I intend to have a productive day at work”…  “I intend to be confident in my actions”… “I intend to be kinder to everyone I meet today”.  These could also be called “Morning Manifestations.”

3. Review Values and Purpose.

Motivation doesn’t exist without attaching values. Reminding yourself of your values can provide better direction and meaning throughout the day. Having a value of being a supportive father could influence your decision to ask your daughter about her basketball practice. Having a value of professionalism could affect your behavior and attitude going into your workday.

Also, Creating a purpose statement, framing it, and putting it on your nightstand can remind you of your why at that current period of your life.

4. Embody Your Motivated Self (or Role Model).

Let your mind drift to a moment you felt most motivated. Your mind may give you an image or a movie reel of this. Go into that moment again, embodying yourself at your peak motivation. Notice what it felt like and allow that feeling to flood your body…then double that feeling.  Perhaps you remember how laser-focused you were, or how your body felt light and energized.

Also, “acting as if” you were someone you know, or a character in a movie or book that emulates how you’d like to be that day can be helpful.

5. Review Goals.

Having short-term and long-term goals allows you to revisit what you’ve been working on daily. This will hopefully increase attention and action towards your goals. Goals are rarely achieved in one day, so behaving in ways that are aligned with your goals everyday is a key to long term success. Making S.M.A.R.T. goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Results-Focused, Time-Oriented) can give you an advantage.

*It’s easiest to have your values, purpose statement, goals, and intentions written so that you don’t have to remember them every morning. You will also be more likely to take action towards goals if they are written out. Remember all of these should be revisited regularly and modified as time goes on.

Morning Mood

Imagine you just woke up from a bad dream, it’s raining outside, you think of a report that’s due, and your team lost the game last night. These things you can’t control, but can greatly affect your mood as you wake up. Starting the day with a mood more in your control can positively influence your disposition, thoughts, and behavior.

Mood Menu

6. Gratitude.

Research continues to confirm that listing a few things you are grateful for can significantly provide a more positive mood.It can be as simple as having running water or clothes in your closet. Working on boosting your self-worth? Make sure there’s one about a personal attribute like, “I’m grateful that I’m caring/creative/resourceful”.

7. Exercise and Body Movement.

Your brain constantly takes cues from your body about how you’re doing in the world. If you start your day with making your arms wide (power pose), running in place, jumping jacks, push-ups, or even a simple stretch can be incredibly mood-boosting increasing serotonin levels. You don’t have to do a full workout; just 30 seconds of any of these can make a difference (Although integrating exercise of any length of time or intensity is beneficial).

8. Air and Water.

Water and oxygen are our body’s most essential resources. Drinking a tall glass of water can assist your body in waking up for the day. Taking a few deep breaths from your abdomen gives a heavy dose of oxygen. Focus solely on your breath as you inhale for a count of 4, hold for a count of 7, and exhale to a count of 8 is an approach that can calm the body, especially for those that carry extra anxiety in the morning. Do these and feel your body thank you.

9. Manage Default Emotions and Thoughts.

It’s common to have your mind drift to more distressing places as you wake up, perhaps something that provokes anxiety, stress, or even grief from a recent loss. If you continue to entertain these thoughts/emotions they will linger throughout the morning, which will then generate a mood. I’m not advocating to not reflect or honor the thoughts that caused the mood, but rather to decide a reasonable amount of time to consider them so they can naturally subside and not impact your mood for the day.

10. Music.

Create a morning playlist that stimulates the emotional systems you wish to target. Find moments to intently focus on the sound and lyrics to get the most out of your favorite mood-boosting songs.  Can’t play music? Just imagining a song playing in your head can have similar effects; personally, I like to use the Superman Theme song by John Williams (Stimulates confidence and motivation for me)

Morning Mind

If you haven’t noticed our mind can be very active in the morning. Random thoughts of stresses, to-do’s, anxieties, and even disturbing images can flood the mind. The majority of these thoughts are not under our control. Finding a way to calm the mind and inject your own prescribed thoughts for the day can allow you to start seeing your mind as a tool rather than a nuisance.

Mind Menu

11. Meditation/Mindfulness.

Mindfulness is simply noticing anything in the present moment with an attitude of non-judgmental awareness. This could be items in your room, physical sensations, things outside your window, sounds, smells, etc. Starting your day with this activity improves focus, attention, non-reactivity, improved emotional regulation, immune functioning, and stress relief to name a few. Meditation is just another method to integrate this skill into your morning routine. Research shows just 10 minutes a day can improve many mental and emotional issues. Even just a couple minutes of sitting in silence while focusing on the breath, or using a guided meditation can be helpful. I find mindfulness to be one of the most essential tools for maximizing the power of the mind.

12. Thought Defusing.

This is similar to what you might do in meditation but can be a separate activity. This involves observing your thoughts as they bubble up from your unconscious. Imagine sitting on the banks of a river (your stream of thought) and seeing the floating leaves pass by (thoughts).  Having an attitude of curiosity, openness, and non-judgment is key. This allows more confidence in your ability to distance yourself from the sometimes-incessant chatter in the back of your mind. As I mentioned we have different types of thoughts. Discerning the helpful from unhelpful types can help in reducing negative emotion, increasing awareness, and reduce time wasted on the more unhelpful types of thought.

13. Quotes.

The mind is pliable and always capable of integrating new perspectives and attitudes. Finding quotes, sayings, or passages from books can aid in expanding your mind. Introducing new ideas in this way changes our minds. Try revisiting the ones that resonate with you the most as you begin your day. Perhaps even using quotes of admiration, appreciation, or encouragement from yourself, friends, and family members.

14. Write Stuff Down.

Our minds love to remind us of our to-do’s, anxieties, let downs, etc. They can float around up there occasionally tugging on us until it gets sufficient attention. Writing what you need to do that day, or doing a simple 5-minute journal (just writing whatever comes to mind) can allow your mind to organize prominent thoughts. This helps free up space for attention, focus, and creative thought. Writing is a sophisticated form of thinking. Writing things down early in the morning can help you better think through your approach to the day/week/month events. This can allow for more conscious action towards your most valued facets of life.

15. Reading.

It takes focused attention to read. Reading generates a different state of mind compared to checking email, scrolling social media, or thinking of how much you have to do that day. As a bonus, you can choose to read material such as self-help books that may provide positive mind changing ideas and perspectives.

 

Morning Questions

As a bonus, start your day by asking yourself some thoughts provoking questions.

Question Menu

What am I looking forward to today?
Longer term, what am I looking forward to in the future?
Am I in my body enjoying the gift of being alive?
What do I intend for the day?
What am I grateful for today?
What do I wantto do today/long term?
How can I act with passion today?
What is my purpose?
Am I displaying my true self or false self?
Am I doing things that lead directly to my goals?
What do I value most today?
Which e-motions are moving me through the day? (excitement, fear, joy)
Am I being my best friend and supporter?
What are my most dominate thoughts as I wake up?
How am I feeling?
How do I want to be today?

“But I’m Not a Morning Person!”

Yes, this was me too. However, I’ve found that the power of this statement is more in the belief itself than in some biological predisposition.  Many of us crave that extra 5-20 minutes of sleep, but at what cost? Does it really matter THAT much? When there’s a will there’s a way, and I would challenge you to confront this belief. Try going to bed to a little earlier, or reducing time on other habits to ease your anxiety.

The Morning Begins at Night

Priming your next morning during the last minutes before bed is an essential step. This helps in making the mental and emotional commitment to change the behaviors/habits/routines of the morning ahead.

1. Reflect on how you’d like to start your day, perhaps using the 3 M’s menu items.

2. Think more clearly on how this new system will be integrated into the other necessary responsibilities (walking the dog, showering, brushing your teeth).

3. Visualize yourself completing this new system, possibly feeling the sensation of pride/motivation/eagerness while going through the set actions.

4. Be mindful of the thoughts you have about the morning to come. There’s a big difference between thinking “dang, I have to wake up in 6 hours to start my crappy day”, and “I can’t wait to start my day with more focus, motivation, and gratitude.”

Give Yourself Flexibility, Compassion, Patience, and Room for Discovery

Flexibility– The morning routine you settle on should have variations that it can be done in just a few minutes or as long as you wish. Having an attitude of flexibility will lower your resistance to completing it, and possible loss of momentum because you didn’t have your usual allotted time.

Self-Compassion – Let’s face it; you’ll probably skip a day or lose motivation at some point. This is not a time to sit in self-deprecation. Be kind to yourself and become loving yet firm with yourself knowing that you are still committed and plan on picking up where you left off tomorrow morning.

Be Patient – Habits don’t form overnight. Give yourself enough days in a row to allow more automaticity to your new morning routine. There will be days you will not feel like doing it, just like you may not feel like going to the gym. Fall back on your values and purpose for starting the new routine in the first place. As I always say, “Principle over Discomfort.” Building this kind of morning routine is an investment in yourself, overtime you will begin to see the Return On Investment, further your motivation to keep it up.

It’s a Process of Discovery – Like most endeavors in life, this is a process of discovery of what your optimal morning could look like. None of these strategies is set in stone; this should only be used as a starting point. Let yourself experiment with new and creative ways to energize and systematize your morning. No one has the same set of values, goals, personality, and expectations. After integrating these new strategies into your routine, make room to reflect on how they have impacted you during the previous weeks and months. Finding even the smallest benefits acts as a necessary positive reinforcement.

This week choose a few menu options and morning questions to get started. Wake up eager to prepare your ship for the day, then set sail with a brand new sense of motivation, mood, and mindset.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

Personality Self-improvement By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

The Psychological Sweet Spot: Why We All Need A Little Narcissism

I think most Americans would agree that the term narcissism has been firmly integrated into our vernacular. Although the term is often misused and can begin to take on different meanings.

Many people had unequivocally pegged Donald Trump as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Then following his presidency the psychologist that originally helped create the diagnosis spoke publically about why he does NOT have NPD.

As you can see, a lot of grey area is inherent in the world of mental health. Thankfully, another idea that’s on the rise is that most disorders land on a spectrum; narcissism can be viewed as one of them.

As the term “narcissism” gains in popularity, it’s important to note that not all aspects of narcissism are unhealthy. In fact, there is a sweet spot on the narcissism spectrum, dubbed healthy narcissism (HN).

 

First, lets get clear on what “Un-healthy” Narcissism includes:

  • Lack of empathy
  • Need for admiration
  • Exaggerated sense of self-importance
  • Sense of entitlement
  • Takes advantage of others to achieve own ends
  • Displays arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
  • Associates with others that raise self-importance
  • Fantasizes of having unlimited power, success, beauty, etc

As I mentioned in the previous post on how Narcissistic Personality Disorder develops, the unhealthy manifestation of narcissism represents someone that lives with an unstable sense of self.  They are sensitive to criticisms and failures, as those are threatening to their agenda of confirming their greatness.

They are empty, misguided people that have a difficult time building connected, healthy relationships with others. They are more interested in using people as a means to an end, to boost their ego.

The disorder is expressed in people that land on the extreme end of narcissism.

 

The Sweet Spot of Narcissism

As the unhealthy narcissist lives in the balance of the world filling their sense of self, someone with healthy narcissism is more stable in who they are internally, a realistic and balanced love of ones self.

This allows them to react to life’s challenges much differently. They are able to absorb criticism, rejection, or failed ventures much easier. They are able to take care of themselves and bounce back with the belief that external events don’t compromise their value.

This doesn’t mean someone with HN doesn’t have the capacity to self-correct or reflect; they can still achieve this in stride with confidence that they will be able to redirect and continue through life successfully.

They still enjoy social approval, but their positive relationship with their authentic self allows the necessary buffer to not have to devalue those around them.

People need to strive to be at least a little narcissistic. Within a reasonable degree narcissism is actually an essential supportive personality trait for mental health.

On the lower end of the spectrum, the person with very little narcissism tends to lack confidence and self-esteem, an uneasiness in their ability to meet life’s challenges. They are less likely to see themselves and the world through “rose-colored glasses”. They are also more likely to be in a relationship with a narcissist, as they complement each other’s narcissistic defaults.

 

Increasing Your Healthy Narcissism

If you suspect that you’d benefit from increasing your HN, it’s never too late. Here are some ideas on what you can start integrating to boost it.

  •  Get to know your authentic self, and foster an identity based on your personal strengths and weaknesses, not based on what others want you to be.
  •  Becoming aware of your internal dialogue could shed light on critical and judgmental thoughts that inhibit a HN. Start to detach from these thoughts and practice replacing them with less harsh evaluations.
  • Start generating gratitude towards the self; find small things you love about you, and remind yourself daily of these attributes. Increasing your self-compassion is an essential step.
  •  Work on your Emotional Intelligence, and begin allowing yourself to experience an expansive emotional self along with the ability to manage them effectively.
  • Educate yourself on why you may not have developed a HN (perhaps with the help of a therapist). This exploration can release self-blame and help move towards healing the past.
  • Reflect and be mindful of your current relationships. Notice how your security/insecurity of self effects how you assert your needs. The goal is to have a mutual give and take that leads to satisfying, intimate relationships with others.
  • Surround yourself with people that love and support you for who you are, and set healthy boundaries with those that don’t.
  • Start valuing and acting upon some HN attributes. Some of these include decisiveness, pride, self-reliance, optimism, and confidently striving towards personal goals.
  •  Give yourself permission to not be perfect.

There is a healthy balance in the spectrum of narcissism; and there is utility to be found by working to develop it (whether you’re coming from either side of the spectrum). It’s a quality that is increasingly in demand, especially in a culture that continues to be more competitive; breeding many failures, judgments, and rejections. Being armed with a healthy narcissism more than ever is an essential quality for mental and emotional health.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.

 

Personal Development Self-improvement By Adam Lencioni 0 Comments

Forgetting How to Fly: Why Adults Need to Go Back to Neverland

In the movie Hook, Robin Williams plays a grumpy, middle-aged man that’s dispirited by everyday life. We later find out that he is Peter Pan, but left Neverland (and the memory of Neverland) many years ago to start a family.

The story continues when his nemesis, Captain Hook, kidnaps his children and now must return to Neverland to save them. Robin William’s character eventually goes back but has forgotten how to fly, fight, and crow (hallmarks of his younger self). He had forgotten who he was, disenchanted by the stresses of adult life away from Neverland.

Forgetting How to Fly

So many of us race to grow up. We can barely contain ourselves to reach the age to drive, leave home, turn 21, have children, etc.

We may forget to cherish the purpose of childhood—a stage in life meant to foster curiosity, imagination, and wonderment for this new world we find our selves in.

Then, as if mocked by the childhood self left behind, many will find themselves lost and burdened by the harsh truths of adulthood and —much like Robin William’s character—forget who they are. They have left the childlike spirit that at one point allowed them to be in touch with their true nature.

Similar to how Peter Pan in Hook rediscovered how to “fly, fight, and crow”. Let’s take our own trip to Neverland and explore the ways in which we may have forgotten how to fly…

1. Language

“Language is both limiting and liberating”

As adults, language becomes a necessary tool. As we label things in everyday life, we also simultaneously discount their wonderment. In Neverland, we see how language can be quite limiting.

We lose the innocent sense of awe for this weird-looking-bird-thing that somehow survives in below freezing temperatures. This creature simply becomes “penguin” and we move on with our day. Language narrows our view of the world that was once pure emotion, sensation, and discovery.

  • Neverland Lesson 1: See the world without labels.

2. Purpose

As a child explores the world they learn their unique strengths and interests. So many of us reach adulthood without properly exploring and/or integrating these attributes from childhood, leaving us directionless.

The Japanese term Ikigai is translated as “the reason for being” and sums up this concept quite well. We have a responsibility to find our own specific Ikigai, a purpose for life that elicits the excitement and passion comparable to the experiences left in Neverland.

  • Neverland Lesson 2: Find and nurture your Ikigai.

3. Mind

A child laughs, cries, plays and then simply… moves on. As adults, we like to get lost in our heads. We overcomplicate, overthink, take things too seriously, and stress over the simplest of decisions.

We are frequently left with the heavy weight of unnecessary stress and anxiety. Life is complicated enough without the agony of deciding what cereal to buy. Instead, we must find moments to be present. Truthfully, I’m not sure it’s the childhood moments themselves that were gratifying… but that we instead allowed ourselves to be completely immersed in whatever we are doing in that moment.

  • Neverland Lesson 3: Get out of your head.

4. Play

If you were lucky, childhood was filled with experimentation in sports, music, art, dance, and beyond. As adults, we often sacrifice these outlets for more hours on the job, watching TV, or staring at our phones. Our romantic relationships also suffer once our playfulness is curbed by automatic and routine interactions with our partners after the honeymoon phase.

Believe it or not we have an emotional pathway hard-wired for play…we are essentially designed to play. Activities that allow us to play bring joy to our lives. We should see our hobbies and interests not as “something I might get around to” but as a priority for a fulfilling life.

  • Neverland Lesson 4: Go have some fun

5. Creativity

If you were given a cardboard box in Neverland it wouldn’t just be a brown thing to put things in. You’d look at it and see 1,000 different possibilities. Within the offshoots of your mind you’d imagine using it as a car, fort, pirate ship, instrument, cave, the list goes on.

Divergent thinking is a non-linear, open-ended style of thinking that involves generating several different free-flowing ideas to a question. It has been seen as a tool to foster creativity. Research has shown that children tend to be much better at it than adults.

To lose our ability to think divergently is to inhibit our ability to problem solve efficiently, think outside the box, and proudly create something that didn’t exist the day before.

  • Neverland Lesson 5: Think Divergently

6. Friendship

Finally, what would Neverland be without The Lost Boys. As children, time spent with our friends stimulated a sense of adventure, imagination, and amusement. Nowadays, hanging out with friends looks more like getting a drink and talking politics… not a play-date The Lost Boys would particularly enjoy.

Last summer, a few friends visited me in Chicago. Now, months later it wasn’t the more popular “adult” activities such as going to dinner and drinks that stuck in their minds. Instead, everyone recounts the random adventures and novel experiences. When we found ourselves underneath the train tracks playing an impromptu stickball game, or when we randomly started dancing to funk music.

  • Neverland Lesson 6: Utilize friendship for adventure, spontaneity, and novelty.

 

Neverland’s Forgotten

I must also give mention to the people that never had the luxury of their own childhood Neverland. Learning how to fly and getting into mischief with the Lost Boys was last on their list (and not by choice). They may have had to assume adult roles far too early, had smothering/absent caregivers, or were subject to abuse that left them feeling stunted and fearful. They were tragically robbed of their ability to fly.

For them, returning to Neverland is like exploring a foreign land, but it’s never too late. As humans, we have an uncanny ability to endure and survive—despite the circumstances or odds. For these people, they must gently allow themselves to channel the energy once used to protect themselves into a resource for curiosity and growth.

Going back to the “real world”

As the movie ends, Robin William’s character returns home from Neverland. He is still an adult and functions as so, but this time with a sense of joy and zest for life.

The challenge isn’t to act immature or relinquish your responsibilities (Ironically often called Peter Pan Syndrome). It’s to utilize Neverland’s lessons in the small moments of life: to see something ordinary and find the wonderment, to get out of your head and enjoy one of life’s simple pleasures, or have an adventure with friends.

This week I challenge you to find your own inner child that once lived in Neverland, and actively integrate them within your present self.

Life is too short to forget how to fly.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.