Conflict Resolution 101: Owning Your Emotions to Avoid a Fight

We are the authors of our emotions

Every moment of the day we are the authors of our emotion. Whether it is conscious or subconscious, it is ours to own. These emotions are inevitable; the key is how we respond to them. The subtle ways we communicate/manage them can either escalate or smoothly repair conflict.

Take a look at this exchange between Katie and Todd as an example how not owning your emotions in conflict can backfire.

Take 1: Katie NOT owning her emotions

Katie has a dating history full of deceit, cheating, and manipulation. In an effort to change her relationship destiny, she decides to start dating Todd. Todd is caring, considerate, faithful, and an all-around secure and solid dude.

Four months into the relationship Todd is out with his friends at a baseball game. Typically, Todd will text Katie within a reasonable amount of time and has never given her any reason to suspect he is untrustworthy. One of his buddies from college is visiting and they have been catching up while at the game.

Throughout the night Todd hasn’t been as attentive to his phone; Katie had texted several hours before he eventually texted her back at 1am on his Lyft ride back to her house.

Todd arrives to an irate Katie.

“You made me so anxious!”

“Every minute you didn’t text me, you made me angrier and angrier!”

“You made me not want to trust you…”

Once Katie has made the accusation of “you made me feel ________”, she’s taken the stance of a victim, and is in the process of blaming Todd for how she feels.

Todd is now more likely to go into a defensive mode. Once the brain interprets it’s being attacked, it will be less likely to listen, empathize, and reflect on content the other person is presenting (The opposite of what they both would want in this situation).

Todd’s default defensive response is to shut down and walk away; he leaves the house and slams the door behind him. They are both left angry, hurt, confused, and questioning the longevity of the relationship.

Taking responsibility for our emotions doesn’t neglect the fact that someone may have influenced them bubbling up.

When Todd didn’t text back, his behavior influenced an emotion tied to an unmet need of consideration and attention for Katie. Just like smelling homemade pasta sauce may stimulate an emotion tied to a need for hunger or comfort; Todd or the pasta sauce didn’t MAKE anyone feel anything. The emotion that’s created is dependent on the specific person (Perhaps in another person smelling pasta sauce leads to disgust).

*Important note: there are exceptions to the above excerpt, and unique moments that this is not appropriate. Outright abuse is not a time to worry that you aren’t taking enough responsibility for your feelings. In those cases, you have a right to feel a sense of victimhood and utilize those emotions to take necessary action.

In the case of Katie and Todd, Katie’s personal history, mood, and context created within her caused the emotion, not Todd. Let’s replay the situation so that they can have a great evening together.

Take 2: Katie owning her emotions

Todd arrives to a calm and assertive Katie…

(After Katie has already acknowledged her personal trust issues have been brought to the surface, she mentally takes ownership and calms herself down. Katie also has been practicing what she can do to resolve her unmet need within herself, instead of placing all responsibility on Todd. However, she consciously decides this still needs to be addressed with Todd.)

Katie – “How was the game?”

Todd – “Great! They won and it was awesome catching up with my old college buddy”

Katie – “I’m glad you had fun! This may sound crazy, but when you were gone and I didn’t hear from you, I made myself worry, I scared myself into thinking that you met up with someone. This is something I’m working on from my past, would you be willing to check in with me at least once throughout the night next time?” (Notice the “I” statements, short and sweet, and a request is made at the end)    

Todd – “Sure, I understand how not hearing from me could cause you to worry. I will intend to make more of an effort to check in at least once throughout the night next time.” (Notice Todd’s ability to empathize, effectively listen, and better understand now that he’s not threatened, and repeats her request with a genuine intent to change)

Katie – “thank you, I appreciate your understanding”

Katie and Todd embrace and continue the evening together.

I know what you’re probably thinking…

“That’s a textbook exchange, there’s no way that would actually happen!”

Yes, this is probably best-case scenario and I wouldn’t expect anyone to do this every time they are in conflict. It’s more important initially to understand the concept and at the very least start owning your emotions internally. The goal is to be more aware of the choice we have in these moments.

Additionally, taking the step to slow down and see why you’re upset or feeling the way you do allows more attention on your internal world, which will increase self-knowledge and mastery.

The example was in the context of a romantic relationship, but throughout the day people, places, and things are generating emotion in us. However, the emotions surrounding these moments are not set in stone, and we can eventually choose others that are better suited for a certain event… but that’s for another day.

This week, don’t put pressure on yourself to complete this exercise outwardly if it’s a new concept. Just try to mentally/physically explore your personal emotions at various moments. See how they are unique to you and practice the responsibility of owning them.

Adam Lencioni is a licensed mental health counselor empowering individuals and couples to overcome their personal obstacles and create flourishing, satisfying lives. He currently practices at CFC Therapy Group in Chicago, IL. Contact him at adam@cfctherapy.com.