How Someone Becomes a Narcissist

Popular psychology is really good at labeling mental disorders, but there seems to be a lack of education given to the preventable causes of these disorders.

There may always be debate on the causes, and some are less in our control (genetics, culture, etc).  However, if you look closely, there is enough information available to begin the education of how to minimize the creation of these sometimes life-debilitating disorders.

My hope is that as I present the theory of how narcissists are created, it can help shed some light on other disorders that are oftentimes co-created by other people and circumstances.

I would just like to point-out that beneath any disorder, there is still a human being that deserves the respect, compassion, and equality that we would hope for ourselves.

I see no better example of this then in the development of a Narcissist.

 “Nurturing” the Young Narcissist

As a quick reminder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined as:

“a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.”

The origins seem to be a mix of genetics, cultural norms, and parental treatment/environment. I will mainly be speaking to the more preventable parenting styles that foster NPD. There are two main parenting styles thought to create a narcissist:

1. Parents with their own self-serving agenda, dictate what the child should be; and use the child as a complementary extension of themselves. The child begins by expressing their self naturally, but the parent devalues, ignores, or humiliates them unless it’s in line with their agenda. The parent may also give inconsistent or absent messages around issues such as achievement and performance.
2. The other parenting style may place just as much judgment of what the child should be, except in the form of spoiling, doting, and overvaluation.  The child is “put on a pedestal.” They are expected to be the best, instead of being given more balanced messages of their strengths. This is often coupled with low levels of affection, empathy, and emotional attentiveness.

In either case, the child slowly learns that their value is not based on who they are inherently, but rather on the constant evaluation from the parent. Even if the judgments from the parents are positive, the child still understands that their behavior is consistently hanging in the balance of disapproval or neglect.

This theory is working under the assumption that we partly learn how to express ourselves based on the interactions with the people closest to us. Some of the messages a young narcissist is given are, “certain parts of you I don’t want you to express”, and “there are winners and losers, and you must be a winner.”

They begin to develop a “false self” out of the reflection of what the parent sees as acceptable. The parent’s love and acceptance is now a conditional prize to be won. A prize they must win when they depend upon them for survival.

Inherently, this builds an insecure attachment with the caregiver. Their only chance for safety is in the representation of what the parent wants. The child may even develop subconscious feelings of anger/aggression towards the parents, but expressing these would not be met with empathy, but rather with hostility or disregard.

They begin to believe deep down that their only choice in their evaluation of self is that they are to be “all-good” or “all-bad.” This split makes it intolerable for them to feeling anything but “all-good” which then creates their dependency to feel superior to others. The psychological nourishment to their fragile ego takes the form of Narcissistic Supply (NS).  NS is simply the attention, admiration, and positive opinion from others.

I imagine the internal world of a young narcissist may look like trying to keep a balloon from hitting the ground, with every NS the balloon gets hit higher into the air, but without it, the balloon slowly begins to drift toward the dangerous ground represented by the narcissists mostly subconscious reality of worthlessness and shame.

Therefore, the narcissistic personality becomes a necessary defense to avoid feeling the deeper sense of inadequacy, or even emptiness. A learned representation of self that includes being superior, entitled, and self-important beyond reason. Some narcissists live more with the belief that they are “all-bad” which gets displayed more as a depression than those that live with more of an aggressive tendency to fill their NS.

Their Challenging Adult Relationships

Now that the narcissistic psyche is primed… adult relationships, among other areas of life, become a pervasive problem.

Once the people in their life suspend their NS, there is no need for them, empathy and unconditional love are not in their toolbox to nourish a reciprocal relationship (As a child they never received a trusting and loving relationship, so in turn are unable to display it).

Furthermore, the two emotions that they tend to avoid at all costs are remorse and gratitude. This is because their sense of self depends on avoiding flaws and not being in need of others. They inherently are more challenged to do the repair work necessary for relationship maintenance. This creates immense frustration with the partners they choose.

As much as a true narcissist may anger, hurt, or exploit you; this theory allows for some compassion that under the guise of superiority, contempt, and vanity is someone that hides their unexpressed weak sense of self. A true self that was never acknowledged by their caregivers for being “good enough” was a fate more or less given to them not by choice.

The ironic part is that treatment for someone with NPD often requires a focus on building genuine empathy and connection within relationships. This is something that may need professional involvement and if you’re in a relationship with a true Narcissist understand that change is possible if you and your partner are both willing to work. Part of what will make the relationship successful is your work to understand yourself and the type of person you picked.

Narcissism Today

Even though Narcissism is a more popular term these days, many psychologists confirm that NPD only represents a small fraction of society.

Although one may wonder what the changes in societal values and technology are doing to the minds of young parents and children. Social media provides more of an audience, hence more of a pressure on someone’s child “looking good” instead of naturally flawed and human. Prevention is in building strong emotional bonds between caregiver and child that reflect realistic and loving feedback.

The positive initial relationship with caregivers breeds a healthy self-esteem and narcissism that a child can bring into adulthood to face life’s challenges and successfully build mutual satisfying relationships. If you’d like more information on healthy narcissism check out my blog, Healthy Narcissism: The Psychological Sweet Spot.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.