The Art of the Mature Apology
“Love…is the extremely difficult realization that something other than oneself is real” -Iris Murdoch
Over my years in practice I’ve come to realize that frankly; people suck at apologizing. Take for instance this exchange:
(Victoria is hurt that her husband, Rick, got too drunk at a family Christmas party, yelled at her brother Jimmy for being a “loser”, and passed out on the kitchen table that same evening)
Victoria – “I was hurt and embarrassed when you got drunk and passed out in front of my family, because I want to see you connect with my family. I know Jimmy gets on your nerves but calling him a loser is over the line.”
Rick – “Ok… so what do you want me to do about it?”
Victoria – “Ummm at least apologize?”
Rick – “I told you! I’m sorry BUT your brother IS a loser, plus HE was the one pouring me drinks!”
Victoria – “YOU’RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE, I DON’T WANT YOU AROUND MY FAMILY ANYMORE!”
Because of Rick’s lack of accountability and poor apology skills, his wife is feeling more disconnected and with no resolve. Victoria will now be more likely to live in the past, become increasingly resentful, and overly anxious anytime Rick is around her family. The two-person system they call a marriage is still ruptured, increasing insecurity and reactivity.
When someone expresses their hurt, pain, or unmet needs they are taking a vulnerable stance. If someone becomes defensive and is unable to demonstrate understanding towards this vulnerability, it further disintegrates the trust and communicates to the hurt party that the other person is not safe. Without an apology to connect and empathize, Rick and Victoria are going down a road of dysfunction.
Because I’ve seen this happen way too many times, I felt the urge to write this as a template for a mature apology, while explaining why it’s so difficult to do, and how learning this skill (because apologizing is a skill) is not only helpful but 100% necessary for success in any relationship.
(We will revisit Rick and Victoria later)
Why apologies are necessary
“Tales of ecstasy are endless tales of failure. For always comes separation. And the journey towards essential, fleeting unity begins again.” -Josephine Hart
A secure relationship would hopefully allow us to freely speak our minds and be the messy, fallible humans that we are. When we do this, we will eventually misstep with impulsive thoughts, reactive behavior, and uninformed declarations.
If not that, then the simple fact that our unique minds born from unique experiences, culture, hormones, genetics, trauma, along with 100’s of other factors will eventually lead us to unwittingly hurting each other along the way.
(Pause and reflect on the fact that most often we DO NOT INTEND to wrong someone, but undoubtably will.)
This means that one of the main differences in a healthy, successful relationship is the ability to repair ruptures in connection. One of the primary skills needed for proper repair is knowing how to effectively apologize.
Here are some other benefits of learning the proper way to apologize:
- It restores safety. A relationship thrives on an underlying sense of safety, and without proper apology, hurt will build up and the relationship becomes a self-protective network of defensive mechanisms.
- It shows our ability to accept responsibility for ourselves within the context of a relationship. This leads to further growth and increased complexity of self which will help our evolution as people and sharpen our ideas about the world.
- It helps to evolve the relationship. A proper apology will include action-oriented intentions based on the reality of the hurt party which will hopefully lead to a more enriching relationship long term.
- It has the power to magically neutralize anger and pain and turn it into connection and intimacy.
As the quote above from Josephine Hart suggests, the bonds of our intimate relationships will have periods of separation that will then subsequently beseech essential unity, and a mature apology is one of the roads back to that ecstasy.
Why apologizing can be so difficult
Effective apologies can be complex, and involve emotions that are often uncomfortable and out of conscious awareness. Thus, apology excellence requires a somewhat advanced level of emotional competency.
If you are on the receiving end of a failed apology, or see yourself struggle with apologizing, it can be helpful to understand some of the common reasons it’s so difficult.
Here are some of the main reasons we squirm and perpetually fail at landing a mature apology:
Lack of Empathy/Poor theory of mind/The Magnitude Gap
When we have wronged someone, it is inherently a vulnerable and a courageous choice to truly see its impact. Not spending the energy to sit with the other’s reality long enough to empathize is one of the ways apologies fall flat. Sitting with that uncomfortable feeling and being present, shows them you care and want to right what has been wronged.
Theory of mind is the capacity to have a general sense of what another person is thinking/feeling. Some people are better at this than others, but can also fluctuate depending on how much access we have to the faculties of the prefrontal cortex. For instance, when our level of arousal is out of our window of tolerance, we are less likely to use the part of our brain made for creating a theory of mind. Some reasons we would be out of our window of tolerance are; being in a state of fight/flight/freeze/fawn, lack of sleep, physical pain, and low glucose in the brain.
These can also lead to what people refer to as the Magnitude Gap, which is the difference between how each party views the severity of the offense. If an apologizer doesn’t see their offense as a “big deal” then it will be difficult for them to apologize with the accuracy needed to resolve the pain of the hurt party.
Fear of intimacy and abandonment
Apologizing will illicit experiences of intimacy and closeness which are core to being human. If history has not been kind to those natural experiences then we will unconsciously defend against intimacy and therefore, avoid a proper apology.
When we hurt someone and they display a sense of anger or hurt, it can trigger an unconscious fear of abandonment that can emotionally tamper with a proper apology. For example, while trying to avoid the uncomfortable fear of abandonment, you will try to quickly apologize or over apologize to assuage the discomfort in you rather than the other person.
Protection of personal narrative and self-concept
An apology requires at least a moment of complete surrender to another’s reality, regardless of your intent or opinion.
This will inherently challenge your own narrative of the events that occurred as well as the meaning it implies about the self.
In the case of Rick and Victoria, Rick has his own self-serving narrative of how the events of the night unfolded. How we construct narratives about our lives is closely tied to our self-concepts which inform our perception, which then create our reality. This is why it can be so difficult for people to abandon, even for a second, their own “memory” of an event.
If Rick believes he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol, is a good brother-in-law and a decent human being then it can cause too much dissonance to see that his wife is implying something different. The mind is left with a different question:
“How could I hurt Victoria, I’m a good husband…I was just drinking the shots her brother gave me…I wasn’t trying to piss her off”
The reflex of self-justification from defending your own narrative or self-image not only causes problems with achieving a genuine apology but also is at the heart of most marital discord. We hold onto these concepts tightly, as they are the qualities about ourselves that we value, build an identity/self-esteem around, and see the world through.
Having an insecure sense of self
Usually, the less secure we are with our selves, the harder it is to apologize. If someone copes with their insecurities with grandiosity (feeling superior to others) then it will be difficult to admit fault. If they have a fragile sense of self-worth then apologizing could jeopardize the little self-worth they have.
Avoidance of responsibility
A proper apology is a doorway into taking responsibility to change. Not everyone is willing to change or take enough responsibility to enact a true apology. An example of this might be a wife that reflexively complains about the company where her husband works every time they see it advertised. Her husband expresses how this makes him uncomfortable and wishes for her to stop. She can apologize in the moments she does this but a true apology would include her taking more responsibility to find a personal way to stop this behavior all together – something quite reasonable. She doesn’t want the burden of taking responsibility for reminding herself to stop this behavior. Imagine she’s a self-proclaimed “air-head” (diverts responsibility) and would rather tell him he’s overreacting (easier to blame).
Not caring enough about the relationship
Someone simply may not care enough about the relationship to apologize.
Lack of exposure to role models and education
For those that don’t know how to apologize, it could be that no one ever apologized in their family, or apology meant being a “failure” or “bad” or could even lead to some form of physical or emotional abuse.
In order to face humility, vulnerability, and empathy; one needs to not plummet into hypo-arousal or escalate into hyper-arousal. It takes the ability to regulate the self while taking care of the other. This is easier said than done for those that didn’t get enough of this programming from their caregivers.
Perhaps someone may want to apologize effectively, but genuinely has no idea where to start.
Lack of awareness
Some people don’t apologize for the simple fact they have no awareness to the effect their actions had on someone else. There can be numerous reasons for this, but shows the importance of communicating your hurt feelings – perhaps that person was just simply unaware.
(You may be thinking, “they should just know!”. That could be the case in some situations in where it was told to them repeatedly, but sometimes you might have not communicated your experience effectively enough to give them a chance, they are not mind readers.)
Shame avoidance
I feel the need to mention the gender difference in shame avoidance. Apologizing can naturally illicit a shame response as we need to admit something we did was hurtful, wrong, etc.
Research has shown that men are more sensitive to shame and will go to great lengths to avoid it. The shame response will spike cortisol levels and drain energy (a feeling humans don’t typically enjoy). This can then cause anger to rise with its relieving analgesic properties.
This is one way to interrupt Rick’s inability to “touch” a feeling of healthy shame, it would be too psychobiologically uncomfortable to do so.
Shame avoidance may be more sensitive in men overall, but of course can happen in women as well. This can help increase compassion for someone’s deeper desire to repair but at times their psyche overrides their intent with shame avoidance strategies.
Feared disavowal of own pain in relationship/ long term insecure relationship dynamic
For some relationships, there has been such a neglect of emotional repair and reparation that both sides have failed long enough for emotional wounds to fester. This can make both parties numb to fresh offenses as they both are hurting from numerous injuries. Take a married couple that haven’t been connected in years, the wife cheated 8 years ago and never truly apologized, and the husband has emotionally abandoned her too many times with long work trips; a new offense that needs a proper apology would seem insurmountable when years of pain haven’t been reciprocally validated.
Poor communication skills from the hurt party
Another factor in why it’s difficult, is how the hurt partner delivers the information. Their nonverbal posturing, arousal level, and accusatory stance alone can put our bodies into a state of defense.
When someone has been hurt or let down they may not be as skilled at expressing how this impacted them. If they cannot take responsibility for their emotions and deliver it accurately, even a Buddhist monk may have issues in responding effectively. Here’s an example:
Poor delivery – “It really pisses me off when you make ignorant jokes about my botox injections in front of my friends.”
Excellent delivery – “I feel infuriated when you make casual jokes about my botox in front of my friends, because I’m still sensitive about it and need your support.”
As the hurt party, the second delivery gives the other party more opportunity to apologize, and gives you peace of mind that you’ve more accurately expressed what is happening on your side of the fence.
Personality Disorders/Trauma
A lot of the stated reasons above involve people that may have personality disorders and/or suffered from relational trauma.
What makes for a bad apology?
Effective apologies are hard to come by; I’m constantly amazed how even celebrities backed with PR teams can fail so miserably at apologizing, sometimes permanently derailing their careers. Take for instance the musician Travis Scott being mocked for his failed attempt to apologize after 9 people were killed at his concert. The public mocked his apology for its lack of genuine empathy. I would assume the incident, along with his failed apology will continue to tarnish his reputation.
The essence of a bad apology is when you communicate that your own comfort is more important than the other person’s pain and reality. Apologizing can be uncomfortable, in fact you should expect it to be to some degree. But a good apology will (at least at first and without disclaimer) be about the caring of the other’s reality signaling the importance of the relationship.
In Dr. Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight she outlines four types of crappy apologies:
- The four-second “where is the exit” apology. “Sorry about that, what’s on TV tonight?
- The minimizing responsibility apology. “Yeah maybe that happened, but….”
- The forced apology. “I am supposed to say…”
- The instrumental apology. “Nothing else is working until I say this so…”
These types of apologies might work for small hurts but for moderate to severe relational injuries they often cause more damage.
Here are some other ingredients for a bad apology:
- Saying “but”
NEVER use the word BUT.
“But” signals a rationalization or an excuse. Even if you say something true after the “but” it negates the first part of the message.
“Sorry I took your car without letting you know, but your dog made me late for work.”
- Over doing it
If your apology is too over the top with things like excessive crying or self-deprecating remarks you’re hijacking the moment. The apology is now becoming about YOU instead of the other persons emotionality
Apologizing too much especially around the same or similar offense will make your apology empty. It will start to feel to the hurt party as a means to an end, and a denial of the hurt that was caused.
- Saying “if”
Saying “If I hurt you, I’m sorry”, communicates that you don’t believe you did hurt the person. It puts the blame on the other person for being hurt instead of the perpetrator. It displays a lack of empathy and a desire for the conflict to be over with.
Here’s an example:
Weak apology – “I’m sorry if I offended you when I told the joke about your poor eating habits, it wasn’t my intention.”
Strong apology – “I want to apologize for the joke I told at the party, I’m so sorry, it was insensitive and it will not happen again.”
The Mature Apology
“A great nation is like a great man:
When he makes a mistake, he realizes it.
Having realized it, he admits it.
Having admitted it, he corrects it.
He considers those who point out his faults as his most benevolent teachers.”
-Lao Tzu
Again, the essence of a poor apology is that it often lacks the recognition of the hurt party’s experience, eludes accountability, and is used as a means to an end.
The essence of a mature apology goes something like this:
- It comes from the heart and says, “I genuinely see the wrong I committed and I respect and care about you enough to be an active participant in healing that injury through my words and actions”
- It’s when we reflect on our actions and take responsibility without a hint of equivocation, blaming, or excuse making.
- Makes sure the hurt party feels we really get it. That we deeply understand the pain/hurt because until they do, how could they possibly trust that you won’t hurt them again? It’s an accurate and attuned acknowledgement of someone’s experience.
- A means to reconciliation and reconnection. It’s part of a larger conversation that says, “This is our repair, our plan, and our intention as I make amends with you. This is how we are going to go into the future ”
- It’s lead by compassion and caring instead of fear, blame, or shame.
The golden rule:
An apology needs to happen even if you don’t believe you did anything to warrant the hurt caused by your actions. This is because in the world of relationships, perception is reality.
From what I have witnessed, this is the single most important concept to keep in mind when repairing an injury with an apology. If you care about the other person, you will do what you need to do to mend the injury.
*Of course there are exceptions to this especially when it comes to abuse, narcissism, etc. The key there is that it should be reciprocal.
10 Steps to Crafting a Mature Apology
“To let pain go before it is witnessed and gains reality through existing in the emotional reality of another would be to lose touch with a part of herself… once her pain is witnessed and apprehended by other, however, it acquires reality and becomes validated; she no longer has to talismanically hold on to it” -Diana Fosha
Now that we have established why apologies are so important, why they are so difficult to enact, and what makes for a good apology; let’s see it in action.
There are 10 steps to keep in mind when crafting a mature, genuine, and effective apology:
- Assess, Reflect, Empathize
- Garner the appropriate emotional frame.
- Say you’re sorry.
- Name the offense.
- State the impact.
- Continue to take responsibility and ownership.
- Provide explanation…carefully.
- Commit to a plan of action.
- Allow for dialogue/compromise on plan.
- Proactively follow through and follow up.
Now let’s use these steps to help Rick reconstruct a more effective apology to use with Victoria.
1. Assess, Reflect, Empathize
Assess: I find that reframing emotional injuries as if they are physical can help contextualize what it really means to “hurt” someone. These hurts can be anything from forgetting to pick up dinner, to larger betrayals like infidelity.
As the hurt party, we need to assess the damage. Think of it as a leg injury; did the event cause a small cut, a sprained ankle, or a shattered femur? This is for you to determine after the dust settles, and with authentic and honest reflection.
The hurt party will need to resist acting out, and focus on describing their emotions from the event, the specific situation in which it occurred, and how it impacts safety in the relationship.
An apology is the first line of defense in healing a relational injury, it stops the bleeding and removes any bacteria for future infection. The type of apology also needs to be correlated with the type of injury.
If it was a minor cut, a simply apology without much further action is perhaps all that’s needed. If it was a more moderate to severe injury the apology needs a more skillful approach. The following steps were made for those more severe injuries in mind.
Reflect and Empathize: Before apologizing you’ll need to take an honest look at how your actions impacted the other person. Reflect on what happened, what caused your behavior, what you know about the person you hurt, and why it may of impacted them specifically. Empathize with how they must have felt during and after the incident.
Rick sobers up and takes a morning walk to reflect on the previous nights events. He thinks about the few times he’s said thoughtless things around Victoria’s family and her sensitivity around his alcohol usage around her family, especially when her father is a recovering alcoholic. He begins to lean into what she was probably feeling when she saw the events unfold. He knows what’s most important now is not his own narrative about her brother pouring him drinks and that its “no big deal” if he passes out early, but that his relationship with his wife and possibility her family is now ruptured and needs to be repaired.
Rick’s insecure sense of self is threatened and he’s having an internal battle with the feelings of shame that are bubbling up. He self-soothes with some deep breaths, a reminder to himself that he’s human, and feeling his shame without judgment.
2. Garner the Appropriate Emotional Frame
The emotional tone maintained throughout the apology process is what makes a well constructed apology hold water. When the hurt party can feel that you are demonstrating the attributes below you’re on the right track.
Here are the main ones to keep in mind:
- Humility
- Vulnerability
- Empathy
- Responsibility
- Accountability
- Genuineness
- Understanding
- Self-Reflection
- Presence
Before apologizing you want to remind yourself of these qualities. This is how you want to be in the conversation without wavering.
This also includes maintaining certain nonverbal behaviors that indicate their presence such as a soft yet firm tone and prosody of voice, well placed eye contact, effective body positioning, physical closeness, and tactful touch.
Rick goes back into the house and summons his most vulnerable, genuine, and humble self he can muster. He gently sits down next to Victoria who’s scrolling through her phone in bed. With a soft and direct tone he begins his apology…
3. Say you’re sorry.
Start by expressing regret; in essence, say you’re sorry. This is the first chance for the hurt party to feel your genuineness and humility, so even though it’s a simple phrase, make sure you really mean it.
“Victoria, I’m so sorry…”
4. Name the offense.
Naming the offense is an opportunity to show that you get it. Say what it was as specifically as you possibly can, while being clear and concise. Even if you don’t have a clear idea of the specific behavior, make an empathetic guess and look for cues that you’re on the right track. Remember, at this point it doesn’t matter whether you agree with it or not. Take full responsibility.
“It was insensitive and inappropriate to speak to your brother like that and drink so much that I passed out on the table.”
5. State the impact.
Naming the offense and stating the impact MUST come first. As the apologizer, you are looking for nonverbal cues that the other person’s pain has been truly recognized. Until they feel truly understood, the rest of the apology will land on deaf ears.
The hurt party is waiting to see if the apologizer truly gets it, because if they don’t, how could they feel safety again? The apologizer needs to make it clear here that they feel and care about the other’s pain, signaling that its legitimate and they get it.
This is also a time you may want to add your own vulnerable feelings, showing that you aren’t emotionless about the event either.
“You must have felt embarrassed and upset by my actions. Perhaps even questioning how I will be around your family for future parties. I feel so guilty I put you in this position again.”
6. Continue to take responsibility and ownership.
The apologizer needs to make clear they are taking responsibility, and to simply demonstrate some ownership of the situation.
“It was no one else’s fault but my own putting you in that situation.”
7. Provide explanation…carefully.
At times it can be helpful to explain the intentions and the “why” of your actions. This is your chance to show the introspection you’ve done and where you went off course.
However, if done in a way that sounds too much like an excuse or blame it can be counterproductive. If you save this for the end of the apology it’s less likely you’ll go wrong since you’ve done a good job of validating the other person and taking responsibility already.
“I know that I get nervous around your family, and want to fit in with your brother so I try to keep up with his drinking. I also saw my father pass out at the kitchen table all the time so I guess it’s normal for me. I need to better understand how these parts of me impact my behavior.”
8. Commit to a plan of action.
This is where we create a plan of action to make amends and display our true repentance. An apology without action is useless especially for these moderate to severe offenses.
Acting from a secure sense of self we allow the use of natural guilt and remorse to propel us into action that makes sense for the offense we committed. This shows that we truly desire for things to be different in the future.
The proposed plan needs to display how the apologizer will take responsibility in the future for the incident. It wouldn’t be a good plan to say, “So I think you should tell your brother he has a problem with drinking and your family needs to put a room downstairs for when I pass out”.
“In the future I will set firmer boundaries with drinking around your family, and if it continues to be a problem I will not drink. After this, I’ll go apologize to your family for last night, and ensure them this won’t happen again.”
9. Allow for dialogue/compromise on plan.
Although the steps are written as if it’s a monologue, a good apology is actually a dialogue. In the end, it needs to be to two-sided to ensure that the relational repair is being set in motion.
Let the other person add or subtract from the apology without too much interruption. Perhaps you took an empathetic guess as to what they were upset about but you missed the mark, this is now the other person’s responsibility to speak to anything that was left out, as well as show any appreciation for what was already expressed.
This is also a time to have a dialogue about the action plan. Both parties need to feel that the compromised plan for amends is fair and reasonable.
Victoria – Thank you Rick, I really appreciate you apologizing, I needed that. You were spot on with everything except I need to know that you understand how when you pass out like that I worry about the example you’re setting for the kids.
Rick – I totally know what you mean, like I said, I saw my father do it and I don’t want to set that example anymore.
Victoria – Ok, thank you. As far as the plan goes that sounds good. I would only ask that we check in with each other before we go to these parties and that if I see the drinking is becoming a problem that you’ll listen to me and not shut me out.
Rick – Yes I agree, I will proactively check in with you before every party to set an intention with drinking, and if I forget, you have free rein to call me out on it.
(Rick and Victoria hug as Rick goes to the kitchen to apologize to the family)
10. Proactive follow through and follow up
Rick follows the agreed upon plan. It took some time for Victoria to heal from the night of the party and was anxious the first few times they met with her family. Over time, and with proactive follow through from Rick, there were no more incidents and trust/connection was restored. Rick has since learned from that experience and has a different relationship with alcohol, changing habits even at work functions leading to a promotion and a $100,000 raise.
Michael Jordan and Dennis Rodman
The example of Rick and Victoria is a text book example of how an apology should strive to be conducted. For all the reasons stated previously, it’s to be expected that real life doesn’t always go as smoothly.
However, this doesn’t mean a clunky apology can’t be effective.
A great example of this would be the story told by Michael Jordan about an incident with teammate Dennis Rodman. Here’s an excerpt from an NBC Chicago article that describes what happened:
The Bulls started the season 8-7, and Rodman’s motivation was visibly waning. “I’m bored,” he’s depicted saying to a throng of reporters in “The Last Dance.”
That frustration culminated in a reckless ejection from an undefined early-season game. With the team already short-handed and stumbling, Jordan was furious at Rodman for the mental lapse.
But Rodman recognized his error and did his best to make it up to Jordan by making a rare visit to his hotel room shortly after the incident. As present-day Jordan tells it, Rodman knocked on his door and asked to share a cigar, despite knowing Rodman never smoked them. Even without explicit words of apology, the gesture showed his remorse.
“He didn’t say an apology. He didn’t say anything,” Jordan said in the documentary. “But by him coming to my room, it was his way of saying, ‘Look, man. I f**ked up.’ And from that point on, Dennis was straight as an arrow. And we started to win.”
Rodman’s energy, specifically, shifted, and the Bulls won nine of their next 11 games. The rest is history.
This example speaks to the effectiveness of Rodman’s repair attempt. It signaled three things:
- Honoring the misstep as legitimate and worth repairing.
- Taking responsibility.
- A behavioral change to make amends.
Apologies aren’t always cookie cutter. They don’t have to be the exact step-by-step instruction as given above, but the one thing apologies do require is authenticity and showing care. In the end, apologies offer a way to connect (not diminish the self) and takes emotional maturity to execute. By acknowledging that you would like to improve your apology skills in general, shows a strength in character and deep care for the relationship. Mature apologies come from the heart.
